It had taken some digesting, though, the revelation that her mum had hidden the truth for all those years and in some ways had lived a lie, and in doing so, prevented Carmen from making up her own mind about her dad. Without a doubt she would have forgiven him but she also forgave her mum, too, because decisions like that weren’t easy to make or live with. Of that Carmen was certain.
And there was no point in apportioning blame especially when one of the guilty parties wasn’t there to speak for herself, then again, there was no need. Carmen and her father were at peace with a past they couldn’t alter and had agreed to focus on making the most of the future. Just like Leonora was doing with Joel, Rosina with Lou and all being well and everything crossed, Violetta and Darcy with Gabe.
What a precious moment in their history when the Appleton women had gathered around the table and told the youngest one all about her daddy who had been extremely clever and managed to find them.
* * *
Darcy’s eyes were like saucers as she drank her milk and dipped her custard cream, listening carefully as her mum explained that he’d been injured in a war and was so brave when he’d been hurt.
‘More hurter than when I fell off my bike in the car park?’ Darcy had milk running down her chin as she spoke.
Violetta had worded it in a way she’d understand. ‘Yes, much, much worse. And do you remember when we watched the Paralympics and some of the people had lost their arms or legs?’ Darcy nodded enthusiastically, totally engaged. ‘Well,yourdaddy had to have an operation on his leg and now he has a special one, like the people on the telly. And guess what?’
Darcy was completely agog at this point, the drama of it all sucking her in as she listened to her mum. ‘He is a super-fast cyclist and won agoldmedal at the Olympics! How brilliant is that?’
Darcy clapped like crazy and her aunts joined in too. Then she asked a really important question of her own. ‘When can I see him? Can he come for tea at Grandma’s and she can make pizzas? I bet he likes pizzas, like me.’
Carmen had watched Violetta compose herself before answering. ‘Of course he can. He’s so excited to meet you. Shall I go and ring him and ask him to come round?’
‘Yes, please, and can you tell him to hurry up and bring his medal too.’ Darcy wiped her chin with the cuff off her cardigan as Aunty Rosina and Aunty Leonora dabbed at their eyes.
Carmen had been so proud of Violetta, the way she broached it, and Darcy, too, who had then made them all laugh when she lightened the mood with a very wise five-year-old’s observation. ‘See, Grandma, all the daddies are coming home because it’s Christmas. I love Christmas, forever and ever.’
Later that afternoon, when the doorbell rang, Carmen had welcomed in a very nervous-looking young man. Violetta had told him about Darcy when they’d met the following day, after he had blown in with the wind. Leonora and Rosina had advised that she got it over with as soon as she could, no more secrets. Once he’d got over the shock, Gabe couldn’t wait to meet his daughter and totally understood the logistics of their situation, saying it was time to move on and make up for lost time. And that’s why as soon as she saw him on the step, something had told Carmen that Gabe wouldn’t let Violetta or Darcy down.
Darcy was in the kitchen with Violetta, rolling play dough when Carmen and Gabe entered and her eyes were like saucers when she saw him.
‘Hey, Darcy. Look who’s here.’ Carmen kept it light while Violetta focused on her daughter’s face.
Darcy stopped mid-roll and pointed. ‘Are you my daddy?’
Gabe took a few steps forward, his face beaming and his voice laced with mirth and if you could hear happiness, it was bouncing off the walls. ‘Yes I am. And I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get here but I’m really pleased to meet you at last.’
Darcy wiggled down from her chair and made her way over to the six-foot-three man who looked down on his child for the first time. They all waited, holding their breaths. When she held out her hand and took his, her words would go down in family history. ‘It’s okay. You’re a very nice daddy and I knew you’d come and find me one day. Do you know how to play snap?’
Gabe managed to nod and then found himself being pulled towards the table where he took a seat next to Violetta as Darcy climbed onto his knee. Before turning away to fill the kettle, as Carmen watched her daughter hold it together and deal out cards, she was sure of one thing. The three of them were meant to be.
* * *
Taking the box of letters over to the wardrobe, Carmen pulled open the door, wincing as it creaked and after placing her treasure inside, nudged it shut. Making sure the guard was over the fire she took off her dressing gown and stealthily climbed into bed next to Bern.
Lying on her back she thought about what Darcy had said, childlike words that over the past few days had haunted her, the ghosts of Christmas past impossible to escape no matter how hard she tried to banish them.
How could it be that even now, when all the fragments of her life and those of her children had come together, all the cracks filled in, that the memory of one man had the ability to smash it all to pieces?
Again, as she lay there in semi-darkness, she posed the question she’d asked many times before. Was it enough? Was it justified, her place on the pedestal? And even now, she could only base her answer on what she saw with her own eyes. The affirmation of her daughters’ love for her, the stability she’d given from everything she’d achieved.
Still it rankled. Her dad had come home, so had Darcy’s; but Rosina, Violetta and Leonora would never have that option. The grand reunion, or even the hope of that day occurring had been snuffed out on the day he died. No matter how much she’d tried to follow her dad’s example of forgiveness and see the wisdom in her mum’s last-minute words,You mustn’t worry about anything, what’s done is done, do you understand, Carmen?she couldn’t help wonder if things could have been different, if there was an alternative ending to a chapter in Appleton family history.
Turning to face the window, she watched the wisps of clouds float over the new moon and welcomed the droop of her eyelids and the firm voice inside her head that told her to leave things be. Carmen obeyed and closed her eyes and hoped for a dreamless sleep where oblivion would deliver her into the next day.
It was the start of a brand-new year. One that would no doubt bring fresh challenges and adventures for her family and for as long as she could, she’d be there. To guide them, to keep them safe, to put them first and do her best, just like always.
Epilogue
Gawsworth
December 1999
