Don’t think about Mum. Don’t think about any of them. Be strong.
Instead, her mind wandered to her cold toes, an uncomfortable yet welcome distraction. Somewhere along the way she’d forgotten to put on socks and it was left to her Ugg boots to fend off frostbite. The heater made her too hot and panicky when the thought of smoke, pumping from the exhaust as the engine fumes met the cold air took her mind down a dark path. It would be so much easier not to be there, a final solution, a way out.
It’s a shame you didn’t drive into a ditch, or a tree. You’d have done everyone a favour and solved all your problems at once.
The real shame was hers to bear. That she actually felt this way, drowning in this pathetic self-inflicted state of self-loathing and desperation.
But the kids need you. Imagine their horror, knowing you left them behind, what it would do to them? And Lou, poor Lou. And Mum, and Vi and Leo. You can’t do that to them. You have to find a way to make this right.
So lost in her mind, clinging on to the saner voice in her head, Rosina didn’t notice the car until it pulled up alongside hers and when she did a sea of bile rose from her empty stomach as simultaneously her heart contracted. Her whole body seemed to have clenched, muscles taut with anxiety as she removed her keys from the ignition, opened the car door and stepped outside.
After slipping her keys in her pocket next to her phone, she pushed both hands deep inside to hide the fact they were shaking. The cold air pinched her cheeks like a spiteful foe, making life, the day, being her, seem crueller. And for some strange reason as she walked across the rough stone of the car park, the feeling of bare feet inside her soft boots made Rosina feel exposed, unprepared and vulnerable.
You shouldn’t have met him here; it’s too quiet, you’re too alone.
Well, that’s what you deserve. It’s all your fault, so deal with it.
Norman got out of his car, a sleek black Jaguar that reminded her of a predator ready to pounce. They met at the rear of both vehicles by which time her whole body was convulsing and as much as she tried to avoid his stare, she had to face him, face up to it all.
His hands were also in his pockets as he swaggered towards her, cocksure as always, cold, blue piggy eyes staring out of his sunbed Bisto face. He got straight down to business. ‘Do you have my money?’
Rosina had only one answer available to her. ‘No, but I will get it. I told you, I just need more time.’
‘For fuck’s sake. Are you simple? I told you today was the day. Do you think I’m pissing about here? You do realise that I’ve given you more leeway than normal punters. I’d usually send a couple of lads to collect but you wanted the personal touch and I’ve honoured that. Pity you haven’t done me the same courtesy.’
‘I’m sorry, Norman, I really am but you will get it. I’m going to ask my mum to lend it to me, this weekend.’
‘Err, sorry, have I missed something here? Didn’t you say you wanted to keep Mummy out of it?’ The smirk and exaggerated, confused expression that accompanied his sarcasm said he didn’t believe her.
‘Yes, I did but my back’s against the wall and I’ve no alternative so please, give me a couple of days. That’s all I ask.’ Rosina could hear the whine in her voice and the lie, because even though she knew it was the only solution she still didn’t know if she had the guts to face her mum, let alone Lou.
‘Na, no can do.’
‘Please, Norman. One more chance. Give me till Monday.’ Pathetic, she sounded pathetic and loathed herself even more for begging.
Norman tutted, then turned and began to pace, making a meal out of thinking it through. He was loving keeping her dangling, she could tell. At least he hadn’t said no. Stopping abruptly he turned to face her and as he shook his head, let out an exasperated sigh. He was wearing the kind of expression you’d use on a naughty child who’d pushed their luck but was getting one more chance. Rosina’s heart skipped a beat.
‘Okay then, you’ve got till Monday on one condition.’
Inside her pockets Rosina balled her fists.Yes, thank God.‘Okay, whatever you want. Thank you, Norman.’
Norman smiled and took a step forward and held out his right palm. ‘Car keys, hand them over.’
Rosina’s response came out as a squeak. ‘What?’
‘I want your car keys, as insurance. That way if you don’t pay up on Monday, I can flog it. Either way I won’t lose out. Don’t worry, I won’t leave you stranded in the middle of nowhere. I’ll drop you off at home and get one of the lads to pick the car up later. Now give.’ He beckoned impatiently with his fingers and stepped forward, almost backing Rosina against the boot of her car.
Raising her palms she attempted to stop him from getting any closer, her trembling hands only a centimetre from his chest. He was so close she could see sunbed goggle circles under his eyes while cold puffs of his breath skimmed her face. ‘No. No, you can’t take my car. What will I tell Lou?’
‘Not my problem, love. Not my problem.’
‘Please, Norman. Be reasonable. If I give you my car then I might as well tell Lou and you know that’s what I’m trying to avoid… look, you know where I live so if I don’t get the money by Monday then fine, I give in, come and take the car, tell Lou, tell the whole of sodding Gawsworth but I beg you, one more chance, please.’
His piggy eyes were cold and uncaring. She saw not a flicker of compassion or understanding on a face set in stone so when a smirk slid across his fake tan skin, it made her skin crawl. And when in one slick move his body was pushing against hers while his hand roamed the front of her jacket, slowly tracking her body, Rosina thought she was going to pass out, stunned and rendered mute.
Pressing his weight against Rosina, he leant closer, his lips touching her cheek then her neck. ‘How about I give you a choice. You could give me a down payment right now, while there’s nobody about. Let’s call it a show of faith, a bit of goodwill. Or I take your car. It’s up to you, of course – but now I come to think about it. I prefer option one.’
He had her trapped. His hand began to grope between her legs, the other hand pushed inside her coat, trying to find her zip. This was really happening, he really meant it. She had to make him stop.
