Billie had given up on wiping Iris’s mouth and fingers so left her to mash up what was left of her chocolate muffin which she was now smearing across the highchair table. Instead, she admired and stroked the soft baby wool of the cardigans that Carol had knitted for the horrid little chocolate monster.
They were sheltering from the rain in the M&S café, sitting in a quiet corner away from prying ears and diners who might be put off by prison talk and baby mush.
‘These are absolutely gorgeous, thanks Carol. I love handmade clothes especially knitted ones and she will look fab in these, just not right now.’ Billie glanced at Iris who grinned and showed off black teeth and a lot of dribble.
‘Aw, I’m glad you like them. Knitting is one of my favourite things, and reading, so I do as much as I can now that my life is my own. You’d be surprised how easy it is to have the things you love, simple stuff really, stripped away. Eventually, you become someone who functions, getting through one day at a time, hour by hour. So every time I finish a book or a jumper, I see it as a major triumph. It’s like a symbol of freedom, or does that sound daft?’
Billie placed her hand over Carol’s. ‘God no! Not at all. Lately I’ve come to understand more and more what it’s like being in an abusive relationship and it’s so complex and utterly devastating. So I get how these are symbolic. All those stitches you knitted mean a lot to you, and me now. So thanks again, I’ll treasure them.’ When Billie looked up she noticed the quizzical look on Carol’s face.
‘What do you mean, you understand what it’s like? I’m worried now. What’s going on?’
Billie waved away Carol’s concerns. ‘No, it’s not what you think, honest, it’s just that…’
‘Just what? Go on, you can tell me.’
It was then that Billie realised she wanted to tell Carol all about Stan but it was a tricky subject. Billie had explained about Stan’s arrest, during their constant exchange of emails back and forth from the UK and Greece, during which Carol had remained neutral and supportive. But how would she feel about Billie defending a convicted rapist?
To be honest, Billie was mentally exhausted with it all. The constant battle with her conscience as it churned over every decision she made and each disloyal thought she had. There was also the task of boosting Stan and Sue’s morale, ignoring her mother’s sullen disapproval, and then being a fake friend to Kelly who, up to now, had stuck to her story and seemed like a nice person to boot.
It would be a relief to get it all off her chest and have another opinion, a female one who might see things from both sides, or not. There was a chance that Carol would be disappointed and then the bond they had forged since that dreadful night, the support they had given each other through respective hospital visits and court appearances, could be snuffed out.
Despite her reservations, Billie knew she had no choice. She had to explain to Carol about her mission to exonerate Stan, otherwise, when it all came out, she’d feel like a fraud. ‘If I tell you, I want you to promise to say how you feel. It’s important and if you don’t hate me afterwards I need your honest advice because if there’s one person I trust, it’s you.’
Carol looked wary. ‘Okay, I promise, although you really have got me worried now. Go on, I’m all ears.’
Billie took a deep breath, passed Iris her bottle of milk and once she was occupied, told Carol everything.
* * *
When Billie returned to the table with more tea and coffee, she felt lighter than she’d done in ages and relieved that Carol hadn’t stormed off in disgust. If anything she’d listened attentively as Billie worked her way through events and evidence and now it was her turn to listen.
‘The first thing I want to say is that I understand why you are doing this, so there’s no need to convince me of your motives. You believe Stan and I respect that but I can also see why you are confused. Not only is this woman sticking to her story like glue, but no matter what Stan says, the police, CPS and a jury thought otherwise.’
Billie nodded. ‘I swear that sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode. If it wasn’t for the stuff the detective dug up I’d probably have given in, but evenheis suspicious of Kelly. That’s why I have to see this through to the end, wherever and whenever that may be.’
‘Well I admire your determination, I really do. The sad and scary thing is that only two people know what really went on that night and one of them is lying. Unfortunately, twelve men and women of the jury looked at the facts as they saw them. Nothing will change that but you never know, something might turn up and you could get lucky.’ Carol sounded hopeful which lifted Billie.
‘That’s all I want, just the chance to cast some doubt on Kelly but apart from that, you don’t know how relieved I am to have someone to talk to about this. And that you didn’t judge me, you know, for standing by Stan. I wish my mum was like you. There are no grey areas with her and if she knew what I was doing she’d have a fit.’
Carol grimaced. ‘I take it she’s still not a member of Team Stan then?’
‘No chance. I doubt she ever will be. But you, on the other hand, amaze me, you really do. After everything you’ve been through, you manage to look at things from another angle. You’re so calm and self-assured, wise I suppose.’
Carol gave a small laugh. ‘I’m not wise but I do look at life differently now and I’m determined not to let the past control my future. You know, I had plenty of time while I sat in that cell to think things through, that was when I wasn’t going half mad with worry over the girls. It wasn’t being arrested that nearly tipped me over the edge. It was knowing they’d been taken into emergency foster care. What a family, eh? Not one person stepped up that night. Nobody offered to take them and I still can’t bear to think how frightened and upset they were that night. The irony is that even now we are safe we still feel the ripple effect. The girls are nervous in their own home, albeit a new place far away from where we used to live, and they both used to wet the bed and have nightmares about their dad. I sometimes wonder if our lives will ever be classed as normal or if there’s too much baggage that we’ll carry around forever.’
Billie had a sudden urge to hold Iris, so took her from her highchair and began to clean her up. Carol’s words also reminded her of Sue and Darren and how what happened to Stan had affected both of them, ruining their lives too. The bloody ripple effect.
‘I can’t imagine how you felt… if that happened to Iris, it would destroy me. Thank God they let you out on bail.’
Carol nodded. ‘And thank God Gary didn’t die! Otherwise I’d have been up on a murder charge and on remand for months. It didn’t end there, though, because social services got involved and it felt like I had to prove I was a good mum and jump through hoops. I was terrified that the girls would be taken away permanently. I still blame Gary and he deserved that smack on the head, more so for what he did to you. I’d have never forgiven myself if you know… you didn’t make it, all because I met him and wasn’t strong enough to stay away.’
Billie took Carol’s hand in hers. ‘Stop it right now. We’ve been through this before and I’ve told you, what I did that night was my job, I wanted to protect you but it went wrong simply because he was… is evil. That’s the end of it. And you could see it as a blessing because when he stabbed me, along with what he’d already done to you, he booked himself a nice long stretch inside. Now, you and the girls are free of him.’
Carol stirred her tea as she spoke. ‘I should never have gone back, though, not after the last beating but it was impossible. Whichever way I turned it was a dead end. I remember sitting at the bus stop ringing round and almost begging for help. Nobody really wanted to put us up and after two nights sleeping on my cousin’s sofa she said we had to leave because her boyfriend had been complaining. Me and the girls spent all day at the housing office and just before it closed they got us into a mixed homeless shelter, but it was more like a hellhole. There were men with tags on, drunks, youths hanging about outside and during the night the mice came out, I could hear and see them and the smell in the room was horrendous. Me and the girls had to share a single bed and the bathroom was communal and filthy.
‘I stuck it for a week but I was running out of money and the girls were hungry and scared. I endured another interview at the housing department who wanted me to prove I was homeless, which technically I wasn’t. The shocking irony was that if I did declare myself homeless I stood the risk of having the girls taken into care. It was like being backed into a corner. There were no women’s refuges available and I couldn’t bear to go back to that shelter so we went home. Living with Gary was my only option, or that’s how it felt at the time.’
Billie knew all this, Carol had already explained her circumstances but maybe, like the women at the meetings, it did her good to talk about it.
