Billie nodded and tried not to flinch when Kelly squeezed her arm in a supportive way.
At the end of that first meeting Billie had lingered, perusing the rack that held self-help and information pamphlets, keeping one eye on Kelly who was chatting away to the group leader as she put on her coat and collected her bag. It was no coincidence that Kelly headed for the exit at the same time as Billie who was rather pleased to see it was raining, just for a change, when they stepped outside.
‘Shit,’ Billie said loudly as she zipped her green parka and pulled up the hood.
Kelly was also sheltering under the canopy at the entrance to the centre. ‘Bloody weather, I swear it’s not stopped raining the whole of November. Haven’t you got a brolly either?’
Billie was being friendlier, the harsh tone from earlier had softened slightly. ‘No, I didn’t expect it to rain. I’ll just have to get wet. Never mind, I’m not going far.’
Kelly took the bait. ‘Do you want a lift? My car’s just over there so if we leg it we shouldn’t get soaked. I really don’t mind.’
With raised eyebrows and a surprised yet grateful tone, Billie feigned relief. ‘Are you sure? That would be great. I’m only round the corner.’
Kelly pushed her arm through Billie’s. ‘Come on then, before it gets worse.’
Billie cringed, then headed for Kelly’s car.
* * *
At the second meeting Billie had waved back when Kelly, who was in the middle of a conversation, acknowledged her arrival. She was running late after dropping Iris off with Sue, who was slipping into the role of super-gran very nicely. Thankfully, she was just so happy to be spending time with her granddaughter that she didn’t question where Billie was off to, and accepted the half-fib that she was attending a therapy session.
Aiden had been pleased that Billie had made contact during her first encounter and had allowed Kelly to drop her off at the flats on the bird estate. They had chatted about the weather during the short journey, and Kelly asked if she’d enjoyed the group. Billie replied that it had been interesting but she’d felt too shy to take part. There wasn’t much time for anything else. After she’d waved goodbye and ran up the steps at the side of the block, Billie waited for a good five minutes before emerging then walked across the estate to Asda, where she’d left Stan’s car.
But all this had proved nothing and Billie had spent a whole week since feeling frustrated and deflated which was why she was much chattier when Kelly approached.
‘Nice to see you again, I wondered if you’d come back. Are you okay?’
‘Mmm, so-so. Had a bit of a do with my other half last night and wasn’t sure I’d get here today. He can be a total knobhead sometimes and when he’s on one I have to stay at the flat. Does my fucking head in.’
‘Oh no, I’m sorry. Does he not go to work?’ A look of concern accompanied Kelly’s question.
Billie snorted. ‘Don’t make me laugh. He’s never done a day’s work in his life, nothing legal anyway. The lazy get stays in most of the day watching shite on telly then goes out at night with his so-called mates. I spend most of it hoping he won’t come back.’
Both of them had sniggered and then the sound of the meeting being convened interrupted and caused Kelly to remove her hand from Billie’s arm, then she headed towards the other women. By the time Billie had hung her coat on the rack, the seats next to Kelly were taken but that suited her fine. She wanted to sit opposite and look her straight in the eye.
It was during this session that Billie had studied everything about Kelly. As a lady explained how her one-to-one therapy sessions had helped sort through the mangled mess in her head, a subject that the other women were eager to hear about, Kelly often stared into space or pulled at the threads on her jumper. There was a point when the support worker asked if anyone would like to discuss something and three hands shot up, but when Kelly wasn’t picked, Billie was sure she spotted a flash of annoyance in her eyes.
That was it, though. Sod all. And when Kelly had shot off after the meeting, any hope that Billie might wangle a lift and the friendly chat she’d been planning all week, disappeared with her.
That was why it was imperative that progress was made today, just something of use. A way into Kelly’s life was all she needed.
They had been discussing the after-effects of violence and one lady described how she’d been attacked by her own son, which led to the feelings of isolation one experiences during abusive relationships. While the other women shared, Billie remained silent, so absorbed in their stories that she forgot about Kelly and focused on them instead.
It was heartbreaking to hear how they had been abused physically, but mentally too, their identity and liberty slowly eroded until they felt stripped of self-worth. They lived in fear, trapped with nowhere to go and without support, just like Carol had been. Billie was beginning to feel really uncomfortable, like an intruder on such a private and serious conversation but when Kelly raised her hand and asked if she could tell them her own story, things were about to get a whole lot worse.
‘Hearing everyone’s experiences has made me realise that I’m not on my own, but I feel stuck at the moment, in a dark hole I suppose, and over the past few weeks I’ve been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you why I’m here. I think today is the day, now or never I suppose, if you don’t mind listening.’
The group leader nodded. ‘Of course we don’t, Kelly. That’s what we are here for. But if you need a break at any time just stop. We understand.’
Billie’s whole body had frozen but she forced her head to turn sideways, just in time to see Kelly give a nervous smile. This woman, sitting centimetres away was about to talk about Stan and tell a room of strangers lies about him. Billie’s insides trembled and she clasped her hands together so nobody would know they were shaking. When she heard Kelly inhale, Billie silently sucked in air too, desperate to keep her composure, dreading what she was going to hear.
‘Last year, I was raped by my boyfriend.’ Kelly paused as the other women gasped.
Billie thought she was going to be sick.
23
Kelly had reached the part where she’d gone to collect her belongings from Stan’s house, the home Billie used to live in, the one that she could picture in every word and sentence of this fantasy story.
