Just one look at Blair. It was all I needed.
One.
But I didn’t get out of my truck. Instead, I sat back in my seat as leather groaned beneath me.
My fingers were locked on the steering wheel so hard I thought I might break it. My knuckles ached with stiffness, but my chest was worse. I couldn’t help but notice Blair’s windows; tall and narrow. Maybe I’d remain unseen.
Maybe I didn’t want to be unseen.
Second floor, far left. Blair’s bedroom.
One lamp burned behind an antique curtain, faint, and flickering, as if the house itself preferred darkness. Blair’s light was on in spite of the late hour. I’d only seen him come out once, but that’d been enough.
I leaned further back in my seat and forced myself not to move.
Things were far, far worse now. Urge had progressed into want. Every time I closed my eyes for a second, I saw Blair’s lips part. I pictured his throat shifting when he swallowed hard, hoping I wouldn’t notice.
Blair was the worst type of temptation; one who didn’t know they tempted you.
My hands froze in place as I imagined the approach to his door. One knock, then two, before I’d press my shoulder into the door and step inside.
I swallowed hard.
No.
I wouldn’t do that. I’m not a fucking psycho. I just needed to see Blair. From a distance. For a second. So that the ache in my chest would ease or at least be easier to ignore.
Light shifted behind the curtain. He was there—I knew it. A shadow moved across the window, and my heart raced. Not a full body, but enough to know it was Blair. A slope of a shoulder, the unmistakable motion of him as he pulled a shirt over his head.
My chest was tighter than ever.
I shouldn’t be here. This isn’t me.
But I didn’t turn the key, didn’t leave. I sat motionless in my truck. A man watching a fire he’d set, unable to peel away.
I pictured Blair sitting down, reading, making tea. Some soft, overly domestic shit that didn’t fit with how my brain dragged me back to the sound of his voice when he was scared.
How his tone changed when I got too close for comfort.
But with Blair, fear tangled with curiosity. He wouldn’t name it—couldn’t. And it had crawled under my skin and festered through my entire body. Made it impossible for me to think.
I closed my eyes and leaned back against the seat.
Just one look.
That was the lie I fed myself in my truck as my engine cooled. I watched his window glow like it was the last remaining light in the city.
But what I wanted was more than a simple glance. I wanted the door unlocked and for Blair to know I was out here, watching him. And I wanted to know what he’d do if I knocked.
I shifted in the driver’s seat, my muscles wound so tight they ached, and not because of heavy weights I’d lifted during my workout. A different type of pain.
The silence inside the truck rang louder than the city noise around me. I could hear my own ragged breath as the engine ticked, begging me to start it and leave. Even louder, I could hear my own pulse as it pounded behind my ears, sending shockwaves through me with each thud.
What the fuck was I doing here?
I rubbed a hand over my face and tried to talk myself down.
Leave. Start the truck, drive away, and pretend this never happened.
