I remember being that kid for a while. Hoping nobody would find out about what was going on at home. Hoping I could blend in.
And I did. Well enough that not even my coach knew about what was going on with my dad.
“I’d worked my entire life to get to this point,” I say, gesturing at the picture of me on the screen. “And I was ready to throw it all away because I didn’t know how to work through my feelings, how to sort out the mental stuff. You can laugh about it — go ahead. I know it can make us uncomfortable to talk about these things.”
I stop, going still and sweeping my eyes over the guys assembled here, watching them watch me right back. I see the slideshow reflected in their eyes, my violence there in their gazes.
“Sports can be a saving grace,” I say, swallowing, glancing at the screen, feeling the rush of pride I always feel when I realize I’ve actually done it, actually made it to the dream that other peopleonly ever dream of. “But if you don’t keep track, you can lose yourself in the process of getting to the top.”
CHAPTER 29
LARA
This time, I should have known better.
“I thought it wasfood poisoning,”I say for the hundredth time, hiccupping a sob as Ellie rubs my back. I’m sitting in a chair outside the gynecology wing of the hospital, my head in my hands, still not sure how I could possibly have let this happen to me.
Again.
“They always do,” Ellie says, which manages to pull a laugh out of me because it’s true. We’ve had many pregnant people come through the ED, all of whom think their nausea is from too much eating, food poisoning, or stomach flu. As a nurse, we can always tell when there’s something else at play.
So how was I so blind to it myself? Especially knowing I had lost track of my period, forgetting to mark the calendar because I was too caught up with everything to stay on top of it.
“No matter what happens, you’re going to be okay. And you know I’ll be by your side no matter what you choose to do, right?”
I nod and scrub my hands over my face, thinking about the look on my doctor’s face when she told me I was pregnant.
She was there for the whole of my pregnancy with the triplets - worked with my team of doctors when I had to go on bed rest. Never once asked me about the father, never once made me feel like an idiot for going through with a teen pregnancy.
And in there, now, while reading the results of the blood test, she’d acted just as professionally. Telling me only the facts. I’m pregnant. Again. Just about a month in.
I’m a month pregnant, and it’s been a month since the first time Jake and I were together again, since that night after I told him about the triplets.
“Are you going to tell him?” Ellie asks, her hand still on my back.
I groan like I might be sick again, and a few passing doctors give me a look.
“Stomach flu,” Ellie chirps, and they widen their berth, raising their masks up over their noses and hurrying along.
“I have no idea,” I choke, shaking my head. “It’s like — I onlyjusttold him about the triplets. I made it clear that I don’t expect him to stay. He’s going back to California, right? He has to. That’s his dream, and it…”
I splutter, crying for a second, hiding my face in my hands until I can breathe steadily again.
“… it’s almost like, if he stays here now, the last five years wasn’t worth it,” I finish, wiping at my face with my hands. “Like, if I tell him aboutthisbaby, and that makes him throw his career away, what was the point of him missing all that time with the triplets?”
Ellie is quiet for a long time, then says, “I think something you need to consider is whether or not you trust him.”
I blink at her, and she continues, “If you trust him, that includes letting him make his own decisions. You’ll lose your mind if you’re always trying to anticipate what everyone else is going to choose.”
“I never realized you were so smart, Ellie.”
“I’m not sure if that’s an insult or not.”
I laugh, and she wraps me in a hug, holding me until she clears her throat and awkwardly says she has to go back, her break is ending.
“Call me when you get home,” she insists, pointing at me, and I hold my hands up in surrender.
“I will.”
