About our baby.
But Ican’tdo that. I know that if I do, if I tell him that I’m keeping the baby, he will stay. And I’m not going to let him sacrifice all his dreams when he’s worked this hard for them. When it’s all he talks about.
When he’s told me, point-blank, that he never wants to be a father.
Then I think about taking it back, telling him that I am going. But that would mean hiding the pregnancy from him or telling him once we got there. If not, it would mean terminating the pregnancy.
I know that isn’t the right decision for me. I want to keep this baby.
Which means I have to go through with this and follow my plan, even though the look on his face is making my stomach feel like a black hole.
“I can’t go with you to Michigan, Jake.”
He stares at me, and I watch the moment it settles in for him. He leans forward, glancing into my room like he’s worried someone might be with me, making me say these things.
“Something came up,” I add, unhelpfully, knowing that it sounds weak. It sounds like an excuse, like the lie that it is.
“What are you…what are youtalkingabout?” he asks, shaking his head. When he runs his fingers through his hair, they get caught on the gray stuff, and he yanks hard enough that it makes me flinch. “You said you wanted to come with me. We’ve been getting ready for months. I thought— I thought you told your parents.”
“I didn’t.” My voice is nearing a whisper now, and I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing I could fast-forward through this interaction and save myself the heartache. “I decided not to, since I’m not coming with you.”
“Are you going with Zachery? To Europe?”
“No.”
“Then… what? Are you going to college?”
“I— I’m going to stay in Wildfern Ridge.”
Jake staggers back like I’ve physically struck him. He swallows, his eyes roaming over me like he might be able to identify the problem if he just looks hard enough. Like I’m a structure with a weak point, and all he needs to do is strengthen me with a well-placed two-by-four.
“So you don’t want to come withme? Is that it? You’re breaking up with me, and it has nothing to do with Michigan?”
“I’m not—” I pause, throat clogging up when I realize Iambreaking up with him. For some reason, it had never occurred to me that I would need to break things off with him to keep this secret. The hurt snowballs, and I reach out, holding onto the wall to stay upright.
“Can you just talk to me?” Jake asks, his voice nearly cracking, his hands raised, palms up, like a plea. “Please, Lara, I don’t understand what’s going on. Is it something I did?”
“I want to stay here,” I choke out, shaking my head and looking down at my shoes. “I don’t want to go with you. And I… obviously, we’re going to have to break up.”
“So, you’re scared?”
He doesn’t sound angry when he says it, but when I look up at his face, there’s something under his expression that I didn’t see before. A buried fury. I’m not quite sure it’s for me, but I feel its heat anyway.
“No, I?—”
“You’re running away from this because you’d rather stay in Wildfern Ridge, where you feel safe, than try something new. It’s the same reason you’re not going travelling with Zachery, and why you didn’t apply for college.”
“Jake,” I hiss, glancing over my shoulder, worried that my parents will hear.
“You’re afraid to leave because this is all you’ve ever known,” he spits. “I thought you were braver than that, Lara.”
He has a right to be angry, but he’s being way too loud.
Fear pounds through me. Fear that my parents are going to hear and come up to my room, and see him standing here. And later, when I have to eventually come clean with them about the baby, they’re going to have a pretty clear idea of who the father is.
Only Zachery and I can know. This thing has to be airtight in order to work.
I can do this. For Jake. I will.
