“It’s going to be fine,” Zachery says, squeezing my face, “just try to breathe, okay?”
I do what he says, mirror his breathing, filling my lungs and emptying them, head buzzing with the reality of the situation I’ve found myself in.
“We were careful,” I finally manage to say, my lips and tongue numb like when I had my wisdom teeth out. For some reason, it feels important that Zachery believes me, that he knows I wasn’t stupid about sex. “We used protection. And I’m on birth control!”
“Strong swimmers,” Zachery mutters. When I don’t laugh, he clears his throat. “Sorry, I realize now’s not the time. We’ll laugh about this later. The important thing to remember is that we’re in Minnesota, and you have options, Lara. This isn’t the end of the world.”
“What am I going to tell my parents?”
Zachery laughs, shaking his head, “Girl, of all the people we know, your parents are the ones I would be least worried about. Didn’t your mom lead a protest for Planned Parenthood?”
I blink, looking up at him, realizing for the first time that he and I are on very different pages with this. Dropping my hand to my belly, I feel something shift in the universe, some strange, sudden certainty that settles over my shoulders like a warm blanket.
An abortion had never even occurred to me, even though I’m sure I could get one at this very clinic. Even though Zachery and my parents would be supportive of that. Though I’m lucky enough to have free access to medical care, I realize that path isn’t one I want to go down.
“Lara?” Zachery asks, like he can sense I’m thinking something he didn’t expect. “Can you talk to me?”
“I don’t want an abortion.”
“Lara—” he pauses, looking like he’s trying to find the right words. “I mean, you have some time to think about it. And I’m not going to tell anyone. You know that, right?”
“Zachery, no, I know—” I stand up off the examination table and look at him, wondering if this is how he feels about going backpacking through Europe.
Is this how Jake feels about hockey?
Jake.
“I’m keeping this baby,” I tell Zachery, hoping the confidence in my tone doesn’t come out as delusional. For the first time in my life, I feel settled, like I know exactly what I want.
I think about my mom, the pictures I’ve seen of her holding me, everything she’s taught me about being a mother. What would it be like to raise my own baby here in Wildfern Ridge? To share my hometown with another person, shower them with the love my parents have always showered over me.
“Lara,” Zachery says, the word coming out as a breath, his hands trembling against my bicep as he steers me backward, trying to get me to sit down on the bench again. I do, for his sake. “I— you’re talking crazy right now. You want to, what, tell Jake that you’re pregnant and you’re keeping it? You’re going to stay here in Wildfern Ridge with him?”
Swallowing, I feel something inside me tugging uncomfortably at the thought of that. The answer comes to me easily when I think about Jake in the back of that truck, fingers working at the blanket, talking about how he would never want to be a father.
“No,” I say, looking up into Zachery’s face. “I’m not going to tell Jake, and neither are you.”
He blinks, mouth falling open. “Lara?—”
“He’s already told me he doesn’t want kids. I’m not going to be the reason he stays in this town, committing to a family he doesn’t want.”
I know he would stay for me. I know he would work construction for the rest of his life if it meant supporting a baby he helped to create.
But it would make him miserable. AndI’mmaking the decision to keep this baby. I’ll accept the full responsibility of taking care of them. This is right for me; I feel it in my soul. But it’s not right for Jake, and that’s okay.
Besides, I would never be able to live with the reality of him staying here in Wildfern Ridge, resenting me for altering the course of his life - for keeping him from his dream when I never had one of my own.
I realize my hand is still on my stomach. There’s a baby in there, already three months old. Without even knowing it, I’m a third of the way through a full pregnancy.
This babyismy dream. With everything my parents and Zachery talked about me doing with my life, being a mother was always on the horizon. A secondary dream I could only have once I did something more important first.
“This is my thing, Zachery,” I say, reaching up and taking his hand with mine. “I need you to back me up on it, okay?”
He stays completely still, swallows, then squeezes my hand. “Okay. But your parents are going to be pissed, you know that?”
Whether I go with Jake or stay here, they are going to be disappointed in me. That’s something I’ve already been working on coming to peace with.
“I know,” I say, clearing my throat as the doctor knocks on the door again, her pretty, dark brown hair tied back in a braid over her shoulder.
