CHAPTER 35
THAYER
Staring outside at the mountains nearby, my mind replays Kate’s story over and over, as if the self-flagellation can abolish my guilt. I pushed her into telling the worst part of her history. And for what? To prove to my brothers she wasn’t who they needed or loved? Why? I’d relied on their sound judgement and gut instinct for years. Hell, in the Army, they saved my life more times than I could count. And yet I doubted their character assessment and feelings for the one woman they’ve known intimately for months and I’ve known only for days. I know they don’t love easily, so why didn’t I take that into account?
Her story was devastating and remarkable. As a doctor, I empathize with her simple mistake. Medications impact individuals differently, and to have one decision result in the unintended deaths of many was devastating. As doctors, we enter the field to save lives, not destroy them.
As a previous soldier, I admire her tenacity in surviving and rebuilding her life with the pieces that were left to her. She literally went through a war and came out the other side weary and wounded, but with a renewed determination to survive.
As a man, though, I cannot reconcile her capacity to love and trust my brothers after all she endured at the hands of her husband. How? And not just one, but three men. After the cruelty and abuse her husband heaped on her, I cannot fathom her ability to take another chance with them. The guts of it all.
I need to cultivate some of that trust myself. Instead of moving on from Vanessa, I allowed her life decisions to shape mine, my anger and bitterness driving me from one adrenaline-fueled stunt to the next, until finally driving me into a reckless accident.
Air displaces behind me, and I know Shaw is standing there. Turning around the wheelchair, I brace myself for his anger. Instead, I find a mix of emotions swirling in his eyes. Anger, fear, sadness, and even understanding.
Raising my hands, I stare at him in misery. “I don’t even know what to say. I knew she was hiding something, but I never expected she hid such hate and abuse. And I didn’t trust you to know your own damn minds. To know whatever she was keeping from you wasn’t because of you, but because she couldn’t speak of it.” He says nothing, as if his words are muted. “Fuck, I wish you would just punch me.” Raising my jaw, I move closer to him. His hand clenches with anger, as if the need is there, but he doesn’t move.
“I’m not going to fucking punch you, Thayer. Although I did think about it. This whole situation is so unlike you, I don’t even know where to begin digging. Given your background, you know skeletons are real.”
Nodding, I think about my shit childhood. While I didn’t lack for anything money could buy, I lived in a house full of secrets not fit for the outside world. Thinking about how they would look to an outsider, I shudder. I would hate the person who shined a light on those secrets.
“All I can think about is her story. All of it. Not just the part about her husband. To go through all of it and come out the other side? It’s a miracle she loves and trusts you bastards at all.” Rolling back over to the windows, I wince as I hear the whirring noise of the chair. After hearing Kate’s story, the sound haunts me. “You’re lucky to have found each other.”
“What is driving all this, Thayer? Help me understand, man.”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I was in the hospital, scared I wouldn’t walk again, and suddenly you are all speaking about finding one woman to share again. This inescapable feeling of fear, anger, and despair rose up in me.”
Shaw’s quiet as he thinks about it from my angle. “It’s a hell of a lot to take in when you haven’t been around for the last six months.”
“It’s not that I haven’t been around for six months. The passage of time is different for me. One day I’m skiing recklessly downhill, trying to outrun my demons, and the next day I’m hearing I have been in a coma for six months and may not be able to walk. For me, it’s as if two days passed, not six months. And then to hear my brothers have found someone to love? Without me.”
“I’m sorry, Thayer. I know it doesn’t help, but I truly mean it.” Standing beside me, he drops a hand on my shoulder and squeezes. “But this can’t continue. We need her. I need her. I’m here to help you in whatever capacity you need. But you need to figure out your shit. If by some miracle she doesn’t run, then she will be a part of our lives.”
“Where should I start? I feel like I have three strikes against me. I look like her husband. I am in a wheelchair, the instrument of her torture and abuse. And I have only shown her my asshole side. It feels hopeless.” My fingers pick at the controller on the chair as I wait for his answer.
“Mm. I’ve been giving it some thought, but I wanted to be sure you were open to hearing it first.”
Motioning for him to continue, I turn the wheelchair around to face him.
“We need her to see past the physical to the man underneath.” Shaw’s voice is distant as he reasons out the strategy for moving forward. “When I first met you, I thought you were an entitled prick. Your arrogance when speaking to others was astounding. Hell, I didn’t like you at all.”
Grimacing, I give a half-hearted laugh. I never knew he didn’t like me. “What made you change your mind?”
“After that first big skirmish we were in together. When those wounded men were brought to you, you were relentless. Your determination to save their lives was astounding. Nothing could hold you back. Not the sheer number of hours you worked, the conditions, or the type of wound. It didn’t matter. If there was a possibility a soldier would live, you were there to drag them away from death. Over and over. I knew then I wanted you at my back and as my friend.”
My face heats as I listen to his words. I never knew why we had become such close friends. Shaw has always been picky about who he lets in his inner circle. At the time, I just felt lucky he’d picked me.
“Umm, thanks. So, what are you suggesting?”
“You need to get her to see beyond your physical appearance and the wheelchair. If you spend time at work every day, you will find a way to show her your best self. Not the asshole she met today. What do you think? Are you up to going into the practice?”
Looking down at the wheelchair, I realize this is another battle. One I have to face head-on. If I want all of them to forgive me and us to move forward, I need to figure this out.
