Plus, he was finally getting better with his routine, his structure, his carefully crafted environment. Was he really going to risk all that? What if he did and she didn’t feel the same? Could his perfectly balanced life survive that?
His pulse raced and his throat tightened, unable to allow any air into his lungs. Christ, just the thought of the pain of her rejection…and he was having a full-blown panic attack.
“Breathe,” Thomas whispered, his grip tightening on Blake’s arm, providing an anchor to reality. “In. One, two, three, four. Hold. Out. One, two, three, four.”
Blake’s body followed the old man’s command, and suddenly, Blake was in control again. But it only proved how easily he could lose it. He couldn’t ask anyone to share a life like his.
“Take advice from an old, weathered fool,” Thomas interrupted Blake’s racing spiral of doom. “Life won’t wait for us idiot humans to somehow achieve perfection. You gotta embrace the good and bad, warts and all. Hitch your pants up and find the courage to grab what life sets in your path, kid.” He held up his hand, the one with his wedding ring, and gave it a kiss. “Trust me. I should know.”
Blake sighed, watching as the troopers escorted the last of the patients out, leaving Sara alone. She slipped into the empty exam room where he’d stashed Alyssa and Thomas earlier.
Kelly, the nurse, came in from the ambulance staging area, spotted Thomas. “There you are. Our ride’s waiting. Time to go, Thomas.”
Blake stifled his laugh as Thomas immediately appeared frail and doddering, letting Kelly help him up, leaning on her as he shuffled away. “Now then,” he said, “tell me all about this fiancé of yours. Not sure he’s good enough for a pretty girl like you, Miss Kelly.”
They exited, and then it was just Blake and Sara.
How the hell did a walk of twenty feet down an empty hall take more courage than driving an RG-31 down the Highway to Hell?
Yet, somehow, he made it.
* * *
He found Sara,shoulders slumped, wielding a red biohazard trash bag, disposing of the bloody dressings and sheets left from Alyssa and Thomas. He approached her from behind, taking the bag from her, his other hand lying gently on her shoulder—an invitation. She slumped against him, still facing away. He understood that. Some things were best shared without eye contact.
“I killed him. He knew it, too. Knew exactly what I was doing, what I did…” She stripped the gloves from her hands, balled them up, let them fall to the floor. “He wasn’t a bad kid. He even apologized, said he was sorry…” A choked sob reverberated through her. “And then, then…he thanked me.”
Her entire body shuddered as she finally set her tears free. He turned her to him, let her bury her face in his chest and simply held her tight. There were times when human touch was the most powerful medicine in the world. Sara had taught him that.
Once she stopped crying, he still held her.
“I wish I had the words,” he began. “But I’m not sure there are any.” He took a deep breath, pulled her even closer. “They told me time would make things better. And it did, kinda, but it also dulled me. Made me oblivious. Living each day exactly like the last, like the next. I thought I was in control.”
She tilted her head up to meet his gaze. It took everything he had not to flinch. “Two control freaks like you and me,” she whispered. “When are we gonna learn, chaos always wins? It’s a basic law of thermodynamics, entropy. The entire universe is hard-wired for self-destruction.”
“Just like us humans.” He shook his head and chuckled, surprising himself. “No. Not like us humans. We get to choose. Free will, remember? Those men, they chose. And suffered the consequences. You and I, we chose to put ourselves on the line to protect our patients, our friends. Yeah, there’s a price to pay.”
“There’s always a price to pay,” she agreed, but her tone was bitter.
“No. I mean, the price is worth it, right? Think of the lives we saved—you saved. They could’ve all died if you hadn’t?—”
She pushed away from him. “I understand what you’re saying, but I should be saving lives, not taking them,” she whispered, her voice wavering as she stared at the aftermath. “Men died tonight because of me.”
“I know, I know.” He wished she was back in his arms, but understood she needed space. “Like I was saying, time helps. A little. But you know what really made the difference, at least for me?”
She tore her gaze away from the blood on the floor beside her shoes, hauled in a deep breath, blew it out, and finally, finally looked up to meet his eyes once more. “Peanut M&M’s?”
“Well, yeah, of course. But also friends to share them with. Friends to share everything with—the good and the bad.”
A sheriff’s deputy poked her head in the door. “Folks, we’re securing this area, so you’ll need to leave. Dr. Porter, the detectives are ready for your statement, if you’ll come with me. Mr. Harrow, they said they have everything they need from you. You’re free to go.”
Sara’s hand brushed his and he wrapped his fingers around hers. “You’ll be fine, just walk them through everything, they don’t bite.” When the cops had finally arrived, he’d taken them through the events as thoroughly as if he’d been prepping an after-action report. “Maybe we could grab coffee after? I’ll wait.”
Sara squeezed his hand. “Thought you’d never ask. But none of that crap from the vending machines. If you want good coffee, we’ll go to my place.” She leaned into him and lowered her voice to a whisper. “I keep the best stuff there. How’s tomorrow work for you?”
Tonight would be better, but they were both exhausted.
“Works for me.” The needy, rough edge to his voice surprised him, but she actually turned and smiled as she left with the deputy.
