He held her through every wave, never breaking rhythm, whispering her name like a vow before joining her.
When they were spent, he kissed her shoulder and left briefly before returning with a warm, damp cloth to clean her carefully, his touch gentle.
Then he slipped under the covers and pulled her against his chest, wrapping himself around her like armour.
Chapter 49
They lay in silence for a while, limbs tangled, hearts slowing.
Then, quietly, she said, “I couldn’t do this before. There was no pleasure. Sex was a chore that was proof that I was okay. That I could do it despite what happened to me.”
Thane stayed still. Listening.
“I mean… I couldn’t even think about it for the longest time, about letting a man touch me. It felt…” She shook her head. “Wrong. Even if they were kind.”
“You don’t owe me this,” he murmured.
“I know,” she said, voice steady. “That’s why I wanted to give it to you.”
She shifted slightly, not to pull away, but to look up at him. Her eyes were open and vulnerable. There was no hiding left. “I was twenty-two the first time I had sex. After…you know. It was our graduation party. He was a guy from my academy cohort—a good guy. We’d joked around, trained together. I knew I wouldn’t see him again. He was being posted far. I let him take me home.”
Her voice drifted slightly. “He was gentle. He knew I had been through stuff, so he took off my clothes like I might break. It was short. There were no fireworks. I didn’t enjoy it…but it was mine. I made the choice. And that felt like I had won something.”
She let out a breath. “I dressed and left right after. I couldn’t stop crying in the taxi. Or at home. But I didn’t regret it. I think I needed to do it first, on my terms.”
Thane stroked her arm slowly, saying nothing, just holding her close.
“There were two more…for lack of a better word, encounters,” she said softly. “Both…forgettable. Then nothing. Until you.” She looked up again, gaze clear. “When you touched me—even before you knew who I was—it was like putting my finger in a live socket. Uncomfortable. But I liked the pain. It was like you restarted my heart. Isn’t that insane?”
Thane didn’t answer. Just exhaled shakily and brushed a kiss against her temple.
“You saw Theodora,” she continued, quieter now. “And I knew exactly what you were thinking. You thought you had found me.”
His grip tightened slightly.
“She was a decoy,” Faolan said. “They always plant one of theirs for insurance. So, if a raid happens, all the real kids get eliminated. Usually just a shot to the head. Easier than untangling the mess if someone outs them.”
A long silence stretched between them. He had seen this as well. Now he was kicking himself for not realizing.
“The things I’ve seen, Thane…”
He pulled her into his chest, crushing her there. One brawny arm tight around her waist, the other threading through her hair.
After a long while, he spoke. “Girls at school thought I was a prize of some sort,” he said bitterly. “But I was fucked in thehead. I’d look at every blonde, blue-eyed girl and wonder…what if it was you? I couldn’t stop.”
Faolan was listening.
“My dad forced me into therapy. I was acting crazy. Getting into fights. Angry all the time. At twenty, I was still looking, but inside? I’d given up. I told myself that I’d imagined you. It was the only way I could function.”
He let out a breath. “First time I tried…with a woman…I blacked out. Scared the hell out of her. She was kind, but I was shaking. I couldn’t breathe. She called Zel from my phone and he came and got me. I picked someone else at a pub a week later. Brunette. As different from you as possible. I could do it that time.” His voice dropped, as if ashamed. “After that, there were others.”
She touched his jaw, gently. “You don’t have to explain.”
He looked away. “I wish I’d waited.”
“No.” She leaned in, forehead against his. “I think we needed to grow up apart. We would’ve self-destructed if we found each other too soon.” Her fingers curled at his chest. “We’re both broken, Thane. But we fit. Like Kintsugi. The cracks don’t ruin us…they make us hold stronger.”
His eyes softened, then darkened as his hand slowly slid down the length of her body, settling against her flat belly. “You don’t have to worry about Anatoly,” he said, voice rough now. “He won’t ever be found.”
