“Well, I’ll let you get back to your… date.” The word tastes like acid in my mouth, and I have to swallow down the bile that’s threatening to come up.
“She’s my PA,” James finally pipes up, his intense gaze still firmly on me.
The tension in my shoulders melts somewhat, but we all know about workplace romances. Just because she’s his PA doesn’t mean he’s not fucking her on the side.
Starting to retreat backward, I just nod my head. Once I reach the safety of the door, I hightail it up to my room. Closing the door, I lean against it, shutting my eyes and trying to keep the tears at bay.
How long can I keep doing this to myself? It’s not healthy. The love I have for James isn’t a crush that’ll burn out in a week or two. It’s the kind of love that spans forever and a day. I know deep within my heart that no man will ever match up to him.
Showering and changing into my pjs, I crawl into bed, the tears flowing freely.
A gentle knock at the door, followed by, “Raven?” causes me to sit up. I hastily wipe my face and walk to the door, my feet silent as I step along the carpet.
James’s face is a mask of worry when he takes in my blotchy face and snotty nose. “Who did this to you?” he growls, taking a step toward me.
I give him a watery smile. “You did.”
He looks at me as if I’ve just slapped him across the face. “I made you cry?”
“Yeah, you did.” I wrap my arms around myself, rubbing them. I can’t bring myself to look at him anymore, so I glance down at my feet, willing him to say what he needs to say and then leave me to my misery.
James puts a finger under my chin and tilts my head to face him, yet I still don’t make eye contact. “Look at me, Raven.”
I sigh before bringing my gaze to his. He moves his hand to cup my cheek, and I lean into it, sighing at the contact. James gently brushes away the tears that have fallen, his eyes softening.
“What did I do?” he breathes out.
I huff. “It doesn’t matter. Just forget it.”
“Can’t do that, pretty girl. If I’ve upset you, I need to know why.”
Do I tell him? Finally get out everything that I’ve been desperate to tell him for so long? To have him reject me yet again, even though I’m not sure my heart can take it? Or I just play it off, ignore my feelings once again?
“You wouldn’t understand,” I mumble.
“Try me,” comes his reply.
The words are on the tip of my tongue. You only live once, right?
“I’m in love with you,” I mumble. I say it again, but louder this time, with more confidence. “I’m in love with you, James. I have been for a long time, and I can’t keep doing this with you anymore.”
His gaze darts across my face like he’s waiting for the punchline, but there isn’t one. I spoke my truth, now I need to know his. There’s no point in holding my breath; I know it’ll be the same reply as usual.
I go to turn away from him when he says, “Wait.”
I stop, but I don’t allow myself any hope; we’ve done this same song and dance for too long now.
“You don’t love me, pretty girl, you don’t even know me,” he says softly, like he’s trying to let me down gently. “I’m an asshole. I fuck, I leave. How you think you love me is beyond me.”
I throw my arms up in exasperation. “Because I do, James. Because I watch you interact with people, watch you give a part of yourself to them without even knowing it. Just like you did after I got attacked.” I pause, catching my breath before continuing, “Your reaction? That was more than an ‘uncle’ caring for his ‘niece’ and you know it.”
“I don’t understand, Raven. How can you love someone from that alone?” he exclaims, eyes wide as he runs his hands through his hair.
“I feel more than most, James,” I explain. “I see people for who they are and not for what they offer. You areeverythingI want and more in a man… not to mention sexy as hell. Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean that it’s not true, and I don’t know what my heart is telling me. I’ve been on dates, and I felt nothing, but with you? I feel everything! Don’t make me go through life without knowing what it could be like to be yours, even for one night.”
My outburst comes to an end, and he stares at me. “We’re?—”
“Friends. Yeah, that doesn’t work for me.” I move further into the room away from him. “I’ll have Leo take me back to the dorms tomorrow.”
