Page 110 of Not Your Girl


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“Sorry,” I say with a wry smile, feeling lighter even at just saying those words, at seeing Jordan, Noah, and Cooper looking at me with open expressions, waiting to see what I say next. “Let me try that again. I’m depressed. Clinically. I was diagnosed in college. Mom and Dad know, and so does Cece, but I’ve kept it from you guys for a long time, and I’m sorry about that.”

I look at Jordan first because I think out of all my brothers, he’ll be the one who understands. He’s been through a lot too. He reaches across the table, over the breakfast dishes, and, with a look of such deep understanding that my throat gets tight and my eyes burn, lays a hand on mine. “You don’t owe us an explanation, El. If you’re ready to tell us now, then we’re ready to listen.”

“It was yours to tell, El,” Cooper says, filling a coffee mug and sliding it across the table to me. “You don’t have to apologize for not being ready before.”

“I don’t know,” Noah muses. “I thought the Wyles bros don’t keep secrets from each other.”

Jo slaps him on the back of his head. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Then she looks up at me, wicked grin on her face. “Sorry, had to put the little brother in his place.”

I smile, my chest expanding with love for my brother’s girlfriend. “You’re the best, Jo Jo.”

“Oh, I know,” she says, dousing her waffle in whipped cream and syrup and taking a giant bite.

“Fuck, Jo,” Noah says, rubbing the back of his head as Jordan snorts out a laugh and swings an arm around Jo’s shoulders.“I’m older than you, and I was kidding. Jesus, I thought I would lighten the mood a little. I’m the mood lightener.”

Amelia snickers, and I turn, grinning back at her, feeling light as air and entirely unburdened. “I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. Okay, that’s a lie. I do know. I didn’t tell you at first because I’m the guy who has everything handled, and saying it out loud felt like admitting that maybe I’m not that guy all the time. And if I’m not him, I don’t know who the fuck I am. And then the longer I went without telling you, the harder it was to say the words.”

“Why now?” Jordan asks. There’s no judgment in his tone. Just curiosity.

I shrug, taking a sip of my coffee, thinking of Henry and Clara, and all the parts of themselves they had to hide from the world. Of Amelia and I not being able to be everything everywhere. “Because this is me. Dark and twisty brain and all.” I turn to Amelia and smile, squeezing her hand. “And over the past few months, I’ve had a really important reminder that it’s okay to just be me. To give the people I care about most all the pieces of me. To be me everywhere, not just where it’s most convenient.”

Amelia leans over and kisses my cheek. “Proud of you, El,” she whispers in my ear.

“I’m proud of you too,” Jordan says. “In the least patronizing way possible, I swear.” He leans back in his chair, and like Jo can read his mind, she reaches over and takes his free hand in hers. “I know what it’s like to feel dark, and I know what it feels like to lose pieces of yourself and not be sure if you’ll be able to find them again.” He glances over at Jo, and the love on his face is raw and intense and has emotion tightening my throat for everything he’s lost—and everything he’s found. “I also know what it feels like to find the person who takes your broken parts and helps you put them back together again.” His gaze movesfrom me to Amelia and to our joined hands, and a smile spreads across his face. “I think you understand that now, and that’s why you were ready.”

I blow out a breath, the relief at being understood so well a little overwhelming.

Cooper studies me with that all-seeing gaze of his. “It’s been harder than you let on, hiding your relationship at school. Maybe even harder than you let yourself think about.”

It’s not a question, but I answer it anyway. “Yes. Turns out I’m terrible at subterfuge, and hiding gives me anxiety.”

“Of course it does,” Noah says. “You’re always you. Whether it’s running in Central Park when we were visiting Jordan even though the rest of us were lazy asses on the couch, or remembering what kind of cream cheese we all like on our bagels and keeping our favorite snacks in your kitchen because we like to hang out here best, or buying Jordan and Jo real hangers so they could have an actual adult closet, or spending six months searching for the girl you met on the plane, you’re always the most authentic version of yourself. Having a dark and twisty brain doesn’t change that. Fuck hard. Hiding your relationship, even just at school, for the past few months must have been damn near impossible.”

Silence fills the room as we all stare at Noah, who is casually cutting into his second waffle like he didn’t just accurately psychoanalyze me in one minute or less.

Cooper lets out a low whistle, breaking the silence. “Jesus, Noah, turns out you’re more than just a pretty face after all. Where has all that intelligent intuition been all this time?”

Noah grins. “I like to bust it out every now and then. Keep you all on your toes. So, now that we’ve established Dean Miller is an asshole and hiding his relationship with Amelia gives Elliot hives, what’s the plan?”

“The plan for what?” asks Jo.

“Keep up, Jo Jo,” Noah says. “The plan for making sure Elliot can keep his job and Amelia can stay in her PhD program and doesn’t get her identity splashed around everywhere before she’s ready.”

“Well, I can take care of that last part of that right now,” Amelia says cheerily, bumping my shoulder with hers. “I’m dropping out of the program.”

“Like fuck you are,” Noah says. “That bastard doesn’t get to win.”

Amelia laughs. “Simmer down, Norma Rae. This doesn’t have anything to do with the dean. I enrolled in the program for the wrong reasons. I was trying to escape Gabe and his giant shadow, and, well, that’s impossible, and I’m awesome all on my own, so I’ve decided to just embrace it.”

Cooper studies her. “So what happens now?”

She shrugs, and it doesn’t seem like an act. For the first time in maybe ever, my girl doesn’t have a fully formed plan for what comes next, and she seems fine with that. I love it. Her happiness. Her lightness. Her. “I don’t know exactly, but I do know I want to do something with Genesis. I want to tell everyone I created it and create more like it. That’s what I love. Not school. I want to do way less of anything that involves school.”

“My bestie is a freaking genius,” Jo says, grinning at Amelia. “Women in STEM for the fucking win.”

“Bet your ass,” Amelia says, grinning back at her.

“Okay,” Noah says, straightening like he’s about to make a deal. “We’re definitely keeping you too. We already have Jo Jo, and she’s awesome. And now it turns out you’re smarter than all of us put together, and you like romance novelsandtrue crime, which is cool as hell, and you always have red gummy bears, which are the best, so please never leave us.”