“He’s not alone,” I confirm. “He’s…important to me. I would never let him be alone.”
“So thatmoreHannah was asking about?”
“I like him,” I say simply. “I like him in a butterflies in my stomach, think about him all the time, smile when he texts or calls, can’t wait to see him when we’re apart kind of way. But in the six weeks I’ve been living in New York, his friendship has also become the most important thing in my life, after you guys and these babies. I don’t know if it’s worth it to risk that.”
Hannah smiles, squeezing my shoulder. “I’m pretty sure I’ve written that book, and Hallie literally lived it.” Hannah worked in Human Resources for a couple of years after college before she decided to try writing a romance novel very loosely based on Hallie and Ben’s friends to lovers love story. It blew up massively and now she writes full time.
“True, but my life isn’t a book, and no one is Hallie and Ben. What you guys have doesn’t exist anywhere else.”
“False, Jo. I know it exists because I’ve seen it in my friends. Julie, Emma, and Molly all have their wild, once in a lifetime loves too. It doesn’t look like mine, because every story is different, but they are all big and important, and none of them came without a little bit of risk and a leap of faith. And I think Hannah is on her way to her love story too,” Hallie says, referring to Hannah’s boyfriend, Brett.
I look over, expecting Hannah to sigh happily or get the dreamy look in her eyes she usually does when someone brings up Brett, but instead, her face shutters completely, and she stares down at her hands. “You okay, Han?” I nudge her, concern for her overtaking every other thought in my brain. When I glance over at Hallie, I see the same concern all over her face.
Hannah’s head snaps up. “I’m fine. Just got a story idea. It’s nothing.”
I study her, almost positive it’s not nothing. But I also know that Hannah is a lot more private than I am, and pressing her to talk when she’s not ready never works. “Okay. You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”
“Of course, I do. But this isn’t about me. We were talking about you and whether you want to cross the friendship Rubicon into more.” She smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes.
“Let me ask you something,” Hallie says, no doubt seeing the same thing I am, and I know we’ll both be keeping an extra eye on Hannah. “You’ve told us a lot about what you’ve done for Jordan, and I think he’s lucky to have you as a friend. But what about what he’s done for you? I know he still has grief he’s working through, and I would imagine that has a way of taking over. I just want to make sure that you don’t lose yourself in helping him through that. You’re important too, Jo Jo.”
I smile and adjust a still sleeping Caitlin in my arm. “Being friends with him makes me feel the most like myself I ever have. Making friends has always been hard for me because I’ve always felt like I had to make myself smaller. To be less of everything. Less wild, less spontaneous, less colorful, quieter. You guys are the only ones who have never made me feel like that, until Jordan.” I take a deep breath to try and shove down the unexpected emotion that burns behind my eyes. “Jordan makes me feel seen. He listens to me when I talk, and he goes along with all my crazy ideas and is interested in the things that are important to me. I can be a lot, and he makes me feel like that’s a good thing. Like it’s okay to be exactly who I am.”
“But?” Hannah asks.
I turn to her. “But what?”
She shrugs. “It seems like there’s a but somewhere in there, and not in the fun way.”
I snort out a laugh. “You are twelve years old. But you’re also not wrong. There are so many buts, and none of them are fun. He might not be ready. Two years isn’t that long to grieve the person you were going to spend your life with. What if it fucks up our friendship? And also, there’s the little detail of, I live here. In two months, I’m leaving New York and he’s staying. That doesn’t exactly bode well for starting any kind of relationship.”
“Look,” Hallie starts. “I have to admit, my first instinct would be to say of course he’s not ready. But after listening to you, I think you see a different Jordan than the rest of us do, and I think the one you see may just be who he is now. If something starts between you guys, you have to trust him that he’s ready for it. No one can make that decision except for him, so take his lead. If he’s ready, you’ll know. And as for everything else? I’m like the poster child for taking a leap even though you’re afraid it might detonate your friendship. If I hadn’t taken the leap, I would have had to live my whole life without the kind of love I have now. Without this home we’ve built together and without these babies. Sometimes you take the leap because living without seeing what’s on the other side is unacceptable. And geography is just details. You can figure anything out.”
I take a deep breath, staring at Hallie. “Jesus, Hal, that was some A+ oldest sistering.”
She grins at me. “I know. But seriously, Jo, you deserve every single good thing in the world. I only want the best things for you, and I support literally anything that makes you happy.”
“Me too!”
“She says, with extreme middle sister energy,” I say, grinning at Hannah, who elbows me in the ribs.
“Ow, fuck,” I complain, rubbing at my side. “You should really be more careful when I’m holding a baby.”
Hannah just shrugs and smiles, unbothered and extremely not sorry.
“A baby who needs to eat,” Hallie says, standing up from the couch, expertly taking a baby into each arm. “How about I feed them and put them down and then we order way too many tacos? Ben’s at the bar with the guys until who knows when, so it’s just us. Girls’ night?”
“Absolutely yes,” Hannah says, pulling out her phone. “I’ll order the tacos, and you do the babies.”
“What about me?”
Hannah gives me another smile. “I assumed you would want more baby time. Go be with Hallie while she feeds them and help get them down for the night. I’ll take care of everything else.”
I lean over and wrap my sister in a hug, so happy to be here with them. “Thanks, Han. Love you.”
“Love you back, Jo Jo. I’m really glad you’re home.”
* * *
