“No,” I say firmly. I press my lips together, willing myself not to laugh at the sad puppy dog look on Jordan’s face.
Jordan pushes the remains of our breakfast to the side and slides closer to me on the gazebo bench, picking up one of my hands and lacing our fingers together. “So, I’m what? Supposed to just say goodbye to you today on the sidewalk outside your apartment and watch Ben drive you away? I hate that, Jo.”
Goodbye. Today.
I hate that combination of words. It’s my last morning in New York, and we’re having one last breakfast at our gazebo by the lake in Central Park. Ben drove in last night to pick me up since I had too much stuff to fly with, and I’m meeting him back at my apartment in an hour. Ever since I made this plan a week ago, Jordan has been lobbying hard to be the one to drive me back to Pittsburgh, and it’s not that I don’t want to spend the extra time with him. I do. I want as much time with him as I can get. All the time. Forever, even. But I don’t think my heart can take the extended goodbye.
I’m hanging on by a thread as it is.
I stand from the bench and sit back down in his lap. He immediately wraps his arms around me and leans his forehead against mine.
“This feels impossible,” he whispers.
I swallow down the tears that want to rise and lean back to look at him. “For me too, J. The last thing I want is to be apart from you. I don’t even want to sit on the other end of this bench. But I’m not the only one with someone waiting for me today.”
Jordan’s new job doesn’t start for a while, but he’s leaving New York today too. Elliot took the train in to help him pack up his apartment and keep him company on the drive to Boston. I’m grateful for it. I wish it could be me, but if it’s not, at least he has one of his brothers.
Jordan shakes his head. “Elliot can wait. He’s fine in my apartment. I don’t even need to be in Boston for another two weeks. I just don’t want to be in New York without you. The city feels like our place now. Like somewhere we need to be together.”
I smile despite the twist of dread in my stomach at the thought of saying goodbye. “This is our place. This has been the best summer of my life.”
Jordan leans in and kisses me, long and slow, as the summer morning sun filters through the gazebo. “Mine too, Hurricane. I wish…” He breaks off, swallowing hard. “I wish it didn’t have to be this way.”
I see the emotions swirling in his eyes, and I hear the words he isn’t saying.
I wish I was ready to take the next step.
I wish I could say the words.
I wish I could ask you to come with me.
If he told me he loved me right now and asked me to come with him to Boston, I would march home and tell Ben to go back to Pittsburgh without me. I would take the opportunity Monica told me about. I would move to Boston without a second thought.
Hopefully one day, I’ll do all those things. But not today.
Not until he’s ready. I’m trusting that he’ll tell me when he is.
Boston is where he needs to be, and when it’s time, I want to be wherever he is.
I kiss him on the cheek and cup his face in my hands. “Me too, but it’s not forever, J. We’ll make it work. It’s Pittsburgh to Boston, not the moon. Planes fly to Boston, and cars drive to Pittsburgh. We’ll call and video and do all the things.”
He wraps his arms around my waist and buries his face in my neck. “You always smell like cupcakes. I can’t smell you through the phone.”
I smile into his hair. “I’ll buy you a cupcake scented candle and a lifetime supply of Fireballs. It’ll be like I’m there even though I’m not there.”
Jordan’s arms tighten around me. “I’m going to miss you so fucking much. I miss you already, and you’re sitting right here.”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I’m trying my best to hold it together, for him and for me, but I’m losing my grip a little. This is why I couldn’t let him be the one to drive me back. There’s no way I’d be able to stop myself from grabbing onto his leg and begging him to never leave me.
Doing the right thing fucking sucks.
“Okay.” I sit up straight so I can look at him. “We need a reframe. I’m a bright side sort of girl, so let’s bright side this shit.”
Jordan gives me a wry smile. “I’m fucking crazy about you, Jo Jo.”
I lean forward and smack a kiss to his cheek. “I’m crazy about you too. That’s why this is all going to be fine. See? Bright side.”
He nods gamely. “Okay, what else you got?”
