* * *
“Oh, my god,” I squeal, bouncing on the toes of my Converse as I take in the nine bronze duck statues lined up on the cobblestones in the Boston Commons. “This is AMAZING.”
Jordan grins at me. “You know, MakeWay for Ducklings?”
“Are you kidding me?” I crouch down and run my hand over the smooth back of the biggest duck. “It’s only my favorite children’s book ever. I mean, Mrs. Mallard walking with ‘an extra swing in her waddle?’ Come on. That’s iconic behavior.”
Jordan crouches next to me on the cobblestones, so we’re shoulder to shoulder. He presses a kiss to my temple and tugs me so I’m sitting between his legs, facing the statues, my back to his front. It’s starting to get dark out, and the air is heavy with an impending thunderstorm that seems to be chasing the tourists away. The Boston Public Garden is unusually empty for a summer evening. “When we were kids, my mom used to bring each of us into the city for a special day every few months. We went out to lunch and got to pick all the activities. When it was my turn, I always wanted to end the day here.”
I smile and turn sideways, tossing both my legs over one of Jordan’s so I can see his face. I hand him a Fireball and ask, “Why here?”
Jordan pops the Fireball in his mouth and props his chin on my shoulder. Wrapping one arm around my waist, and the other hand holds his phone in front of my face with a picture of Dippy on the screen, the scarf covered in ducks.
I giggle, leaning a shoulder against him as he wraps his other arm around me. I can feel him smile into my hair, and that turns everything inside me gooey. “How did you know we would end up here?”
“I took an extra picture just in case we did because I really wanted to bring you here. This is my favorite place. I loved the book. I thought it was so cool that I could recognize Boston in the illustrations and that I could come here, and it was like looking at the pages of the book. Those ducks were looking for a home, and I liked that they made it here in the Boston Public Garden. I think I knew, even as a kid, that Boston was the only place that would ever truly feel like home to me.”
The hint of longing in his voice from before when we were standing by the Harbor is now full-blown yearning. I turn and brush my fingers along Jordan’s forehead, pushing back the hair that’s falling over his face. “You miss it.”
Jordan takes in a shaky breath and lets it out, glancing around the Commons. “So fucking much. I didn’t realize how much until I came back. I stayed away for so long, made a home in Pittsburgh, and then ran away and hid in New York when my life fell apart. I needed to do both of those things. But it’s like now that I’m here, everything in this city is pulling me back towards it. This is my favorite place.”
A little curl of anxiety snakes through me, like I can already sense that this is what is going to tug us away from each other, at least physically. But Jordan has lost so much, and I love him too much to make this about me. I lay my hand on his cheek, brushing my thumb over his cheekbone, looking into his beautiful face. “Have you considered coming back here? For good?”
Slowly, Jordan nods. “It’s not something I thought about until the last couple of weeks, and when I did, it was more in the abstract,I hate my job operating on adultskind of way. But it’s like the second we pulled up at my parents’ house the other day, a missing part of me clicked into place. Boston is home for me. Would you ever…” He breaks off and swallows hard, locking eyes with me and trying again. “Could you ever see yourself here?”
My heart takes flight as we stare at each other, falling silent as the air around us crackles with electricity and an unnamablesomethingthat feels both new and like a tale as old as time. Jordan’s eyes are intense, and my heart beats out the simple words that mean everything.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I have lived out loud all my life, and keeping this feeling to myself is the most counter-intuitive thing I have ever done. But I know in my gut that it can’t come from me first. Jordan needs to be the one to take the step. To be the first one to say the words that mean future and family and forever. I want all those things with him more than I want to take my next breath. But he has to want it too, and I won’t push him into something he’s not ready for.
I love him too much for that too.
Jordan’s hand comes to my face, gaze steady on mine. His eyes blaze with emotion and it’s like I can see everything I feel for him mirrored in those gorgeous blues.
“Jo,” he whispers, and my name sounds like a prayer on his lips. “I…” He pauses, and my heart gallops. “I’m crazy about you, Hurricane.”
I force my face not to fall as my insides do. I know I can’t rush this. Not if I want us to have a chance at something real. A chance at forever. I shove down my instinct to blurt out all my deepest feelings, to smother him with all the love I feel for him. All the love he deserves.
“I’m crazy about you too, J. And if Boston is where you want to be, then this is where you should be. You should be in the place that makes you the happiest. You deserve to be so, so happy, Jordan. The happiest person in the world.”
“You make me happy, Jo. I can’t be the happiest person in the world if I don’t have you. You’re mine.”
His voice catches a little on the word mine, and I turn completely so we’re facing each other, cupping his face in my hands. “You have me, Jordan. You were mine the first night we went stargazing, and you told me I got all the constellations wrong, and you’re mine now.”
Jordan takes a deep breath in through his nose and lets it out slowly. “But what happens in a couple weeks when summer is over?”
I give him a small smile, thinking of the work opportunity I have. The one that would let me work from anywhere. The one I hope I can do one day from wherever he is. “I have a job to get back to in Pittsburgh, and I have a feeling there’s a condo in a Back Bay building full of brothers calling your name. There are video calls and visits and maybe even old-fashioned letters because I love myself a stationary store.”
Jordan smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. My stomach clenches, but I know this is what has to happen if we have a chance at something real. All I want is to be wherever he is, but he needs to decide where he wants to be first.
And it may be stupid, but I need the words.
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m yours. Long distance sucks, but it’s workable. Decide what you want your next step to be, and then we can figure out all the details.”
