Hallie reaches over and squeezes my hand, and I give her a smile, grateful for the support.
“He’s one of the best people I have ever known. He’s kind and patient and funny and really, really fun. He loves his family and bakes cookies and cried when he met his new nephew. And he gets me. Like, really, really gets me, all the way through. He understands things about me that I didn’t even understand about myself, and I think he has since the first time we met at the gala in July. It seems weird to say because I didn’t think I believed in shit like this, but it feels like he was made just for me. Knowing him for two days or two decades wouldn’t matter. He’s meant to be mine.”
“Fuck, Jules.” Molly sniffles and wipes her eyes with a napkin. “I definitely didn’t have cry at Julie’s love confession on my to do list today.”
“It’s not weird.” Emma speaks with conviction. “Like I told Hallie months ago, love and feelings come when they come. And some people are just meant for us. I understand how it would be harder for you to accept it, though. You love spreadsheets and logic and to-do lists and plans. Feelings are chaos.”
I huff out a laugh. “They sure are. But I think I might be getting better at learning to live with a little chaos. I’ll never get rid of my spreadsheets because, spreadsheets, yum. But I think maybe I’m a little more okay with everything not lining up in perfect columns. And actually, there’s something I need to tell you all before I lose my nerve. The actual reason I went on Asher’s road trip.”
“Finally!” Hallie says. “I thought we would have to get you drunk to get it out of you.”
I take a deep breath and tell them everything about the panic attack and Asher finding me on the floor of my office and suggesting the road trip.
“That was my first panic attack, but I’m anxious, like, all the time. I worry about everything and pretend I don’t. And I try and control everything because if I do, then I don’t have to worry about something going wrong. I hate half my clothes because they’re too perfect to sit in. I hate my house because I tried to make it so perfect that I forgot to make it comfortable. And, until Asher, I never even had an actual orgasm I didn’t give myself because I couldn’t relax enough with another person to let it happen. I’m basically a mess, and, well, I just thought you should know.”
There’s a pause, and then Hallie wraps me in a one-armed side hug.
“Thank you for telling us,” Hallie says. “It must have been really exhausting for you to put on that façade all these years. I’m sorry I never noticed when you were having a hard time.”
I take another deep breath, and this time, when I let it out,it feels like I breathe out a weight I’ve been carrying for years. “It really has. But don’t be sorry. There was no way for you to know. I papered over it with color coded spreadsheets and a perfect wardrobe.”
“It’s a relief, you know,” Molly chimes in. “That you’re normal. We’re all kind of a mess, Jules. We all hide it to varying degrees, some better than others. I think it keeps us interesting.”
“And tell us, okay?” Emma reaches across the island and lays a hand over mine. “When you’re struggling. When you need one of us to carry some of your weight. We did it when you went away, and everything was fine. We’re a team in this office, and we’re friends always.”
“I will. I think sometimes it served me. Like, I did really well in law school and was always at the top of my associate class. But, somewhere in there, I got the idea that I had to do everything perfectly, and the whole thing kind of took on a life of its own. But the last two weeks…” I trail off, wondering how I can possibly summarize the last two weeks and do them justice.
“They were kind of a revelation. Asher had a plan, but it changed all the time. We would see a billboard for something ridiculous, and then next thing I knew, we were driving fifty miles out of the way to see a cow made of butter or a giant ball of rubber bands. We played road trip games and ate a million pounds of peppermint Hershey Kisses and gummy candy, and I literally howled at the moon. And after the first day, I barely even thought about work. It was like once I powered down my brain, it was too overworked and exhausted to come back online and it ended up being exactly what I needed. He is exactly what I needed.”
Emma squeezes my hand. “I’m really happy for you, Jules.”
“So, what happens now that you’re back?” Molly asks.
“Now we’re going to be together for real, every day, not just on the road making stops to see giant barbershop poles and theworld’s largest taco. I went to his house when we got back and you’re never going to believe this, but he lives five houses down from my parents.”
Hallie laughs. “That’s a weird coincidence. That’s your favorite street in the city.”
“It is. And his house is amazing. It’s big, but it’s comfortable and happy. You can feel it the second you walk in the door. I loved it.”
“What about the fame thing?” Emma looks concerned when she asks. “I’m sure no one cared who he was on the road, but here he’s, like, the most recognizable face in the city. Maybe it’s not as bad in the offseason, but when pre-season starts this summer, he’ll be back in the spotlight.”
My stomach tightens, thinking of Asher at the stadium, wondering what’s going on and whether he will, in fact, be playing come pre-season. I wish I could talk to my friends about it, but it’s not mine to tell.
“He actually got recognized the second we got off the plane. It was sweet; a little boy asked him to take a picture. After that, there were cameras pointed at us everywhere and he panicked for a second thinking that I would freak and run, but it turns out I actually don’t care about that at all. He’s the same guy whether the cameras are pointed at him or not. So, to prove it, I made out with him in the airport. The pictures are probably all over the internet right now.”
I’ve barely stopped speaking when all three of my friends whip out their phones and start typing madly.
“Holy shit, Jules.” Molly gapes at her screen. “You look amazing, and it looks like that man cankiss.”
“Yes, he is very talented in that area. And…other areas.”
Hallie snorts out a laugh. “I just bet he is. I bet he’s another guy whose mouth could win awards.”
“Yes, he and Ben seem to have that in common,” I say dryly, still icked out I have that information about my twin brother.
“I could use an award-winning mouth on me,” mutters Emma. “It’s been too fucking long.”
Molly slides her a look. “I can think of a certain ex-hockey player who I’m sure would volunteer as tribute. I bet his mouth can do amazing things.”
