“What’s that?” Ben asks.
“The past six months since you and Hallie got together have been…hard for me.”
Ben doesn’t respond, just leans forward a little, watching me, waiting for me to continue. He has always been the best listener I know.
“At the lake last summer, it felt like you two came out of nowhere. And when you told me that your feelings for Hallie were more than a decade old, it shook me hard. It felt like you had kept this massive secret from me when we had never, ever kept secrets before. And I get it, Ben. I really do. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to have such strong feelings for her and not know how all the pieces would shift if you told her. My feelings aren’t exactly rational, but there they are anyway. And after the lake, it all happened so fast. It has always been you and me, or me and Hallie, or the three of us together, but once it was you and Hallie, I didn’t know where I fit. You are building this whole life together, and god, Ben, it’s so beautiful. The two of you are so, so beautiful together.”
I look down at my hands, a little embarrassed by this huge confession, not ready yet to see Ben’s reaction to the next thing I say.
“But sometimes it makes me feel like maybe I don’t fit with you guys anymore. Like maybe I don’t fit anywhere anymore.”
“Jules,” Ben says, his voice soft.
When I finally look up it’s not pity in his eyes, but love and maybe even a little…pride?
“Ben, I want you and Hallie to be happy. So, so happy. You are so important to me, and I love you so damn much. I guess maybe I’ve just been missing you both.”
“I know this wasn’t easy for you to tell me, but I’m glad you did.”
“You are?”
“Of course I am. Jules, it’s been an adjustment for me too.And for Hallie. You think it’s not a little weird for me to tell Hallie something before I tell you? Or for her to do the same? It did happen fast, because it was right, but that doesn’t mean we’re not all still figuring this out. Why do you think we decided not to worry about setting a wedding date for a while?”
I shrug. “I don’t know, I figured Hallie was just busy with her practice and that you’d get around to it eventually, but you should know it’s been making me antsy. I had to restrain myself from setting up wedding spreadsheets for her.”
Ben chuckles. “Don’t you worry, it’s coming. But we decided once we moved in together to just stay in this place for a while and enjoy it. To just be together without worrying about jumping to what comes next. To figure out what our lives look like now that we’re together. And it’s everything I ever wanted. Even better than I could have dreamed of. But Jules, it would be nothing without you. You are our most important person, and you will always have a place with me and a place with Hallie. Always and no matter what. And if Hallie was here, she would tell you the same thing.”
Tears spring to my eyes again. I didn’t know how badly I needed to hear that until the words came out of Ben’s mouth. It’s like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. “I love Hallie, but is it selfish of me to say I’m kind of glad she’s not here right now? I’ve missed spending time with just you.”
“Me too. Let’s try to do more of that, yeah?”
“Definitely.”
“Okay good. So, can I ask about your road trip now? Asher Hansley is in the kitchen literally baking a cake with mom, so I assume it went well.”
I can’t help the smile that spreads over my face. “Yeah Benj, it went well. But that’s kind of the other thing I have to tell you. I wasn’t exactly honest with everyone about the reason I went on the trip.”
Ben smirks at me. “You mean you weren’t honest about the absolutely no reason you gave any of us for why you left town for two weeks with a famous NFL quarterback? I’m extremely shocked.”
I laugh a little. “The real reason is, right before I left with Asher, I had a massive panic attack.”
Ben reaches out and takes one of my hands, saying nothing.
“I made a mistake with one of my clients, and it triggered the panic attack. Asher was at the office meeting with Emma and Jeremy about foundation stuff, and he found me on the floor. I thought I was dying but he talked me down from it. He wanted me to tell you and the girls, but I didn’t want to. So, he told me that if I didn’t come with him on his road trip he would tell you himself.”
“He blackmailed you into getting in a car alone with him for two weeks?” Ben asks darkly.
“Simmer down Ben; your patriarchy is showing. Asher…saw things that no one else has seen. I have anxiety. Bad anxiety, pretty much all the time. I hide it all behind perfection and scary competence, but the truth is, I’m almost always anxious about something, and he saw through me from the very first time I met him at the gala. Him taking me on the trip was his way of getting me away from that part of me for a couple of weeks. And, well, it worked.”
Ben blows out a breath. “I’ll say. I’m not even going to tell you that you could have told me because it was yours to tell, and you don’t owe anyone your feelings. But you look really happy, Jules. Like, happier than I’ve ever seen you before.”
“That’s because I am. It seems weird to say because it’s only been two weeks, but I feel like a completely different person. Like everything has changed.”
“Well, hasn’t it?”
“Christ, no wonder Hallie loves you. You’re one of the ones who sees everything too.”
“Just the people I care about.”
