“I was kidding, sweetheart. Of course we’re doing something next. I want to do all the things with you, all the time. I want to spend every minute of every day of this trip with you, and all the days that come after.”
She takes a deep breath. “Sometimes it feels like peopledon’t. Like maybe I’m…too much. Or not enough? I’ve never been quite sure which. I think maybe if I let people see the mess I actually am, they won’t want me anymore.”
Her voice goes quiet on that last sentence, and I give her hand a squeeze, wanting more connection. Like yesterday at the restaurant, I understand what it takes for her to give me these pieces of herself. The ones she keeps hidden. I want her to know she can give them all to me. That I’ll hold them gently.
“There’s nothing about you that’s too much, and you are exactly enough. I like every single part of you—the ones you’ve shown me and the ones you haven’t yet that I hope you’ll feel safe enough to share with me one day. You’re safe with me, Juliette.”
She goes quiet then, looking down at our tangled hands and then back up at me, and she seems to be considering her words carefully. Finally, she speaks.
“You make me feel safe enough to share. Safer than I’ve ever felt with anyone else, at least.”
My chest tightens at her admission. This feels monumental. Julie has parts of herself she keeps locked away behind high, impenetrable walls. That she feels safe enough with me to let those walls down, even a little bit, is all I want for her. For us. Julie starts chewing on her lip, and I get the sense that she feels uncomfortable with what she put out there, so I tuck this conversation away like a gift to take out and examine later, and I change the subject.
“So, since we’ve established that all my moments belong to you, I have an idea for what we can do with some of them.”
Like I thought she would, she brightens, relieved to put the heaviness away.
“What do you have in mind, Hot Shot?”
“How do you feel about video games?”
“You have to be kidding me!”
Julie cackles as her ball lands in the one-hundred hole again and tickets come shooting out of her machine. After dinner, we drove to an adult arcade in downtown St. Louis. As soon as we walked in, Julie made a beeline for the skee ball machine in the back and proceeded to kick my ass. Multiple times.
“Face it, Ash. Skee ball is just not your game.”
Her shortening my name for the first time does something to me. More accurately, it does something to my dick which, between the nickname and Julie smoking me at skee-ball six times in a row, is now just permanently hard. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s sporting an imprint of my jeans zipper by the end of the night.
“I’m a professional athlete, Juliette. Every game is my game.”
She just laughs again. “I could totally tell that by the way you’ve lost every single game we’ve played tonight.”
“Okay, I think we need a drink break.”
Julie slides me a sly grin. “Do we need a drink break, or are you tired of losing?”
“Juliette, if it makes you smile like that, I would be happy never to win another game we play for the rest of our lives.”
“The rest of our lives, huh?”
“I’m manifesting, baby.”
“Are you ever not cheerful? You’re like a fucking ray of sunshine.”
Unconsciously I roll my shoulder, feeling the familiar dull ache. She’s right that I’m a happy guy, until I feel that ache and think about what it means for my football career. I shove thatthought right out of my head because tonight isn’t about that. Julie’s looking at me in a way that makes me certain she didn’t miss my shoulder roll. Hasn’t missed any of them in the last two days, but she hasn’t said anything. I’m grateful for that. I don’t want to lie to her. I won’t lie to her. But I don’t know how I would tell her the truth either.
“What’s not to be happy about? We’re here together, we’re having fun, there are about to be drinks. It’s a good night.”
She stares at me, as if she’s trying to figure me out. “It’s really that simple for you?”
My stomach sinks a little because no, it’s really not that simple, but I tell her the truest thing I can.
“I hope it can be.”
Then I grab her hand and pull her towards the bar. “Come on Juliette—there are boozy milkshakes and a round of air hockey calling our name.”
“You know I’ll beat you at that too, right?”
