My legs moved without my explicit instruction, and I pushed the cart back to the elevator.
Once inside, I stared at the buttons.
Where was I supposed to go? To do?
“Kid, if you cry, I’m going to take it back.”
Take it back.
Gil’s voice rang in my ears. Were those the last words he said to me?
Take this back.Please.
As I pressed the “2” button,hewas there, if only in memory.
Adair.
“Wanna push the button?”
Flannel. That smile, sharp canine, and chin divot.
My hands squeezed the cool brass of the cart as they started to shake. Or had they already been shaking?
Then the elevator doors opened, and I sniffed everything back, squaring my shoulders. The cart served as a shield as I walked mindlessly, aimlessly, down the hall with it.
I only stopped when I saw it. The bench.
“Deep breath.”
I parked the cart by the bench, sucked in a lungful of recirculated air, and sat heavily on the gleaming wood.
I wouldn’t cry, but I needed to breathe. Breathe and try to remember the safety I’d felt mere hours ago in this exact spot.
Extending my leg in front of me, I pointed my toe and studied the bandages on my knees. My foot fell back to the floor, and I shook my head. It’d all been an illusion, the safety.
Nausea churned inside me. I shot to my feet and hurried to the nearest bathroom and hovered over the toilet while the self-closing door took an eon to actually close me inside. I’d thought I was seconds away from dry heaving, but my body couldn’t even do that. It couldn’t do anything.
Gil.
Liem.
OhGod,Ari.
I didn’t want to cry for them. I wanted toscream.
But most of all, I wanted to hide. To have somewheretohide.
My phone beeped with an alarm, and I squeezed my eyes shut.
Whatever reminder that was, I didn’t want to face it, but maybe I needed it. I leaned against the heavy door, pushed my hair out of my face, and then pulled out my phone.
I didn’t know why I did, but I opened my text thread with Liem and the shitshow of a message I’d sent him last.
Shame and guilt had me sweating again, but with shaky fingers, I texted him the only thing I could.
I am so sorry.
There was nothing I could do for him and no reason for me to offer it.
