“And just now,” I continued, my gaze tracing the three bandages that didn’t seem like enough and then over the contours of his face, “I couldn’t even walk through the crowd without losing my mind. Losingmyself. I’m just…,” I trailed off and had to force a swallow past the lump in my throat again before finishing my thought. Before giving him the truth. Bravery abandoned me as I looked down at our hands instead of at his face when I finally confessed what had been rattling around my mind for a long, long time. What had taken root. “I’m no good.”
Liem’s sharp intake of breath had my eyes shooting up, worried he was in pain. When I saw his distress, I was consumedwith the ironic need to assure him that it wasokay.It was okay that I was messed up. That I, at my core, was nothing.
That I’d accomplished nothing. That for so long, possibly forever, I’d pretended that I was or I could or would besomething.
His eyes held no more sparkle or fireworks, both replaced with a watery sheen. I’d done that to him. I reached out and traced the line of his cheekbone again with my fingertips so slowly that minutes or hours could have passed without my understanding or acknowledgement of them.
But facts were facts.
I went to Bay Hall to look for a job but had shown up in a ratty tank running on fumes afterdaysof little to no sleep.
I’d been primed for some sort of episode, and I’d had one.
Then I’d decided to go back to school, thinking such a mature decision would get me on track. But when I reviewed the classes I’d already completed, it’d painted a mortifying picture. Based on the credits I’d already earned, it truly seemed like I’d posted the college’s course listings on a wall and thrown darts at them to choose which ones to take.
The consequences of that meant that it would take longer to finish a degree than it should.
And then there were the past six months of my life. And Austin.
Stable, reliable Austin, who had big dreams and a plan. The guy who had a set day for laundry and for calling his mother, who, on paper, should have been my perfect counterpoint.
There was nothing really wrong with him.Iwas the issue.
And these feelings? The possessiveness and longing to be near Liem? I wasn’t responsible enough to care for such a gift.
I didn’t deserve it.
Liem cupped his hand over mine where it was tracing his jaw and took a deep, heavy breath as he whispered, “I don’t knowwhat to do or say to make you see that all this—” He paused as he ran his fingertips down the back of my head and tapped the base of my skull. “—all that is happening right now inside here? It’s all alie.”
His dark-brown eyes were so earnest, so intense in their sincerity that it took everything in me to ask what I wanted to know instead of doing something reckless.
“All of it? Is all of it a lie?” I asked, my voice wavering.
Liem’s hand stilled on the back of my neck, and he rubbed circles there with his thumb as he drew in a deep breath. “No. I hope it isn’t.”
My thoughts were scattered to the wind already when his hand on the back of my neck stopped moving before he withdrew completely, pulling away and leaving only cold behind.
I’d never felt anything worse in my life.
Which, as before, I knew wasn’t true. I gazed up at Liem again. The warm glow of the building’s security lights shone on his disheveled, midnight-black hair, the point of his chin, and his brown eyes that were so dark but usually so alight with mischief.
Nothing had ever been so beautiful.
No one was like this. No one was like Liem.
And deep in my soul lay the truth that nothing so precious should ever risk becoming tarnished.
I slid my hands up his thighs all the way to his hips, and my voice was rough and stilted as I asked, “Can I show you some truth?”
Liem’s eyes darkened, and his mouth opened, but no response came from it. My chest ceased expanding until, with a stuttering breath, he nodded.
On the next heartbeat, I had him in my lap.
And then Ibreathed.
I breathed everything that was him.
I imagined.
