I cut myself off becausethosewords didn’t feel true when I spoke them. With that in mind, I examined my inner self again, trying to find the thread of truth again.
“No. That’s not true. I knowexactlywhy I lied about that girl, Ottavia. I lied because I wanted you to like me. I didn’t want you to think I was gross, or creepy, hooking up with this random bar chick before a big game, when Ishould’vebeen sleeping at my hotel. I didn’t want you to think I was this piece of shit, party-boy loser the media made me out to be—because deep down, that’sexactlywhat I was. And I knew you wouldn’t like me if you knew the truth about me.”
I let out a sigh, my head falling against the door with a softthud.
“I was protecting myself by lying to you. And I told myself a harmless little lie like that didn’t matter because you’d never know. And besides, it happened before I’d even met you, so in my mind, I hadn’t done anything wrong. But now? NowI see how wrong that is. And I see how much a stupid lie could hurt someone. Because I remember what you said to me this morning, Ottavia. Do you remember?”
I gave her a chance to reply, but I wasn’t surprised when she didn’t speak.
“You said you’d trust me because I’d never given you any reasonnotto trust me. And now?”
I shook my head, angry at myself.
“Well,now, obviously, I’ve blown it. I broke your trust. And I hate myself for that. So I don’t blame you if you never want to hear from me again. Which wouldsuck,a lot. Because this morning, I really thought we were going to work out, no matter what …”
I sighed, disappointed.
“And now I’m kicking myself because I never even got to tell you how I feel about you, Ottavia.” I took a deep breath and gathered my thoughts. “You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever known. You’re so smart and funny and so talented. And hell, let’s be real, you’re kinda wacky, too—and that’s what drewme to you in the beginning! You know that. You’ve got so much personality and you’re just so much fun to be around, to talk to. I practically spent myentiresummer with you, and not once did I get sick of you. When we were apart? You were all I could think about. I couldn’t wait to be with you again.” I added, chuckling, “Of course, it doesn’t hurt that you’re also incredibly gorgeous and sexy …”
I paused, a grin on my face. I couldn’t see or hear Ottavia, but I could just imagine her rolling her eyes at me.
“But it’s so much more than your looks, obviously,” I continued. “What makes you so special is what’s on the inside. And I know everyone thinks your life is so easy because your family’s rich. Which has to be so aggravating. Because most people wouldn’t last adayin your shoes. They havenoidea how much bullshit you put up with. On the outside? You’re stunning, everyone can see it, it’s obvious. But on the inside? You’re so resilient, so strong. You’re fuckingnails, Ottavia. And I respect you so, so much for that. That’s why you’re such an inspiration to me.”
I let the silence percolate.
“That’s why I’ll never forgive myself for betraying your trust. Because honesty was theonething you wanted from me. I’m truly sorry for that, Ottavia. And I understand if you can’t forgive me. But please know that I never meant to hurt you.”
My throat tightened, and I swallowed hard, gathering my courage for what I had to say next.
“I love you, Ottavia. And I’m sorry. I’ll regret the pain I caused you for the rest of my life.”
Sienna looked distraught, a single tear rolling down her cheek, but Ottavia still said nothing and was nowhere to be found.
Her absence told me my worst fears were confirmed: she was done with me. It was difficult to put into words just how painfulthat was. Losing Ottavia, just when I’d only begun to realize how much she meant to me, was a devastating blow. I knew I’d never be the same after this.
I took a deep breath, trying to compose myself as I backed away from the door. The weight of the moment bore down on me, the finality of it all sinking in. I desperately wished for her to say something, to give me some sign that there was still a glimmer of hope, even though I knew I didn’t deserve it.
“Okay, well—I think I’ve said everything there is to say,” I said, my voice cracking with emotion. “So, I guess this is goodbye.”
I waited one last beat. I’d kill just to hear her saybye,at least.
But still, she said nothing.
And I felt foolish for still standing there.
“So … have a good life?” I mumbled, an embarrassed heat rising to my cheeks.
I turned and walked back to my car, an unbearable sadness crushing my heart. I couldn’t believe it was over—but I had no one but myself to blame.
Sienna yelled after me, “I’ll get your car back to you tomorrow, okay?”
I shrugged. “Whatever … I don’t even care anymore …”
I climbed into my car, the silence around me suffocating, echoing the emptiness I felt inside.
Fuck me,I thought, the Porsche engine growling to life.
30
