CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Marly
The next day,I knelt on the floor with a pillow Jude gave me tucked beneath my bad knees. And I was fully naked in the center of the room. My new set of Ben Wa balls were deep inside my pussy, pressing against my knotted bundle of nerves. With every wiggle, every little movement, they rolled over my g-spot, causing me to gasp. My hands were behind my back, my forehead was against the plush carpet and a blindfold shielded my eyes.
Jude had left a while ago—I had no way of knowing how long. Maybe fifteen minutes? The only thing I had to go on was how my knees ached from being in that position, and the tiny bite at my shoulder joints from keeping my hands tucked at the small of my back.
Finally, the side door from Jude’s room creaked open and heavy footsteps thudded behind me. “Poppy,” Jude said. “You can stand up.” I released my hands, my fingers chilled from the lack of circulation, then pushed to my feet.
Jude’s hands curled on my elbows, guiding me, ensuring my balance.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“We just have one more exercise for the day,” Jude said.
“I don’t know if I can handle any more lessons for today,” I said.
I couldn’t see a thing beyond the black eye mask pressing against my closed eyes. But behind me, Jude stopped walking. Stopped prodding me forward. His grip on my elbow tightened ever so briefly. After a moment’s silence, his gruff voice whispered in my ear, “I think this exercise will be good for you. But if you’d rather wait, and do it another day, then use your safe word.” His lips brushed against the curve of where my neck met my shoulder. “I’ve told you before… use your safe word. Marly. That’s what it’s there for.”
“But sometimes I need to talk through what I’m feeling. I’m not sure if I evenwantto use my safe word yet.”
He let out a jagged breath, and his thumb circled the sensitive skin at my elbow. “On one hand, you are a natural at this. There is some innate part of you that so fundamentally connects to Holly and to being a submissive, that it’s almost reflexive… right?”
My stomach tensed. Goosebumps raced down my arms and I could practically feel them raising against Jude’s flattened palms. I thought of my dad, how ashamed he would be of me, but I couldn’t ignore this side of myself any longer. For years I tried to compensate for it. Buried myself in structure; in organization. My yearly planners were like siblings I never had. One came every year in my Christmas stocking. They played such a pivotal role in my life and in my relationships. They made me feel like I had control, even if it was completely in my head. And in less than a week, Jude had managed to crumble it. “Yes, Sir.”
Tension melted from my shoulders with the admission. “I saw it in you,” Jude said. “That very first day we met, outside of the audition room. I saw it in the way your gaze wouldn’t meet mine. I saw it in the way you dropped your chin, clenched your hands into fists, and the way your cheeks turned an adorable shade of pink. But the real clincher? Was when you saved me from that tour coming through. You saw my discomfort, and you reacted quickly, absorbing the attention for me. That quality, that ability to read me, doesn’t just make you a phenomenal submissive… it makes you a phenomenal partner.”
His words crashed through my body and a sweet jolting sensation shimmied over my flesh. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized how hard I was chewing on the inside of my cheek. His hands gently slid up my arms, then down again, as if his movements could rub away my goosebumps. “But why? Why am I like this?” I asked. It was like there were two versions of myself, and they were so different, yet so similar, that they were like twins.
“Does there need to be a reason? If it feels good, and the relationship is established with trust and consent, then who cares about silly definitions of right and wrong?”
There was such certainty in his words, in his stance, that his confidence punched through to my core. “Right. That little matter of trust you keep talking about,” I said.
“Which brings us back full circle to your safe word,” Jude said. “Because you can be Marlena—who is in control—a Type-A planner-using woman by day, and Poppy—who is submissive—and enjoys unbidden ground-shattering BDSM fun by night. But if you don’t learn to use your safe words, we’ll never get there.” His voice grew louder as he circled in front of me, lacing his fingers into mine. “Surrender yourself to me,” Jude said. “Surrender yourself to the lifestyle. Stop overthinking and relax into who you really are.” He leaned in closer, his minty breath hot as he whispered. “The truth is, even when we’re playing… even though I’m the Dominant…youstill have all the control here. You dictate when we stop. When we go. How far we go. How intense playtime is. And part of the game is I do my best to read your signals so that I can get just to that line without crossing it.That’swhat’s so fun.”
“You make it sound so sexy.”
He lifted my fingers and pressed a kiss to my knuckles with his warm mouth. “It’s the truth.Youare in total control… it just looks like I am. And right now, I don’t see a submissive who can’t handle one more exercise. I see a submissive whose cheeks are flushed, whose lips are wet, whose nipples are hard, and who is using exhaustion as an excuse to back away from the lesson. But if I’m wrong, and you really do need a break, then use your safe word. I think I’m good at reading you, but only you truly know yourself. Using your safe word will never make me disappointed in you. If you use it right this second, I won’t think any less of you. Do you understand?”
“Yes, Sir.” My fears slipped away. There were so many of them, I could hardly keep track anymore. Fear of not seeming strong enough. Fear of intimacy. Fear of trust. But deep inside of me, Jude managed to unravel something. His reassurances stripped me bare. These feelings were no longer my deep, dark secret. Jude had lifted the rock and shined a light on all those dark, ugly things I thought I needed to keep hidden. Not only that, but he saw the beauty in them and helped me see their beauty, too. He put them out there and not only still loved me for them, but was willing to go on the ride with me. “I’m ready to continue the lesson. And I’ll use my safe word if I need to.”
“Okay then. For this exercise… you have to trust me. Trust that I will take care of you.”
I released a long, slow breath and nodded. “Yes, Sir.”
Then we were moving once more. I was aware of every little brush of his hands against my naked flesh. Every little breeze that tickled my goose-pebbled skin. It was so weird to be so exposed on such a regular basis. To be naked, literally and figuratively when Jude stood there, nudging me forward, very much still clothed.
“Reach out your hand,” he said.
I tilted my head, not able to help my smirk. I reached out, expecting to come in contact with a choice body part of Jude’s. Only instead, my hand connected with the front door.
I pressed my fingertips to the smooth, painted wood and shrugged. “Okay,” I said, drawing out the syllables.
“Find the doorknob… and open it.”
His words swam in my murky mind and it felt like I was submerged underwater. I must have heard him wrong. He’d been so clear—sharing was his hard limit. And mine, too. I opened my mouth to object, then in light of our recent conversation, snapped it shut.
This was an exercise in trust. I needed to trust him. Or if it was too much, I needed to use my safe word. So was this too much? Maybe he had arranged something with the club. Had asked that no one exit their rooms for this window of time. Whatever it was, Jude would not betray a hard limit. Ever. I trusted him enough to know this. But he would push the boundaries.
