“Like watching public sex,” I said.
“And being watched,” Jude added. “Are you having second thoughts about that hard limit, too?”
Absolutely not.“No,” I said. “I’m an actress. I crave the spotlight, but… someone watching as I—” My voice cracked and I couldn’t even say it. Instead, I shook my head. “I could never.”
Jude exhaled. Relieved. He was relieved that I hadn’t changed my mind.
“Besides,” I said, “even if I was considering it… there is no dipping your toes in with that. It’s all or nothing. Head first into the deep end and if you regret it…” I shrugged. If you regret it, you’re just screwed. Left with that regret for the rest of your life.
Jude flashed a quick smile. “Not exactly,” he said and walked past me to a door beside the public party room. A light overhead was green and Jude turned the knob, opening the door. The room was smaller than the other room. More narrow. Along the wall was a floor to ceiling window, facing into the public flogging area.
I was silent as we entered. On the other side of the mirror, people applauded. The Dom and sub and Chloe were gone from the stage. Some people in the crowd were dancing. Others were in the corner. Some of the submissives were on their knees, sucking their Masters off.
“In here?” Jude said. “It’s a good place to see if something public would be appealing to you. On the other side of this window, it’s a mirror. You can see them. They can’t see you.”
Excitement tightened in my core. The thought of Jude and me in here, where no one else could see us, but we could see everyone else. It satisfied some chaotic need that was clawing at my core. “Does that excite you?” he asked. “Appeal to some tiny, quiet voyeuristic part of you?” I nodded as my nipples pushed against the silky fabric of the flimsy dress and my blood heated in my veins. I stepped closer to Jude, feeling that same heat fill my cheeks.I want him.
“I figured…” Jude said, his voice tight. Restrained. In some ways, I loved that restraint. It was tight and sexy and then in other ways, I wanted to see him go nuts with wild abandon. The restraint is sexiest because you know the monster lurking beneath the calm. “And I thought…”
“You thought…” I said, stepping in closer and looking up into Jude’s eyes.
“That this was a good place for you to experience Ash.”
Ash. Well, if that wasn’t a bucket of ice water thrown onto my fiery sex drive, I didn’t know what was. “Ash?”
Jude nodded. “You want to feel the difference, right? Between two Dominants? How a sadist paddles versus a Dom more into control, like me?”
Shit. I did ask for that. Under the guise of researching the role. “Right,” I said, quietly. “Will you… um, be here with us?”
“Absolutely not. I’ll be out there,” Jude said, inclining his chin to the room beyond the mirrored window. “I filled Ash in on everything, including your safe words. He also has a spare key to your room, in case you need something.” Jude stepped forward, cupping my jaw and kissed my forehead. “I’ll be right out there if you need me. I trust Ash with my life. He’s the only person outside of Chloe that I would allow anywhere near someone I care about within these walls.”
I swallowed and tears burned the backs of my eyes. Jude didn’t share. He’d made that clear from day one. Granted, we weren’t boyfriend-girlfriend. We weren’t a real Dom/sub partnership. But sometime in the last few days, we’d grown close in an odd limbo state that was neither friends nor boyfriend-girlfriend. And he was sharing me. Because I had asked him to. “You care about me,” I said, looking up at him.
“Of course I do.” He gave me a tight smile.
Was this it? Was this my moment? Panic swept through my body and the jitters were so severe, I could actually feel my knees shaking as I lifted my eyes to his. And there, in the depths of his jade stare, I absorbed his calm stoicism. I fed off of it. He was my Dom; he was there to protect me, care for me, and service me. I was safe with Jude—my body, my emotions… maybe even my heart.
I took a deep breath and stepped forward into his body. For the first time since I got the callback, I felt like I was finding my place in Jude’s wild, chaotic world. And the fact that he was willing to put my needs before his, touched something deep inside me that had been neglected for years. Since even before Jack. I didn’t have to step far before I was pressed against him. My silky dress and his crisp shirt were hardly any barrier for my piercing nipples. “You care about me like… more than a friend?” I blinked, looking up at him through my lashes.
“Marly,” he whispered and dropped his forehead to mine. “I am doing everything in my power to keep this situation professional… or at least as professional as two method actors studying for BDSM roles can be.” Reaching up, he cupped my face, dragging his thumbs over my cheekbones. “This world of dominance and submission and bondage is amazing and eye-opening and bizarre and challenging. Especially when you first enter it. You start to feel all these crazy new intense feelings. And it’s hard to decipher.”
“What if…” I swallowed, gathering courage. “What if it was feeling less and less like acting between us for me?”
He swallowed and I watched carefully, holding my breath. Watched every little line of his face. Every little twitch of his jaw. Every tightened muscle within his neck.
“You’re engaged,” he said, his voice hardening and his hands fell to his sides.
Oh, God. This was it. I had to tell him the truth. The lies were swallowing me—drowning me. And if what I was feeling for Jude was real? He needed to know sooner rather than later. Heat pulsed through my veins, my blood turning to molten lava and my face grew flushed. The nerves were getting to me. My palms were moist and I wiped them on the dress. “What if I wasn’t?” I whispered. “Engaged, I mean.”
He narrowed his eyes. “But you are.” He took another step back. Like I was posing a threat to him. Like I was an encroaching hurricane ready to tear his world apart. Hell, maybe I was. Maybe he should be backing away from me. What kind of hot mess lies publicly about an engagement to her gay best friend? “…Right?”
This was it. He was flat out asking. I opened my mouth to answer, but before I could, Jude turned on his heels, facing the other way. “It wouldn’t matter,” he said. “We’ll be acting in the same film together if you get this role and Silhouette Studios has strict non-fraternization policies.”
“Actors and actresses date all the time. Look at Brad and Angie…”
“Yeah,” he said, interrupting. “Look at how that ended.”
“Will and J—”
