Looking at the pair of them, with Linus perched self-importantly on the chair in between them (still staring at me—why?), I decided that maybe I should try harder. If Stephen couldn’t be bothered to invest more time in me than the occasional booty call, then perhaps it was time for Jdate after all.
CHAPTER 6
THE GIRLS AND Iwere sprawled across my small living room, scrolling on our phones as the credits forThe Bachelorrolled on the TV.
“Maybe instead of Jdate I should go onThe Bachelor,” I mused.
“You don’t really want to go onThe Bachelor.” Amy didn’t bother looking up. “You just want to get it on with Jeremy Coltrain.”
“Hmm, you may have a point.”
Eva nodded thoughtfully. “I don’t even like men, but there’s just something about Jeremy.”
“That southern drawl.” Sumira tossed her head back against the couch cushions. “Sexy as hell.”
I was deep down a Jeremy rabbit hole on my phone. “Did you know Jeremy was a vegan for a full year because of the environment? He wrote a whole Medium article about it. Very interesting statistics. We should all stop eating beef immediately.”
“He truly is the perfect man.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be making your dating profile?” Eva asked.
“Right you are.”
I opened Jdate and got to work. Did I drink? Um… let’s saysocially. Did I want kids? Sure, someday. I’d be acoolmom. Could I insert aMean Girlsmeme into my profile? I spent the next several minutes trying to figure out how to upload a GIF. Finally I acknowledged that I was procrastinating, and I hit publish on my profile. The girls were quiet, save for the occasional low chuckle as they scrolled past something amusing.
Swiping through Seattle’s eligible Jewish bachelors was immediately underwhelming. Some of them seemed sweet and earnest. Many of them were bald. And one of them sent me a message that read, “Hey gorgeous… want to have my Jewish babies?”
I screamed and threw my phone across the room.
“What’s up?” Eva glanced up from her phone.
“There is something wrong with men.”
“Well, yeah.”
“Coming from a lesbian, that is not entirely helpful.”
“Is it Jdate?” Amy and Sumira were giving me their full attention now. “What happened?”
“Let me see.” Sumira darted across the room and picked up my phone.
My three friends huddled together, swiping through the dating app and making various noises of dismay, curiosity, and disgust.
“Ooh, what about this one?” Amy read aloud, “Thirty-two, lives in Seattle, works in a medical lab, loves dogs…” She held out my phone to show me his photo. He was blandly good looking and, it had to be said, not bald.
I let out a low growl.
“What? He seems nice!”
“He seems… abstract.” I folded my arms and leaned back against the couch.
“What does that mean?”
“All these guys, they’re just…” I struggled to find the words.“They’re just pictures and words. There’s nothing real or compelling or, you know.”There’s no whiff of cologne that makes me lose my mind, I added privately.There’s no eye contact or knowing smirks.
“Yeah, that’s kind of how dating apps work. You’ve used Tinder. You know this.” Sumira tilted her head at me, as though I were being difficult on purpose.
“Right.” There was a realization forming that I wasn’t quite comfortable with. “I think it’s Stephen. I know I should take a step back and try meeting some other guys. But I can’t stop wondering why he hasn’t texted me in three days.”
