“It’s for the best,” I said, forcing a swallow. “Selena would be better off if I weren’t here. And I’m not even saying that in a poor excuse at self-pity, so don’t start,” I quickly added as he opened his mouth to argue. “She touts her freedom if you ask, reminding you that she never vowed her life to Thaan. But she’s as much a prisoner as I am while I’m breathing. Thaan didn’t need to chain her blood. I’m her chains. But if anything worries me about leaving, it’s her.” I nestled my chin onto a kneecap. “Selena is smarter than I am. I’m not afraid to admit that. She’s patient, but she has her rash moments, especially when she’s hurt. She’s kind until she’s in pain. Then she aims to kill.”
“I’ve noticed.” He chuckled.
I smiled too, stealing a small bite from my plate. “It would be comforting to know that when I leave, I leave her among those I can trust.” I chewed, but the lump of fish in my mouth felt more like an oily wad, devoid of flavor or texture.
“You know,” he said slowly, “Selena would be welcome in Venusia.”
“I don’t think she’d ever swear her blood to another Naiad.” I stole a glance at him, cast in shadows under the pale moon. His lashes fanned from his eyes like a thick, dark forest, the faint freckles across his nose and cheeks souvenirs of the sun.
“I can’t blame her for that,” Aegir mumbled, that crook in his mouth reappearing. “So. Leihani.”
“Leihani.”
“Ever been?”
“No,” I let myself smile. “Have you?”
“A couple times. Never on the island itself, just in Sidra’s waters. Once with my father when he asked for her help. And once more, just last year, when I becameVidere. It’s a quiet island. You’ll like it if you choose to go. Though the islanders there don’t welcome Naiads.”
My brows flickered, and I tilted my head. “If I choose to.”
Aegir gave me a small shrug. “You don’t have to.”
“Yes, I do. Nothing will ever change if I don’t.”
He bowed his head, drumming his fingers over his thigh. Then leaned toward me, hesitant, as though waiting for me to tell him not to. Until he was close enough that his breath ghosted over my cheeks. The air grew scarce as he mused over my face, close enough to reflect on every pore.
“What are you doing?” I whispered.
“Memorizing.”
My mouth twitched, brushing against his lower lip. “What are you memorizing?”
“The blow of losing someone I care about.” He smiled. “To a human man, no less.”
My gaze locked onto his mouth, hovering just beyond mine. “It doesn’t really matter. I haven’t even met him yet. I don’t know who he is.”
“Wish I knew him,” he murmured. “So I could clot his heart.”
I laughed, though something in my chest tightened. The lump in my throat returned, dry and rough and raw, and I dipped my chin, pulling away. But Aegir caught me gently with his hand, pulling me back. His eyes closed, and instinct was the only force that drove mine to close as well.
My hand fell to his chest as he pressed his lips against mine, silk gathering in my fist, though I wasn’t sure if I was pushing him away or pulling him closer. His mouth was soft and his propulsion slow, a solid weight thrust over my jaw as he slid his grip from my chin to the side of my neck.
I twisted my fingers into his shirt, using it to reel myself in, exploring the slow ignition of fire as it exploded along the edge of my mouth. The rawness in my throat burned alongside it, but it faded in the passing seconds as his opposite hand gathered my hair behind my shoulders, freeing my neck enough that his thumb slid under the lobe of my ear.
Wondered? I suppose that’s fair. I wondered.
I don’t even know why I’d shared any of it with him. Selena, Leihani, my futurecordae. Maybe the sinking knot in my stomach had been molded from something like guilt—not that I’d ever welcomed guilt as a necessary tool to weigh options and emotions. In that case, maybe my confession was strategic; a plea for guilt fromhim, so that he’d help Selena after I’d left.
Maybe secrets were burdens, and I was chasing relief by sharing mine.
Whatever it was, it wasn’t that some part of me had wondered, too.
Not at all.
Not even a little.
30
