“Well, you didn’t have the chance to,” I snapped. “We were both captured.”
“I meant to,” he said, voice tight. The scent of his fear, of hisdesperationengulfed me in a cold, tight cloud. His heart raced as he stared at the floor. “Both times, I meant to. Someone was hiding in the palace, trying to kill my brother, and I thought it was you. And I told myself you wanted me, anyway. That you sought out my presence in the halls and on the grounds. Thatyou lingered when I touched you. That you had arranged our marriage to suit your own nefarious plans, so why shouldn’t I use my own tools to understand who and what you were?”
My back hit the wall, and I struck a blind hand, searching for the door.
“But when I had the chance, I couldn’t. I pretended to find your knife the night of our wedding to give myself a way out. But I was more determined on the beach. Then you reached for me and I froze. I realized I couldn’t—and then suddenly there was a sword at my throat. I should have noticed Kriska, Leihani, but I was too busy panicking inside my head, knowing I was taking something from you. Something that was yours, that I had no right to take. Something that, in my heart, I knew I wanted you to give me freely.”
The doorknob met my palm, and I curled my fingers around it.
Kye swallowed. “I couldn’t take your thoughts and live my life listening to how much you hated me every day. Not when I knew I loved you.”
38
Maren
Istopped.
The world slowed its orbit around the sun. The silence drank in my shallow breath, and all around me, the air seemed to grow dense and deep with the sound of Kye’s words.
“You loved me?”
A thousand miles away, he murmured into the dark. “Yes. Every day. Since I woke up to those big, dark eyes staring at me on the beach while the sunlight caved in around you.”
I listened to the tumble of our lungs. The halting tremor of mine; the slow burst of his. My hand left the door. My feet carried me to the edge I’d vacated, and I lowered myself beside him.
Kye didn’t look at me. Thumb still drumming softly against his knee, he stared at the floor. “That day on the beach. On Neris Island…” He paused to scrape his jaw. “I saw my mother in the water. I’d stepped in, and my own splash pushed my rowboat out of reach. I was so tired. And burnt. And pissed off that the journey hadn’t just killed me.”
My heart gave a squeeze. Beside my hand, Kye’s fist balled.
“I lost my footing and went under. And just… continued to sink. I watched the light from above until my heels pressed into the seabed. Then I let out all my air and opened my lungs to water instead.
“And suddenly my mother was beside me. She didn’t look like she had when she died. Rail thin with sickness, pale and slow, eyes rimmed with shadows. She was beautiful. She took my hand and looked up at the surface, and I knew she wanted me to swim up. But I was so, so fucking tired. She pulled and pushed. Doubled back and sprang against the ocean floor, fighting to haul me up. Then struggled to keep me afloat as she swam to the sand, crossing the Sea of Stars.
“She finally got me there, and when I stepped ashore, I knew I’d made it. Perpetuum. I stood, facing it. Let the sun stroke my skin. I wasn’t burnt. I wasn’t tired. I wasn’t…” He shook his head, searching for a word. “…Hollowwith fucking fear for my future. My mother stood there with me, taking it in. I felt her hand slip into mine. And I realized she was crying.
“She told me I couldn’t stay. That I’d onlythoughtI’d come seeking a way to die. But that I’d realize I’d really been searching for a reason tolive. And that the reason was here, on the very sand on which I stood, on the other side of the stars. She kissed my cheek, and I felt this—force—in my chest. Pounding life into me. And I felt your mouth on mine, calling me back to this world. And I tried to stay. But you latched on and dragged me back to the living.”
Did you come to Leihani on purpose, Kye?
In a way. I’m always looking for something I can’t find at home.
Which one was it, when he’d said those words to me on my tiny veranda over a plate of tuna? Had he still been looking for a way to die?
Or had it been a reason to live?
“Kye,” I whispered. “That wasn’t your mother. I found you under the waves. I pulled you to shore.”
He shook his head. “You don’t understand. It was you. And through you… it was her. I was resentful at first. I’d been so resolute to my fate, and you’d caused me to fail. But I healed up a bit, tried to book passage back to Calder, then was rejected. I could have told them who I was but that ruins all interactions. Leads to things like blushing and bowing and cautious conversation. I was content to wait and found myself roaming the island instead. Foundyou. You were like this exotic bird trapped in a cage. And the islanders were vile to you. To your face and behind your back. They said things that lit fire in my blood. I felt their hostility grow in the weeks I spent there. I knew if I left and came back, I’d find you dead.
“When I pulled back that door flap in Akamai’s house, and I saw you on the other side, scratched and bloodied, I had to fight myself to not go mad with rage. That one of your own people would try to hurt you. Your uncle, the only one who’d never said a word against you, who should have been a man that protected you. I realized he’d been planning it for a while. Letting everyone else spout lies and rumors, calling you names, so that when the time came, he’d appear innocent.
“I sent you to Neris, and then I hid him in my boat until it grew dark. The islanders didn’t notice he was missing for a few hours. But you were missing, too. It could have easily been that something had happened toyou, not Naheso. But none of them wondered. It was your name I heard from their mouths, claiming your guilt. They’d called for a search when I finally left, and I made it look like I was joining. But I rowed to the center of the channel, dumped him in, watched him fall away. And then I went to find you, determined to bring you back to Calder with me.”
My eyes drifted across the dark floor. “But I said no.”
“You said no.”
“And you” —I paused to clear my throat— “you respected that choice.”
