Miss Collins gave a bleak chuckle. “And that made it worse, at least when I was old enough to understand everything. One can only feel guilty for so long, and then one feels … angry about it. And suppresses all the guilt anyway.”
Robert knewhisguilt was deserved, and Miss Collins’s guilt wasn’t, but he understood her better now.
“Blythe,” Audrey began quietly.
“No. I don’t want your sympathy or your understanding. My behavior doesn’t deserve that. I—I don’t even know why I told you all this. It doesn’t change the past. I—I don’t feel particularlyhungry right now.” Gracefully, she rose to her feet without looking at either of them and glided from the room.
Robert turned to Audrey, whose head was bent, her palms flat on either side of her place setting.
“Are you all right?” he asked.
She shrugged. “I never knew how she felt. That confession … it changes so much.”
“You’re lucky, you know.”
Her smile was faint. “I am? Not according to Blythe.”
“I’m not talking about your eyesight. But you have a chance here to make things right with your sister. I would give anything to have that with my brother, dead at fourteen.”
“You were … twelve, were you not, when he died? What would need to be fixed in such a young relationship between brothers?”
“I told you we were competitive in our schoolwork, but that doesn’t truly explain it. My father always expected the best from us, and I’m assuming he made certain our tutor understood this, and perhaps even feared for his position if we were not exemplary in our studies. Father, of course, wanted us to go off to Eton so he could be proud of our superiority. But our tutor took this to heart and chose the worst way possible to increase our studies—he pitted Neil and I against each other in everything, and the one who lost out to the other on even the smallest assignment was punished. Competition turned to anger then to hatred. Even at Eton, we had nothing to do with each other, and I felt like he set his friends on me. Whether that was true, I don’t even know. And I’ll never know. That’s the point. I’ll never be able to relate to Neil as an adult, to love him as a brother should. But you have that chance, and Blythe is obviously struggling with the past and how to make things better, just like you are.”
“You’re very wise, Robert,” she said softly. “I am sorry for your childhood—for both our childhoods.”
“You and Blythe might never have the kind of full respect you want. At least you and I have that for each other.”
She looked confused. “I … yes, I agree.”
“A lot of marriages begin with less than that.”
She frowned. “What are you saying?”
“That I want to make this engagement real. I would like to marry you.”
She laughed, ending it so abruptly she almost snorted.
He smiled, not taking offense. “You think I’m teasing you.”
“And it is quite the joke.”
“I’m not teasing. I would like to marry you. We’ve worked well together these past weeks, and we always have something to talk about. And then there is passion, of course.” He took her hand. “When I’m with you, all I can do is think of kissing you.”
“Robert, stop,” she insisted, pulling her hand away. “The whole point of accepting your help was so that I could live on my own. I am not marrying any man, ever again.”
Or bearing such terrible pain—he could hear those unspoken words, now that he knew the whole truth.
“I know why you’re saying this,” she said, her voice growing sharp. “You pity me, because you think I’m ineffective with my servants.”
“That isn’t true at all. I see how you consider the servants a challenge to be overcome and won. That is your choice.”
“Robert.” She shook her head. “You don’t even realize what you’re saying. You just don’t want Society to know you didn’t marry the blind girl when you’d promised.”
“I don’t care what Society thinks of me.”
“You talked about being lonely—you won’t be that for long. Just wait until the London debutantes discover you’re on the market again. You’ll be swarmed with invitations.”
“Do you think I’m interested in young women fresh from the schoolroom, with no experiences in life? The first thing that goes wrong, they’ll flounder. Whereas you are made of stronger stuff. You’re a survivor, Audrey, and I can’t think of wanting more in a wife.”
