“No. I mean. . .yes.” I wave a hand. “Thank you for coming with us and being so good to him. Just know he’ll be obsessed with you now. I hope you’re prepared.” I pause, trying to say what I want to say. “I haven’t said it, but thank you for. . .everything. You didn’t have to do any of this.”
“You’re welcome,” is all he offers as we watch Ollie climb up the slide backward.
“Swade, wook!” Ollie throws his arms in the air from the top.
“It must be difficult to do this all by yourself.” He adjusts his hat.
I blow out a breath. “I wonder every second how many ways I’m screwing this up. They’ll probably spend their entire adulthood in therapy reliving every mistake and bad decision I ever made.”
“You don’t have any help?” His question is curious and gentle.
I know what he’s asking. He’s asking about Miles, but things with Miles are complicated. He and I are over. Period. They were over long before I could admit it. There’s a time to try to do what’s best for your children, and then there is a time to accept that sticking it out would do far more damage than life apart.
I’m still trying to understand what kind of involvement Miles will have or if he even wants to be a part of their lives. So far, he doesn’t seem to care in the least, and that’s not new. For their sake, I don’t want to lose hope that someday, he’ll be the kind of man I thought he was when I married him.
“Not currently. My mom lives up north near the border, and. . .their dad is about as helpful as a shiny rock.”
Slade grunts.
“He has priorities, and Frankie and Ollie have never been one of them.”
I think about telling him about Miles’s career and that he’ll be moving further away, but at this point, it really doesn’t matter. I have to wait and see if Miles has any plans to consider them in this move. My guess is that it’s only if it benefits him in some way.
“It looks like you’re doing great to me. My mom was a single mom. She didn’t always make the best decisions, but she loved Krissy and me fiercely. She sacrificed every day for us and was one of the strongest women I’ll ever know. They’ll remember that over the mistakes and bad decisions.”
I look at my kids, and my throat tingles, hoping he’s right. “I’ve always wanted for them what I never had, you know?” I blink quickly, knowing there is no room for tears in this.
Ollie zooms over the rickety bridge with his arms out the side, swaying like a plane.
“All you can do is try your best to protect them from the things that hurt in this life. But sometimes, I think maybe we can try too hard.”
I glance up at him as he watches Ollie, taking in his words and wondering if part of them is a reflection. He’s given me tidbits in these last few moments that only confirm the depth inside his big body.
“Sounds like you know a little something about this.” I give Frankie another push. “Krissy told me you raised her after your mom passed.”
He chuckles. “At nineteen, I had no idea what I was getting into, raising a teenage girl.”
“I think you did just fine. Krissy is amazing.”
“She’s. . .something.”
“She’s strong, independent, smart. She didn’t grow into that allon her own, sir.”
He runs a hand over his beard. “Yeah, but I wonder if I focused so hard on trying not to screw up that I forgot to keep living at the same time.”
“Swade, c-c-an you help me?” Ollie stands at the edge of the platform, eyeing the monkey bars.
“Hold on,” he says, leaving me pushing Frankie, whose eyes are beginning to droop.
My mind explodes with a thousand questions from the little bomb of personal insight he just dropped.
I stare at his broad back as he walks toward Ollie, wondering if he realizes what he just gave away. It feels like a giant bone I’m going to gnaw on for a while, because maybe this man feels a little lost like I do.
______
I find an open bottle of red wine in the refrigerator and pour a splash into the pot. I stir the chicken and sauce and place the lid on top.
My phone vibrates on the counter, and I swipe to answer.
