The tightness in my chest eases a little. “When I told my mom Melissa was pregnant, she was so happy.” I can still see her smile as she held my face and told me what an amazing father I’d be, wishing she’d be around to see it.
I take a moment to breathe through the memory, and as if Sarah senses it, her hand spreads flat across my heart. “She was getting a glimpse of what would be after she was gone. It was the only thing I could do to make any part of her dying even a tiny bit less terrifying. She knew we’d be ok.” A giant lump forms in my throat, and I take a moment. “But it never came to be like I’d told her it would. I felt like I’d let her down.”
It’s the truth I’ve never admitted out loud. I felt like I’d lied to her about the one thing that brought her a final moment of joy.
I think about my mom and how she fought to be strong, not wanting Krissy or me to see her fear. She was always like that, never letting us see her struggle. But I heard her soft words at night on the phone with Macavoy and the hushed sound of her cries that followed, shielding us from her pain and disappointment. She sacrificed so that we always had what we needed and worked hard to love us enough for two parents.
“I miss her,” I whisper the hidden truth. “She wasn’t perfect, but she loved Krissy and me.”
I take a deep breath and let it out. “Macavoy used her for so long. I didn’t know until I overheard them when she was pregnant with Krissy. He was angry and told her she’d done it on purpose. I guess she was his receptionist before I was born. I never knew until then, and I didn’t ask questions, hoping I could forget. I hated her for a while, knowing she’d been with him even though he had an entire family.”
Her fingers pinch my shirt. “I spent years thinking about the women Miles had been with and how there was no way they didn’t know I existed. He always told me it was just sex. It didn’t mean anything. For him, that was probably true, even with me.”
I can’t stand to think about her with him.
“But I find it hard to believe that it didn’t mean anything to any of those women. I almost hurt for them.” Her voice is so soft. “They weren’t doing it to cause me pain. They were satisfying a desire with a man they believed wanted them. I’m sure he told them as much, and it’s painful to be rejected, especially when you’re infatuated with the idea of who someone is and what could be.”
I want to see the world the way Sarah does. To have enough insight and reflection to embrace the humanity inside things that cause heartache.
“I couldn’t understand the hold he had over her, and then, it was just easier to hate him. I didn’t want Krissy to see that part of her—the one who loved a man who would always choose someone else over her. I wanted to leave Krissy with all of the good and beautiful things. It’s all I could give her.”
“I think you’ve given her a lot more than that.” Sarah’s fingers draw across my forehead, brushing my hair away.
I close my eyes, wanting it to be true.
“She’s angry and confused, and you have to let her be,” she whispers. “That’s a lot to absorb, and you can’t rush it. She has a lot to grieve, and you need to be there when she’s ready to talk to you or yell at you.”
“I don’t want her to hurt,” I offer quietly.
“I know you were trying to protect me, too.” Her soft words pinch that bruised place in the center of my chest that aches so damn bad it’s all I can do to breathe.
I turn onto my side, facing her. “I was, but. . . I should have let you make that move if you wanted to. I didn’t think. I just acted. Did the one thing I could.”
She curls into my chest, and I slide my arm around her, holding her close. I press my lips to her forehead, and it gives me hope that at least this will be ok.
“Slade, I need you to be in this with me. We have to work through things together.”
“I know. I’m not used to that, but I’m trying.”
“I’m still a little mad. I was so angry at you, and yet I wanted to talk to you at the same time.”
My aching heart stutters, and I pull away to look at her. “You did?”
Her chin lifts, and I can barely make out her eyes.
She nods. “Yeah. You kind of suck. You know that?”
I huff a laugh and pull her back to me. She buries her face in my chest, and I just listen to her breathe.
“Everything is going to be ok,” she whispers.
My throat burns, and I close my eyes. I need that to be true. I have to know that she and the kids aren’t going anywhere and that, at some point, Krissy will forgive me.
Eventually, I feel her relax and listen to her soft, sleepy breaths, willing them to drown out the noise inside me.
I lie there, hoping that if I give Krissy time, she’ll see that it doesn’t matter. She and I are still the same, and I will always be here.
And this, holding Sarah, I never want to be without it again. So, I’ll try my damnedest to do this working together thing, no matter how foreign it is.
