She laughs. “Honey, this is life. Nothing is as simple as we’d like it to be. It’s why I love this tiny trailer and the life I have. I have less to screw up.”
I flop back on my bed, just wanting to live as carefree as my mom, but I know she wasn’t always this way. She had to work for it,and so do I.
“With Slade, you have to decide if one momentary lapse in judgment done with good intentions will keep you from forgiving a man who might screw up again and again but always has your and Ollie and Frankie’s best interest at heart.” I can hear her smile. “I actually think that’s all anyone can ask for.”
I squeeze my eyes shut tight, already knowing the answer. “Mom, I miss you.”
“I miss you, too, so much. I’ll see when I can get down, ok?”
My throat tingles again, and I swallow it down. “Ok.”
We hang up, and I stare into the dark space. Everything my mom said hits all my tender spots.
I have to lay my pride down to no longer be a victim of Miles’s privilege. I need to do it for Ollie and Frankie. It’s my best shot. And maybe, as my mom said, in some small way, it will allow a tiny bit of healing for Slade and Griffin, where I’m certain there is a mountain of pain and resentment.
My mom’s not wrong. I know the kind of man Slade is, even if he hasn’t shared his deep, dark secrets with me.
I couldn’t love Miles. I wanted to, and I tried so hard. But you can’t love someone who’s never understood the meaning of it.
Slade loves big and hard. I’ve seen it in his relationship with Krissy. I heard it in the heartbreak he faced when he lost his mom and what he believed would be his family.
Slade is all quiet, selfless gestures. Nothing he does is for show or personal gain. But talking to Griffin without me felt like he was trying to take control of the situation, and it scared me.
He asked me to go easy on him, and I’ve been trying. The problem is I’ve fallen in love with the big, tattooed, tender-hearted lion. All the way.
But I’m terrified to be with someone who keeps me on the outside and holds me at arm’s length. I want a partner who wants a relationship—one in which we work together. I need someone who doesn’t just allow me to love them but will actually receive it.
Chapter 45
SLADE
“You wanna talk about it?”
I shake my head. “No.” Carson sits in the chair across from my desk.
“Give her time to cool off, but not too much. You were trying to help. She’ll see that once she gets past you going behind her back, which was stupid by the way.”
I groan, letting my head fall back toward the ceiling. It’s the same thing I did all night—stare at the ceiling, praying Sarah would see I was just trying to help.
“Dude, at some point, you’re also going to have to tell her how you feel.”
I slowly pull my head forward and glare at him. “We’re not talking about this.”
He crosses his arms. “Are you going to deny it? No man looks like this,” he waves his hand at me. “Unless he’s sunk.”
I am not discussing my feelings about Sarah. That is for me to know, and I’m still figuring out what to do about it. I’ve tried showing her, and that only got me here—in deep shit.
I screwed up, but I’m navigating unchartered waters. I don’t know how to care for someone this much and not do everything I can to protect them.
“Man, you’ve gotta have a plan. This sitting here feeling sorry for yourself isn’t working for you.”
“I don’t feel sorry for myself,” I spit. “I’m angry. I hurt her, and that’s the last thing I wanted to do. I can’t even blame her. I’d be fucking pissed if she’d done that to me. I acted without thinking, and I don’t do that.”
Carson’s mouth creeps into a smirk. “You just proved my point. We can’t stand it when the ones we love are hurting. You did the only thing you could to stop it. We don’t always think rationally in those situations, so the best you can do now is apologize.”
I have to quit being mad at myself and Sarah for not understanding that I did itforher. She said sometimes there isn’t anything we can do, which might be true, but I’m not good at that. I didn’t ask what she needed or how I could help. I just did what I thought I should. It’s how I’ve operated.
But she’s right. That’s not how it should be in a relationship.
