I shake my head, my eyes and throat consumed with a raging fire. “I used to know who I was. That brave girl you remember, I made her who she was, but . . .” I swallow, needing to wash it all down before the flood bursts through my only remaining reinforcements. “I lost her, her dreams and ideas, and I don’t know if she’s ever coming back. I don’t know what else to do other than. . .this.”
It’s the whole truth. The one I’ve never released out loud, so damn afraid of what it means. That’s what happens when you allow yourself to be consumed by someone else. When they use you and your trust. When they lie and cheat over and over again, you no longer love or trust yourself. You become the person you despise. The person you told yourself you’d never be. And it’s devastating and humiliating.
She sniffs, and I open my eyes as she swipes her cheek—my best friend. “I guess we both have to quit running and hiding from the things that scare us. Maybe it’s time we figure out who we’re gonna be now.”
She holds my gaze a moment longer before turning and descending the steps. I watch her cross the street and climb into her car. I hold my breath to contain the sob that’s on the verge of breaking me.
I swipe my tears away and drop to the top step, needing a minute to ease the burn of her raw words. The ones that only hurt so damn bad because they’re likely filled with truth.
Only a best friend can do that—call us out and force us to face ourselves to give us a chance to be free of all that holds us back from being who they know we truly are. It doesn’t mean it’s less painful. Sometimes, love hurts.
I watch her car disappear down the street, knowing she’s absolutely right but not having any idea what to do about it. I’m trying the best I know how. With Miles, I want to do right by Ollie and Frankie, but I also can’t let him jerk me around. I can’t keep leaving space for him in their life when he hasn’t earned it.
I used to be so sure of everything I wanted and what I was working toward. But now, I wonder if I’m trying to shove old dreams into a life that doesn’t have room for them. Or maybe I’m hiding behind them because I don’t have a clue what life looks like without them giving me direction or purpose. Maybe I’m scared of where I’ll end up with nothing guiding me.
The screen door pushes open and closes behind me, and I swipe my cheeks with my sleeve, drying them quickly.
“You ok?”
I squeeze my eyes shut tight at that soft, low tone, guessing he saw our conversation play out from his chair.
Fan-fucking-tastic.
“Yeah.” I sniff, clearing my nose. “Just the truth really sucks sometimes.”
His boots land on the step below, and he takes a seat beside me. We sit in the silence of the brisk, gentle evening breeze for a few moments.
If I’m going to stop hiding, maybe this occasional, abrasive, blunt grump is the one to test it out on. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to fear him sparing my feelings.
I wipe my nose on my sleeve, curled around my fist for comfort. “Do you ever feel like one of those dogs chasing after the fake rabbit? You’re running as hard as you can, but you might get to the end of the race and find out you’ve been punked?” I feel his gaze drift down to me. “Or worse, you realize you put the dummy out there to begin with, so you only have yourself to blame for all the wasted time and energy and the absolute mess you’re left with.”
“I’ve chased a stuffed bunny or two.” It’s all he says.
He sits quietly, and I drop my head onto my bent knees. “I have no idea what I’m doing or what I’m supposed to do. I think instead of a fake rabbit, I might be chasing my own damn tail.”
“What do you want, Sarah?” His calm, deep voice asks the million-dollar question.
I pull myself up. “That’s just it. I used to know, but now . . .” I stare at the street, needing it to give me direction. “I want to be the woman I used to be.” The words bleed from me, and it’s agonizing to admit it. “The one who knew exactly what she stood for and what she wanted and didn’t give up. I want to be brave and not give a single shit what anyone thinks or if anyone believes I can’t make it.”
“Who doesn’t believe?” His question is soft but skeptical.
“At the moment. . .me.” The truth stabs me square in the chest.
I inhale a deep breath and blow it out. “I’ve always wanted to be a lawyer. I want to help people and make a difference. It was my plan. I did all the right things and was on my way.” I glance at him, deciding not to hide this time, at least not from him. “But I got sidetracked by the wrong guy and made a lot of stupid decisions, sacrificing myself in the process.”
I wipe the tears that won’t quit flowing, “Now, Ollie and Frankie are my life. They’re everything, and I’m terrified I’m screwing up more than I already have. I don’t know how to do both. Be the kind of mom I want to be, keep up with school, and work the hours it would take me to get there.”
He glances at me, and his eyes linger for a second, but I keep my attention on his withered yard. “Is that what you still want?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. I moved here to start over with a job that would help me climb my way back, but. . .I’m not going anywhere. I think I’m stuck in the same damn place. Or what if it was the wrong plan all along, and I just didn’t know it?” I let my head fall back. “I’m a mess,” I whine.
The silence falls around us. When he doesn’t say anything, my temperature spikes along with my desire to melt into a puddle of goo and slide down the steps one by one like a cartoon character.
Finally, he speaks. “Maybe you don’t have to figure it out all by yourself.” His gentle words halt my panic.
I inhale, letting that thought sink in. I’m not used to having anyone to rely on. Miles is Miles and selfish to the core. As a kid, my mom was busy working, and when she wasn’t, she was dating and being the socialite of our small trailer park community.
Even she didn’t understand my need to step outside our town and the routine she lived by. It was freaking lonely, but I did it.
