Page 111 of The Protector


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I wanted to claw out the ache in my belly. I wanted to scream out my frustration. But an emotional outburst like that would get me on the radar of the authorities and call for an evaluation.

At some point, I even considered voluntarily going to a place of reflection. Maybe I needed time to space out and find my inner balance again, but the hope that tomorrow would be better made me go on, thinking that soon Boulder wouldn’t be the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last before I fell asleep.

I wondered how he was doing and if he missed me. I imagined him in his large house, being with his friends, walking the park by the gray mansion, or flying his black hybrid while listening to that awful music he liked so much.

I wondered if he’d grown his beard back and if he wore his favorite leather shirt now that I wasn’t there to object.

“How much weight have you lost?” Kya asked me with a troubled look, three weeks after I’d returned.

“Not sure.”

“Look.” She sank down on my bed next to me. “It’s getting to the point where I’ll have to do something. You’re not eating, you’re not sleeping, you have bags under your eyes, and I haven’t seen you smile for weeks.”

“I know,” I said and sighed.

“You spend most of your time at home in bed. It’s not normal, Cina.” Kya was the only one who insisted on using that nickname for me.

“I’m sorry. It’s just that…”

“You miss him. I know.” We sat quietly for a while, her on the edge of my bed, me against the wall with my legs pulled up and my head drooping on my knees.

“You’ve been crying again,” she said matter-of-factly.

I couldn’t deny it; my eyes were red and puffy.

“What are you gonna do?”

I covered my face with my hands. “You’re not going to like it,” I warned her.

“Will it be worse than seeing my best friend in misery for weeks?” she asked.

“I’m going to request the council to send me back.”

Kya didn’t seem as surprised as I’d expected. She nodded slowly. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“I would rather that you’re happy up there than miserable here,” she said rationally. “You should do it.”

“You mean that?” I felt so much lighter with her approval.

“Yeah.” She bit her lip. “Doesn’t mean I won’t miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too.” We hugged and again I thanked the stars that Kya was my friend.

Fueled by a surge of energy, I sent in my application that same day and started smiling again. Instead of grieving over my loss of Boulder, I was starting to visualize his surprise when I returned to him.

And then doubt filled me. What if I overestimated how he felt about me? He had been cold to me the last day, and I was suddenly questioning our whole relationship.

No, Boulder asked me to stay many times. He wouldn’t have if he didn’t care about me,I reminded myself.But then again, he would have been happy with any woman; he has nothing to compare it to. If he’d had a choice of women, he wouldn’t have picked me.

I started looking at other women, wondering if he would prefer them given the choice. Probably Kya, with her caramel skin color and gorgeous eyes and voluminous hair.

It took a full week before I got my reply. As with the last time, I was asked to come in for a meeting, and I pedaled my bike with great gusto, creating energy for the network and feeling optimistic.

My bags were already packed, and with the approval I could leave tonight.

I meet a clergywoman this time. She was old, wrinkled, and partly deaf, which made me wonder why she hadn’t gotten that fixed. Hearing and vision were easy to fix but some people were just in denial, I guessed.