After a minute, or so, she finally spoke, “When did…when did you find out?”
“I was twelve.” Now it was me taking a long, deep breath. “I was supposed to stay the night at Chance’s, but I had gotten sick. His mother took me home and…and when I had gone looking for him, I had found him in his office, and I had walked in on…on…”
“On what, Gage?”
I wanted to spare her the details, but she deserved a glimpse into how serious it was. “I walked in on him, Dr. Sorensen, and Dr. Bishop doing drugs and having sex with these three random women.” Her face turned red and I wasn’t sure if it was from anger at her husband, embarrassment as the situation, or humiliation at discussing such a thing with her son. “It…it was bad.”
Her words were clipped, and I just prayed it wasn’t me she was pissed at. “That’s why you had such anxiety issues whenever I left town, isn’t it?”
I nodded. “I knew…how he was going to use his free time.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, Gage. But why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“I’m sorry, Mom.” And I really was. “I was young enough to believe him when he manipulated me into thinking that if I told you, it would ruin your happiness. He told me that he needed those other women because he loved and respected you too much to do to you what he did to those women.”
She let out barely-there whimper. “What did he do to those women?”
I shook my head. “You don’t need the details, Mom. Just know that it wasn’t…he wasn’t kind. Those weekends were…violent and ugly.”
Her face paled and her eyes watered. “Oh, Gage…”
“You had no idea and you were always so happy, I bought into his lies and manipulations. I…I didn’t want to be the one who ruined your life. I didn’t want to ruin your happiness,” I continued to confess.
“Oh, Gage, honey,” she cried. “My happiness wasn’t your responsibility, son. You never should have carried that burned. You never should have had to choose between my happiness and yours.”
“Mom,I love you,”I stressed. “I absolutelyadoreyou. Your happiness wasn’t a burden to carry.” I shrugged a should. “Yeah, I’m fucked in the head a bit and…and I don’t have a healthy view of sex, but I’ll always choose you over me.”
Her face softened. “Then why tell me now?”
“Because, while I’ll always choose your happiness over my own, I’ll never choose your happiness over Mystic’s,” I admitted, feeling torn between the only two women in the world that I have ever loved. “I love you, Mom. You’re my mother, for fuck’s sake. But I love Mystic beyond all reason, Mom. You saw what losing her ten years ago did to me. I’m not sure I could survive it a second time.”
Her smile shown through her tears as she said, “And you won’t.”
The rest of the day was spent purging years of resentment and disappointment. I wasn’t sure where her marriage was headed, but, being the great mother that she was, we worked on getting Mystic back once her tears were dried.
Chapter 39
Mystic~
In the end, I’d gone back home.
Rowan had ended up taking me to a little park that led into a hiking trail. We hadn’t gone hiking, but we had stayed in the Lakeside visitor center, where we had eaten, drank, and enjoyed the quiet. It had been like going to a cozy ski cottage without the snow, the skis, or the cottage.
I had told her everything, and I do meaneverything. Even though she already knew I had dated Gage in high school, and that I had been heartbroken about it, she hadn’t known the details. So, after a couple of drinks and a recap of how he had barged in on me and David, to give her a clearer picture of just why I was so confused and screwed-up in the head, I told her everything from the day Gage and I had met at our lockers.
She had been shocked, but she hadn’t turned judgmental. She hadn’t told me to leave him. She hadn’t told me to get help for my intimacy issues. She hadn’t told me I was wrong. Rowan hadn’t said much of anything. She had mostly listened and ordered the drinks when needed.
In the end, she had asked me if his sin of mimicking my parents was bad enough to go the rest of my life without him. She also admitted that she didn’t feel as if I’d ever find another Gage, and not only would I be spending the rest of my life nursing a broken heart if I walked away, but I’ll also never be truly sexually satisfied. And while good sex wasn’t everything, it was still rather important. She hadn’t shied away from the uncomfortable topic of mine and Gage’s sex life, either. She had admitted to not understanding the allure, but she also got turned off if a man’s eyebrows weren’t just so. Rowan chocked it up to different strokes for different folks. As long as I was safe, she didn’t care.
She also pointed out that, while Gage behaved like a jealous prick, I might have overreacted. Old wounds and all. Once I calmed down, I could admit she might have had a point. Yes, Gage was wrong. But wrong enough that forgiveness wasn’t an option? I wasn’t too sure anymore.
One thing was true, though. I was certain I’d never find another Gage Evans. And, yeah, I survived these past ten years without him, but that’s all it had been; surviving. With the exception of Rowan, I hadn’t formed any real connections in all that time. My life was a shell of existence that had all ended with Gage coming back into it. Could I go back to that again? Do I want to? The knock on my door told me my time was up, and I knew, without even having to open the door, that it was Gage.
After I had turned my phone back on, I had deleted all his voicemails and text messages, knowing they didn’t matter. I knew he was going to show up eventually, and so, whatever we had to say could be said face-to-face, not in text messages.
I took a deep breath as I walked over to the door. I still wasn’t entirely sure what I was going to do, but I wasn’t going to ‘vanish’ on Gage again. We both deserved a clean break this time around. No doubt. No ‘what ifs’. Just a clear understanding of forever or the end.
I pulled the door open, and, yep, there he stood, looking just as delicious as always. It really was unfair. How was a girl expected to keep her head rational when all ofthatwas staring her in the face?
