'I love my planner because you can just sort of throw it around without worrying about damaging it. Though to be honest, most of what's in here are work shifts and the occasional note about something I need to remember, which I then forget anyway because I've written it down and my brain assumes that means it's dealt with. I love this planner. I’ve had it such a long time that it feels a bit like an old friend. Sort of a comfort blanket of my life, if you will.'
Her day-to-day planner was indeed mostly work shifts and appointments she couldn't afford to forget. Dentist visits and car MOTs and the sort of administrative obligations that madeup the skeleton of adult life. Not exactly the stuff of fascinating television. Boring, really, but she assumed her viewers might like seeing the nitty-gritty.
'Right, what else have we got? This is my book notebook. I like to read and jot down notes on books I am reading sometimes. If I get recommended a book or I see someone vlog about something good that they have read, it goes in here.'
Darby held the book up to the camera and after going through her lists in it, she opened the pages and then picked up another book, which was a simple ring bound with a black cover she’d got from Waitrose when doing her shopping. 'This is quite exciting. This is for my channel content, which I bought specifically for keeping track of video ideas and content planning, though mainly it just makes me feel guilty about not being more organised about my accidental internet career.'
The channel notebook had been purchased during a burst of enthusiasm when she'd convinced herself that she needed to be more organised about what she uploaded and when. She'd imagined herself filling it with content calendars and strategic planning, mapping out themes and scheduling uploads like someone who actually knew what they were doing. It hadn’t worked, but she still liked pretending to plan in it. She stroked the cover. 'It makes me feel optimistic, you know? I think that is the beauty of a notebook, sometimes.'
'And finally, though I do have many more, but I don’t want to bore you, this is an antique leather Mulberry cover folio thingy as you can see. I’ve had this since before the girls were born. I loved it then and I love it as much now. I just slot in new inserts if and when I need them and I always try to buy the best ones because the paper is just something else.’
Darby held up the Mulberry cover to the camera and pulled the zip around.
'I use this for more important thoughts than the other diary,' she explained, though she didn't elaborate on what constituted more important thoughts versus regular thoughts. 'Well, I say thoughts, but really, they're just action points that I never actually act on. But they're written down in beautiful handwriting in an expensive notebook, so they feel more significant than they probably are.'
The expensive cover was gorgeous. The leather had softened with age and handling and had developed a lovely soft patina. Darby felt as if it were a close confidante. 'It’s beautiful, and sometimes I just like to have it near me. Yes, is that weird? I don’t really care. It smells like the girls, and me and my life.'
Darby chuckled at the fact that she sometimes spent her evenings with a planner and inhaling its scent suggested a level of desperation that was probably not suitable for public consumption. She couldn’t care less.
After concluding the video, she stacked her books up and flicked through to the last few months. Archie this, Archie that. Dinners, walks, coffees, a cinema date, when they’d gone out on his friend's boat. Her diary pages told her they were a thing. Gulp. Darby felt tears threatening, but made them not happen. She wouldn’t cry. Not yet.
39
Darby was in the sitting room. Her laptop was on a pillow propped on her lap, her glasses were on her face, her legs were curled up underneath her and her mood wasn’t a good one. Darby Lovell was melancholy at best; however, she was doing her level best to curb getting low. She was darned if she was going to let anything get the better of her. She’d pulled herself out of the doldrums once already that year and there was no way she was going to let Archie and his spat about the video get under her skin. As far as she was concerned, he could message her and try to work it out, or he could very much not. Big girl pants self-talk was happening and she informed herself that she didn’t give a hoot about him anyway. What did she need him for? Nothing. He and his stupid listed building stuff. Whatever.
No, she would not be beaten. She would continue with her newly found lease on life and her channel. No one would get her down or stop her.I will not be defeated by a man on a video,she chanted in her head.Long live strong women.It wasn’t really true, though. The thing was that inside, Darby didn’t feel that strong, more weak and fairly pathetic. However, she’d told herself she was fine and that she would soldier on. Sometimes, it was a case of having to.
Early that morning, putting all thoughts of Archie and his face aside, she’d taken her phone out, thank you very much, and filmed a lovely vlog on the beach. She’d followed it up with an interior makeover, whereby she filmed herself painting the hallway. Now she had hours of content to go through and edit. Just as she was trawling through audio tracks to add to a part in her video where she was walking on the beach with Lola, her phone buzzed with a video call.
Penny appeared on Darby’s phone. ‘Hey.’
‘How are you feeling?’
‘Yeah, fine.’
‘I know that voice means you’re not. Have you heard from him?’
‘No. I’m not going to hear from him. I told you that he was very dismissive of me in the laneway. It’s put me right off. Actually, I’m not even sure Iwantto hear from him. I mean, that has to be a red flag, right? He was rude, dismissive and totally overreacted.’
‘Liar.’
‘Ha.’
Penny raised her eyebrows to indicate that she knew Darby was bluffing. The look travelled through the screen. ‘Youdowant to hear from him.’
Darby made a face. ‘Well, I’m not sitting here waiting for him to call me, that’s for sure. I’ve got better things to do than mope about some man who can’t handle being seen on a blurry video. Honestly, it’s a bit pathetic. He totally overreacted.’
‘Hmm, I’m with you. It’s not like you posted him shirtless working in your garden or something.’
Darby half-laughed, swirled her wine glass and stared at the ceiling as though it might give her some miraculous insight. ‘That would be funny, actually. Nah, he can please himself. His loss.’
Penny tilted her head. ‘I suppose I can see how he was put out by it. You know some people are really weird about social media. Maybe you should just give him a ring and clear the air.’
Darby snapped a little bit. ‘I already did that! I left a message, but he ignored it. I said sorry when I bumped into him. I’m not humiliating myself by doing it again. Honestly, I’m quite happy on my own. I do not need this or really want it. It came out of the blue, anyway. It’s no loss…’
‘Oh, you want it.’
‘It would be me chasing after him. I’ve been through enough of that in my life, thank you very much. It’s not happening. He knows where I am. Plus, he’s working around the corner. He knows where to find me.’
