‘I know. Anyway, what’s been happening here? Have you had much going on?’ Darby asked.
'It's been quite quiet. We've had some beautiful donations this week, though. Oh, yes, there's a gorgeous coat that came in yesterday, vintage faux fur, probably from the sixties or something.' Anna pointed to a coat hanging on the end of a nearby rack.
Darby shook her head as she took in the fur coat. ‘Oh, right, I don’t think I could ever wear fur, faux or not.’
‘I know. It’s not for me, but it’s very pretty in a way, if you see what I mean. I’m surprised it hasn’t gone yet. It’s elegant somehow, don’t you reckon?’ Anna picked up the hanger the coat was on and held it up. ‘The zip is hidden and I don’t know, it’s nice. I thought it would have walked out the door by now. You never can tell.’
Darby raised her eyebrows. The coat looked as if it belonged in black and white photographs, worn by women who smoked cigarettes in long holders and said witty things at cocktail parties. The rich brown fur looked soft and luxurious, but made Darby grimace a little bit at the thought of putting it on. With a dramatic collar, it screamed old-money quiet wealth and all that came with it. ‘It’s very glam.’
Anna took the coat off the hanger. ‘Try it on. It’s gorgeous. You’re tiny. It will fit you. There’s a matching Cossack hat, too. I think that’s what it’s called. It has ear flaps and everything. Actually, come to think of it, you could put that on in your house and it would do a great job of keeping you warm.’
Darby looked debatable. ‘No, no, I’m good. I won’t try it on, thanks.’
‘You have to try it on, Darbs.’ Anna grabbed the matching Cossack-style hat from a shelf on top of the rack and passed it in Darby’s direction.
Darby chuckled, took the gigantic hat and popped it on her head. The flaps were enormous and she held her hands up on either side of her head and made a funny face. Anna laughed, held up the coat and before she knew what she was doing, Darby had pushed her arms into the sleeves. Shrugging as Anna coaxed the coat over her arms, both of them chuckled. As Darby looked down in fits of laughter, Anna zipped up the coat with a flourish and they both laughed as Darby stood in front of the mirror with her arms hanging down beside her. The coat was tiny. It had been designed for someone with narrow shoulders and no chest and looked and felt a bit like a straitjacket. The sleeves refused to allow her arms to bend at natural angles.
Darby, although unable to easily bend her arms, held her phone up, took a picture, and laughed. ‘Slightly more fitted than I anticipated.'
‘You look hilarious! How funny. I didn’t realise it was this small!’
Suddenly feeling quite ridiculous, a little bit grubby and very hot at the same time, Darby gripped the zipper at the top and attempted to pull it down, which was where her problems began. The zip stayed exactly where it was at the top of her chest. As she tugged, Anna frowned and despite Darby wiggling it, it jammed more firmly in place. Wincing, she squeezed her eyes shut for a second. ‘You’ve got to be kidding me. It’s stuck! Oh my goodness, I’m trapped in a sixty-year-old faux fur coat. What the heck?’
Anna took a couple of steps and tried tugging the zip, but to no avail. Darby twisted and writhed, tried to work her arms free from the sleeves and sucked her stomach in in an attempt to loosen the strain on the zip. Looking like some sort of yeti, her cheeks were getting hotter and hotter and she gave up andstayed still. With her arms limply at her side, standing in front of Anna and still with the large hat on her head, Anna slid her glasses from the top of her head to her nose, examined the zip further and tutted. ‘Yup, that’s stuck alright. Vintage construction methods, I think, are what we’ll blame. It looks like the zipper is slightly out of line or just jammed.'
With Anna having no luck, Darby attempted another escape manoeuvre, which involved a sort of backwards, downwards shimmy, which didn’t work either.
Anna made a face. ‘We’re going to have to cut you out of it. What a shame to have to ruin it. Oh, well…’
Darby, getting hotter and more frustrated by the second, couldn’t have cared less about cutting the coat. She just wanted to get the blooming thing off. ‘It’s a shame, but how else am I going to get this thing off?’
‘It seems such a waste to cut it after it’s survived all these years. It’s vintage and everything. I think there’s pressure on the zip, which is why it’s not coming down. How about you lie down on the floor and try to wriggle yourself out of it?’
Darby pulled a face and did not look convinced. ‘Seriously? What, you think I should lie down?’
Anna nodded and looked around. ‘There’s not a soul about. I think it would work. If you can’t wriggle out of it, I can get my hand up and get the zipper down that way.’
Darby just wanted to be cut out of the thing, but she didn’t like to say. ‘Right.’
Anna shook her head and laughed. ‘Well, this is a first. Darby, it appears that you have taken up permanent residence in a fur coat. Lie down.’
Darby did as instructed, first getting down on all fours and then lying flat on her back on the carpet. She was not happy and what followed was not pretty. It may have been the most undignified five minutes of her adult life. As Anna pulled, tuggedand yanked on the zipper, Darby stared at the ceiling, wishing Anna would just give up and cut the blooming thing. With Anna having no luck, Darby attempted to wriggle her arms out and ease herself out of the neck. That didn’t work either and as she felt more and more desperate, Darby could feel sweat on her neck and her cheeks getting hotter and hotter. ‘Okay, Plan B, please. You’re going to need to cut me out of this.’
Just as Anna was kneeling beside her, having one last-ditch attempt, holding the top of the neck in her left hand and yanking with her right, the doorbell jangled and a man walked in. Both Anna and Darby looked at the door. The man’s face was a picture. He stood in the doorway for a second, took in the scene before him, squinted and made a face. Darby, flat on her back on the floor in a vintage fur coat, looked him up and down. Nice jeans, white shirt, jumper, good hair. The man who had come in to help her when the fire alarm had been going off. From her horizontal position, he looked even better than he had before, if that was at all possible.
Anna exclaimed. 'Archie! Perfect timing. We've got a bit of a situation here as you might be able to tell.'
Archie stepped fully into the shop and closed the door behind him, taking in the sight of Darby flat on her back on the floor. 'What in the name of God are you doing? I can’t for the life of me work it out.'
Anna clambered up and put her hands on her hips. 'This is Darby, and she's trapped in a 1960s coat. It looks like we’re going to have to cut her out of it. We might need to call the fire brigade.'
‘We’ve met.’
Darby attempted to prop herself up on her elbows, but couldn’t because her arms were essentially pinned to her sides by the sleeves. One of the enormous ear flaps slid sideways across her face. ‘I am officially stuck.’
Anna shook her head. ‘This isn’t funny now.’
It was more than obvious that Archie thought it was funny. 'Not at all. One of your customers is flat on her back in a Russian hat and trapped in a fur coat. I bet you see this thing every day of the week, do you not?’
