‘I know. But I still wasn’t sure because they’d expired. So then I did another one, and it was the same result.’
‘I can’t believe it!’
‘I know, but three of them must be correct. Then there’s the exhaustion. It all makes sense.’
‘I thought the tiredness was because of the flu. Remember, we even wondered if it was some sort of new strain of Covid because of the tiredness?’ Robby wondered.
‘I know. People say that they’ve been tired for like six months or so with Covid, but now this adds up.’
Robby frowned. ‘But what about all the other things we read about, like being sick in the morning and all that stuff?’
‘Yeah, nothing so far. Not to say that won’t happen.’
Robby hugged Nina tighter than he ever had. ‘I can’t believe it, it’s amazing. I’m so happy.’
‘I know, I am too. I’m a bit shocked.’
‘This is the best, best, best! Thank you, Neens. I love you so much.’
‘I love you, too.’
35
It was a good few months or so later. Nina got off the train, wondering why on earth she was going to her old flat. It had been at the back of her head since she’d found out she was pregnant. The flat had been playing on her mind because it had been sitting there empty, apart from a brief stint when someone had stayed in it, since the day she’d gone to Lovely Bay. She’d kept saying to herself that she needed to do something about it but had just left it on the back burner. It had been adamantly lodged in the 'too hard' bucket for a long time. It was wrapped up in a jumble of emotions she still had about Andrew, her grief, and an old life that was no longer to be.
As she felt the juddering rumble of the train through the seat, she felt a little bit as if she was on a strange, secret mission. She hadn’t told Robby that she was going back to the old flat, nor Sophie, her mum, Nancy or anyone at all. The reason being that it was something she simply wanted to keep to herself. A little bit private. Since becoming pregnant, and now that she was very much beginning to show, she’d had a strange calling. As if somehow she wanted to be close to Andrew. Part of her had to wonder why. All of it felt a bit strange and odd, so she’d kept it to herself.
After she’d spent a long time thinking about it, she’d realised why. Having a family had always been a Nina and Andrew thing. In the early days, they’d spoken about it, thought about it, planned it, and schemed it. Now, here she was forging on without him. He was long gone and that made her sad. She was so full of emotion about it that she’d had a continuous pull to go back to the flat. And so here she was on her way there to see how it would make her feel.
Getting off the train, Nina took the steps down to the underground, sat thinking about Andrew whilst deep under London, and blinked at the light as she emerged back onto the street. It was a beautiful day in London, with a clear blue sky, lots of people out and about, and the best of the city doing its thing. She walked past the newsagent and was surprised to see the coffee shop on the corner, where she used to get her coffee, was still there. Its presence like a friendly nod to her past and the life she used to live.
Taking her time to stroll along the road once she was at the building, she stopped and looked from the pavement up to the window of her flat. She wondered whether or not her neighbour Mrs Gilbert was in. She hadn't spoken to her the last few times she’d been back. She felt a bit mean, but she didn’t really have the energy to deal with Mrs Gilbert, especially when she was so full of emotion.
After letting herself in the main door, she took the stairs and as she got closer to the door, she felt a strange, no longer true feeling that she was home when she totally wasn’t. Lovely Bay was now her home. Robby was her home. This old place was no longer her home. This was home with Andrew, but even though she could almost feel his presence in the air, he was now very much part of an old life.
The old Nina was, too. Pregnant Nina wasn’t in the same place she’d been in when she’d lived alone in the flat. Then she’dwaded in a thick glut of wondering how she was ever going to feel better, how she was going to carry on with her life. Now she’d done precisely that. Now, she had a new husband and was about to start a family. She wondered what Andrew would think about her being pregnant. She felt tears in the corners of her eyes and her stomach tightened as she slipped her shoes off by the step and made her way up.
Once at the top of the stairs, she laughed to herself, recalling the time she’d crawled in through the double under eaves doors. She’d found her wedding dress and paraphernalia from her wedding to Andrew, tried on the wedding dress, loved it and wore it a second time to marry Robby. It had been one of her better decisions in life.
As she looked around at the flat, she put her hand on her bump and smiled. She could still smell Andrew. He was all around her. She smiled as she thought about him. No longer filled with sadness and grief, now fond happy memories where the Andrew and Nina story was a happy part of her life. But, just the same as had happened when she’d been about to marry Robby, getting pregnant had zoomed her back to a different place.
She ran with it as she walked around the flat, strolled into the kitchen, took a half-pint of milk out of her bag, put it on the side, flicked on the kettle, and made herself a pot of tea. A few minutes later, after taking out Andrew’s favourite mug and pouring her tea, she was standing in her old bedroom with the tea in her hands, looking at the bed.
She’d told herself that the job for the day, and the reason for visiting the flat, was to clear out the wardrobes and start to put a line in the sand about what was going to happen to the property. She’d reached the point where she’d entertained the idea of renting it out, but she wasn't sure whether or not it was a goodidea. Was she ready to move on that much? She’d thought she’d start by moving some of her things down to Lovely Bay.
As time had gone on and as the grief had no longer felt as bad she’d, in a strange way, wanted to move her old things so that Andrew could be with her. She wanted the memories of Nina and Andrew and their life with her in Lovely Bay, rather than shoved into the loft of a flat in what was her old life in London. At any rate, though she was a jumble of thoughts about it, to her it made sense.
Now she was in the bedroom looking at the task at hand, she was, however, overwhelmed by loads and loads of doubt. She shook her head as she thought about clearing out the flat to its bare bones and someone else living in the place where she’d grieved. Before she knew what she was doing, she’d opened Andrew’s wardrobe, pushed back the hangers full of his clothes, made a space, and, chuckling to herself, had stepped in.
Surrounded by Andrew’s clothes and belongings, she stood facing out towards the bedroom, sipping her tea and shedding tears. Long lines of warm tears ran down her cheeks. Her nose tingled, and her throat felt tight. She laughed to herself as she stood still, blubbing away, thinking that Andrew would have thought she was as mad as a hatter. Perhaps she was.
For some reason standing in the wardrobe made her feel better about everything. Standing there, inhaling and feeling Andrew's clothes around her, she felt as if she’d gone back in time. He was beside her just as he always had been. So kind and jolly. Beaming. Happy for her.
Feeling as if she was perhaps losing the plot, she heard herself speaking.
‘Hey. How are you, Andrew? How have you been? It’s been a while. I’m back.’
Yeah, I’m good, thanks,Nina answered imaginatively in her head as if conversing with him.
