“What if it is now?”
“Devon, think logically. You don’t have the same things to fall back on if this all goes wrong. Carl’s an only child of wealthy parents, and you’re…well, Mom and Dad can’t afford to save you if you get out there and it doesn’t work out.”
Devon dragged his hand through his hair before peeking back through the patio door window to see that, yes, Carl was still asleep on the sofa. He’d fallen asleep while playing his guitar, and Devon had had to slip it from his hands, help lay Carl down, and place the guitar in a safe place across the room. He’d been so tired. Sex weekends were exhausting. No doubt about it. “Look, I hear what you’re saying. I’m just—”
“Being kind to him. Helping him before he leaves. That was all you agreed to, and that’s all you’re supposed to be doing. Don’t get carried away.”
“I’m not getting carried away.” Devon cleared his throat, embarrassment welling up at the lie, because of course he was getting carried away. He was swept off his feet. He was falling headfirst. He didn’t want it to end. “Carl is so… It’s just that he’s… And well, I…” How did he explain this? He better figure it out, because talking with Hope about it was going to be so much easier than telling his parents. “He’s amazing, and I think I could fall in love with him.”
Hope let out a soft, sympathetic sound and heat rose in Devon’s cheeks. Why was she making it out like he was being a fool? “Devon, please listen to yourself. You’ve never cared about Carl at all until this weekend. I had to beg you to do this for him, remember?”
“I was stupid.”
“You were. But you don’t have to continue that trend now.”
“That’s the thing! I want to continue this trend!” Doing what Carl wanted him to do was thrilling, exciting, wonderous. He didn’t want to stop.
“I’m really worried that your dick has taken over for your brain.”
“Maybe,” Devon agreed. “But why not see if it knows what it’s doing?”
“Because dicks never know what they’re doing. Dicks are dumb.”
“So caring about Carl is dumb?”
“Noooo,” Hope moaned through the phone. “You’re being so irritating. Of course not. But all this dreamy stuff about traveling across the country, and living together in L.A., and getting a job on a cruise ship, or whatever. I mean, I love Carl. Don’t get me wrong. But he’s a romantic. And that’s just how he is. But you? You’re not like him and never have been. You’re just regular old Devon.”
“Carl doesn’t see me that way.”
“That’s because Carl’s in love with you,” Hope said with a huff of exasperation. “And he has been for, like, forever. But that doesn’t mean you’re in love with him, or that you’re the right guy for him long term,orthat you can just drop out of school and go to L.A. with him and say fuck real life.”
“That could become my real life,” Devon argued.
“No, because you’re just Devon. He’s Carl! He’s Carl Fucking Pink, of Pinky and the One Eyes, and he’s like some kind of, I don’t know, magical gremlin or something. Everything, and I do meaneverythingalways goes his way. But our lives aren’t like that. Your life isn’t.”
“It is like that.”
“What goes your way, Devon? Tell me.”
“This? With him?”
“No, listen to me. I’m not trying to be mean, but think about it. Getting you to fuck him was, again, things goinghisway. Long-term, though, who’s to say if you being in his life, being his boyfriend or whatever, is going to be what he wants.”
“You said he’s been in love with me for years, so he’s not that changeable. Is he?” Devon hated that he even had to ask. A coldness fell over him. Hope did know Carl a lot better than he did.
“Changeable? Not really. But that’s not the point. He’s Carl, and you’re…” She hesitated. “You’re a normal human. A great guy, a wonderful brother, but just a typical human being.”
“So is Carl! He isn’t perfect. He stutters!”
“No kidding? I mean, that’s not a secret. Do you have a problem with it?” Her tone had gone sharp with protectiveness.
“No! Of course not. Why would I?”
Silence reigned for a moment, before Hope spoke with a gentle kindness that burrowed into Devon’s skin, into his heart. “He used to try to talkmeinto going with him, you know. It was going to be the two of us against the world. The two of us on a cruise ship. The two of us busking in France.”
Devon swallowed around a new tightness in his throat. “You? Busking? You can’t play an instrument.”
“The flute, actually, if you recall.”
