“No, I’m serious,” he said, lifting his head and speaking the truth for once. “You wouldn’t have spent those first years with Dad then. You’d have gone to school and gotten a degree. Had a career. And, if not for me, later when he came back, he’d have had no way to get back in with you. No reason to ask you to let him back into your life without me as his pawn.”
“RJ, I love you,” his mom said, tears slipping over her cheeks. “Please, stop saying this… Just stop.”
“I’m only saying I wouldn’t blame you if you ever wished you’d ended it before it began.”
“Abort you? I don’t wish that,” she choked out. “I certainly don’t blame any woman for making that choice, but itisa choice. And I chose to keep you. I look at you here with me right now, and I can’t imagine my world without you in it.” She wiped at her eyes. “I know you don’t see it that way. To you, I was never home, and we never had money, and when your father came back with all those sky-high promises, I fell for it and I let him hurt you—”
“He never laid a finger on me,” RJ spit out.
“I know. He laid fingers on me. Fists.”
They stared at each other. She’d never admitted that out loud. RJ had guessed it, had thought maybe, and had sometimes seen bruises, but there were always excuses. His father had been a piece of shit in enough other ways that adding physical abuse to the list hadn’t been necessary to hate him. Not really. But now that he knew—
“I’m so sorry, Mama. I would have stopped him if I’d known.”
“And that’s why I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want him turning it on you. When he left again, it was the such huge fucking relief.” She gusted a sigh. “I only wish I had been able to get therapy for you back then.” She tilted her head. “Do you want to go now? To therapy? Doug could—”
“No, Mama. I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine!” She flung her arms wide. “You fly all over the world, trailing after bands, and you barely call home, and you don’t text or write, and you don’t know how to love, and—”
“I know how to love, Mama,” he whispered. “I don’t trust it to last. It’s different.”
“It’s not!”
“It is.”
She blew her hair out of her face. “Oh, for fuck’s sake, RJ, we aren’t children. Let’s not be ridiculous here. Love is trust. Don’t you get it?” She reached out and grabbed his hand, squeezing hard. “Loveistrust.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Can you comeover?
That was all the text said, but it was all RJ needed. He’d practiced with the Old Skool Millennials at Joel and Casey’s place after his long talk with his mom had finally ended with her sobbing in his arms and him crying a little too. They’d said a lot of scary things to each other, but they’d made it through. It was more than he’d expected when the conversation had started, but a pretty big dent had been made in the mountain of things kept unsaid for far too long.
The band had added a few more songs to their repertoire for the shows this week, so he was able to get his mind off things during the rehearsal itself. But no sooner had he climbed back into the SUV than his mind had gone racing back to Aaron, and then ping-ponged around the conversation with his mom.
The text was perfect timing.
Yes. I’m on my way.
That was all he sent back, but it said more than maybe even Aaron knew.Yes, I’ll drop everything to come to you.Because he was in love.
And he knew from experience how precious and fleeting that feeling was, so he’d indulge it while it lasted. He’d do anything for Aaron right now. One day in the future, probably before he even left for his next tour, they’d fight, or figure out each other’s flaws, and the shine would wear off. They’d part ways, hopefully amicably, but maybe not, and so it would go. But for now, he would indulge his lover’s whims, and happily.
Besides, going home felt too awkward right now. After everything he’d admitted to his mother, and she’d admitted to him, a little space would be good for them. And absolutely no space at all would be perfect with Aaron. They could lose themselves in all the sweaty, cummy potential of their bodies. Zero space between them.
But when he arrived at Aaron’s apartment, any ideas he might have had about sex flew out the window. Aaron opened the door wearing a pair of soft sweatpants that hung off his narrow hips, a worn-out T-shirt with a stretched collar exposing the line of his neck, and the saddest pair of eyes RJ had seen in a long time. Sadder even than his mother’s during their difficult talk. There was a deep hopelessness in Aaron’s gaze that had been absent from his mom’s, a lack of fire.
“What’s wrong?” RJ asked, taking off his leather jacket and hanging it up on the rack beside the door before following Aaron into the living room.
The silver tree still sparkled, but the colored lights weren’t turned on, and it looked a little dimmer than it should. Like Aaron.
“Something happen at school today? Your mom?”
Aaron patted the couch beside him, and RJ took the spot. He took hold of the back of Aaron’s neck to drag him into what looked like a very necessary hug. But Aaron dislodged his hand, pulling it between his own to hold in his lap. One knee up on the sofa, and the other bare foot on the floor in a half cross-legged position, Aaron stared quietly down at their joined hands.
“Your stepbrother is a student of mine.”
