There was still nothing. Neil checked all messages—text, email, and digi-center—and there was nothing from Joshua. He cursed himself for having told Joshua to leave him alone the day before, suddenly worried that Joshua would do just that. He’d meant it at the time, mainly because he’d been shot through with intense adrenaline and felt like he was going to burst out of his skin. Now, though, he thought he’d burst out of it if Joshuadidn’tcall.
He considered calling Alice, but it would worry her if he called two days in a row. He considered calling Joshua—he’d never done that since the funding was approved, actually. He’d never had to. But it occurred to him that he had Joshua’s number; he could invent a reason. He could say that he wanted to get Joshua’s approval before moving forward with the decompression work, or, if he could figure out the code for the acceleration rate, he could claim that he was ‘reporting back’ to Joshua regarding that resolution.
He rubbed the bridge of his nose and shook his head hard, trying to get his mind back in the game, but it was no use.
Neil shut down all the applications and hung up his lab coat. There was always lunch at the apartment, and if he got there before Derek left for his afternoon class—or whatever it was he did at that time of the day—he could take some solace in Derek’s ass, too.
It was weird, though. Since Joshua had started calling regularly, fucking Derek wasn’t as good as it had been. Neil had started feeling a weird guilt about it, like he was betraying Joshua in some way. He forced himself to shake it off because it was ridiculous, and fucking was one of the few real pleasures of his life. And yet the orgasms didn’t seem to pay attention to his justifications. His cock just spit out his spunk with less satisfaction than he’d ever known before. It was annoying.
Regardless, Neil was too tired, anxious, and hungry to get any more work done. He decided to head home. Maybe, if nothing else, he could manage to nap.
Chapter Eighteen
Atlanta was broadand big compared to Scottsville, but with skinny little roads that people seemed to travel down recklessly with little concern for traffic rules. Joshua felt lucky to have escaped an untimely death as his rental autocar pulled into the parking lot in front of the student apartment building.
Adair had given him Neil Green’s address on Emory University’s campus. Joshua had decided to start there, despite a nagging part of him that insisted that it would be more appropriate to go to the building housing Neil’s office and labs, or to at least phone ahead. But another part of Joshua was curious about how Neil lived and wanted to see something more intimate than he’d get from what was essentially Dr. Green’s office space. And besides, if he called Neil first, then he’d miss the element of surprise and only see what Dr. Green wanted him to see. That wasn’t what Joshua was after at all.
Joshua walked up the set of outside stairs, noting the apartment numbers as he went. He untucked his shirt, undoing a few buttons at the top, and wiped a hand over his forehead. It was hot in Atlanta, even though it was November. Almost eighty degrees. Joshua wished he’d worn a short-sleeve shirt instead of his usual business button-up, but he hadn’t anticipated this kind of weather in the middle of autumn.
Besides, he’d wanted to appear…he wasn’t sure. He’d told himself that he wanted to look professional, and that still held true, but he also wanted to remind himself of the power dynamic between them. With all of the outrageous thoughts Joshua had been having, the hopes, and the unreasonable speculation, Joshua felt like he could easily be overpowered if he wasn’t careful to keep in mind that he was the older person and the one with the money. He repeated a mantra under his breath as he reached the top of the steps.You hold all the cards.He ignored how that felt like a lie.
Joshua stood in front of Neil’s apartment and took a long breath of strangely muggy air, pulling it through his sinuses and trying to get a good grip. He reminded himself that no matter what this Neil said, no matter what he looked like, or what he did, he was just a kid, not a ghost. It seemed less true than ever, though, and he turned his back from the door, saying under his breath, “Come on, Joshua. Be tough. You can do this. Be strong.”
The door opened, and he swung around, not really prepared to see Neil but expecting it all the same. Only, it wasn’t Neil at all. It was a young guy about Neil’s age with dark hair, a sleepy smile, and big bag of trash. The same guy from the video in the coffee shop.
“Oh, uh, hey,” he said to Joshua, looking around outside the door like there might be someone else to explain who Joshua was and why he was there.
“Hi,” Joshua began, sticking his hands in his pockets and looking past the guy into the apartment. “I’m looking for Neil?”
“Oh, Neil, yeah…um, he’s at the lab. Didn’t come home last night. Do you…I mean, can I help? Or do you wanna come back later?”
Joshua looked around, there had been rain earlier and steam came up in waves from the black asphalt in the parking lot below. “Could I maybe wait for him here? It’s an awfully hot day to wait in my car.” The kid looked apprehensive, so Joshua went on, “Or should I go to the lab? Meet up with him there?”
The guy stepped aside and pushed the bag of trash back into the apartment. He waved with a hand. “Naw, come on in. He’ll be back soon, I bet. He’ll be hungry, and they aren’t allowed to keep food in the lab.”
Joshua stepped in, looking around, as the guy continued to talk. “They’ve had some big breakthroughs lately,” he was saying. “Neil’s been staying all night at the lab a lot.” The kid gestured to the room and said, “Make yourself comfortable. It’s all clean, I promise. Neil makes me vacuum every day.”
Despite the kid’s insistence that the place was clean, it looked like a typical student abode. There were pizza boxes with the crusts still inside strewn about and some empty soda cans. The guy shoved a longish strand of dyed black hair out of his eyes and said, “So, want a Coke while you wait?”
Joshua smiled politely and asked for water instead.
“Sure, no problem. I’m Derek by the way.” He turned to the kitchen—which did, Joshua had to admit, look pretty clean for a college kid’s place.
Handing the drink over, Derek frowned. “So, I can’t promise that Neil will be back. I mean, he should be, but…he’s in and out. You should text him or call. I used to know his schedule pretty well, but he’s been really busy lately. I don’t see him as much.”
“The best kind of roommate, right?” Joshua said, trying to relate, but he felt old standing in this apartment with a scrawny little kid gawking at him from underneath his stupid statement hair.
“Nah, I wish he was around more,” Derek said. “He’s cool in his own way. When he’s not bitching me out for talking to his momma too much or freaking out about my messes.”
Freaking out about my messes.Joshua remembered Neil’s fastidious apartment, how diligent he’d been at cleaning up Magic’s fur, and the way he’d stare skeptically at Paul’s piles of dishes.
“Oh?” Joshua asked, thinking that he must not appear as weird as he felt, or else the kid would have kicked him out by now. “So, you like him, then?”
“Yeah, well…yeah,” the kid said, his face turning slightly red as he looked away.
Joshua’s eyebrows went up, and he had to close his mouth quickly. He had no idea why the relationship hadn’t already occurred to him, but it hadn’t. He’d thought Dr. Green was probably gay, but Joshua had admitted to himself that it might just be part of his delusion that he thought so. Now, though, he had a bit of proof—Dr. Greenwasgay. And living with this guy. Another student, someone his age. The same kid as in the video; yes, the one Joshua had written off as just being a friend, but now…now it was clear that there was something more here.
Joshua felt like he might be sick. Disappointment and fear roiled through him. He’d been so close. Could this guy actually be what kept him away from Neil? Or was Joshua just lost in delusion after all?
