He was silent for a few moments and tried to think of what Neil would say to all of that. He smiled softly when he realized that in all likelihood whatever Neil said would’ve pissed him off.
“You’d say, ‘Suck it up, buttercup.’ You’d say, ‘Stop taking Paul’s calls if he annoys you.’ You’d say exactly what I wouldn’t want to hear, and…well, I don’t think I like your advice any more now than I would if you were alive. But I’m glad that I know what you’d say to me. It makes you feel not so—”Dead.“Far away.”
Joshua swallowed a lump in his throat. That was a lie. Knowing what Neil would say made him feel even more gone. He wiped at his eyes.
“I hate you for dying.”
The wind blew again, chill and full of winter. Joshua bowed his head.
“I love you,” he said, his breath lifting around him like smoke.
June 2012—Atlanta, Georgia
Alice watched asthe doctor examined her son. She could see the intelligence snapping behind his eyes, taking in the world around him in a wordless assessment, and it vaguely distressed her that he seemed to find it lacking.
“He’s still nursing?” the doctor asked, wrapping a measuring tape around Neil’s head and then making some notes.
Alice nodded. Nursing was finally going well. It had taken a while to get into the groove, but eventually Neil started eating like a champ. When he was wrapped up in her arms, gulping greedily, she felt truly connected to him in a way that she imagined other mothers felt toward their children all the time.
“He’s showing excellent advances in motor coordination, and he’s meeting and surpassing physical milestones,” the doctor intoned, as though he was bored.
“So, he’s healthy?” she asked, a little doubt in her voice. He was, after all, soskinnyandmoody, and somehow she felt like he was different from other babies.
“Well, he’s of lower weight than average for his age, but he’s not anywhere near the danger zone on the chart. Given what you’ve told me in the past about his eating habits, he likely has a fast metabolism. Be prepared for some marathon nursing sessions when he hits his growth spurts.”
Alice picked Neil up from the table. His bobble-head jiggled on his skinny neck, and she kissed his cheek. He didn’t really relax into her arms, but he didn’t fight her either, and she got the sense that he enjoyed being held by her. That meant something, at least.
“Why?” the doctor asked, seeming to suddenly tune into her hesitations. “Is there something in particular that you’re worried about?”
Alice let out a guilty sigh. “I just feel…I don’t know, like something’s missing? My friends…well, their babies are more…” She winced. “They seem happier?”
A smirk crossed the doctor’s face. “Well, Mrs., uh—” He consulted the chart.
“Quinley,” Alice offered, still unaccustomed to Jim’s name and wishing she’d kept Marshall’s. But Jim would have lost it if she’d ever suggested that. His loyalty to his dead friend didn’t go so far as to allow his wife to still ‘moon’ over him, as he put it.
“Mrs. Quinley, your son may have a taciturn nature, true. Every child is different. But is it possible you might be suffering from postpartum depression? Are you having trouble bonding with him? Do you have an unhealthy burden of guilt, or fear that you might harm your son?”
Alice blinked at him. Guilt? A little. Bonding? She wasn’t sure. She loved Neil and had since she first moment she saw his screaming little face. But he certainly wasn’t what she’d been expecting. Harm him? Absolutely not. She just wanted to know that he was okay. That he would grow up to be a normal man with a normal life. She guessed the doctor probably couldn’t guarantee her that.
“I don’t think so,” she said softly.
The doctor nodded, made a mark in Neil’s chart, and said, “Okay. Well, just let me know if anything changes on that front. I know a very good doctor who specializes in postpartum emotional issues.”
Alice gave him a tight-lipped smile and nodded. She cuddled Neil close. He tensed before relaxing in her arms, and then he put his small head on her shoulder, gazing up at her with blue, trusting eyes that pulled at her heart.
The doctor left the room, and Alice got Neil’s little clothes back on him. She could feel him studying her, so she whispered, “I’ll always take care of you.”
He waved a fist in her direction, and he almost looked like he might smile.
But then he cried instead.
PART ONE
Chapter One
May 2018—Scottsville, Kentucky
Joshua sat ata tiny table in a quiet corner of Earl G. Dumplin’s diner. It was a slow day, and not many other tables were occupied. His coffee was verging on being too cold, and he considered getting up to find the waitress to ask her for a refill, but then he’d have to shift the piles of papers that he’d spread out over his lap, each precariously balanced.
