“If I could make that promise, I would.”
Joshua would let Lee hold him then, resting his cheek against Lee’s now scar-free shoulder. They had faded away two years ago when Lee had signed up for a trial of one of the highly experimental cellular-nanite treatments that Neil had been working toward before his death.
Joshua was glad for Lee’s sake that the scars had gone, but, strangely, he missed them, personally. They were part of the man he’d fallen for, the man who’d made him laugh, and love, and be happy again after he’d lost Neil. And even if they were considered by most to be unfortunate and unsightly, Joshua had loved every inch of every scar with all of his heart.
Joshua often wondered what Neil would have thought of how far nanites had come. How excited he would have been to see the outcome of their use to repair cellular damage. Joshua could only imagine the look of excitement and power that would have come over Neil’s face when he realized what his work had accomplished.
Neil never got that chance. Instead, Neil had ended on a hospital bed with his hand in Joshua’s. And when Joshua had nightmares of that day, the pain was still intense and vital. It swelled viciously inside of him.
But that wasn’t the dream he’d woken up from all sick and sweaty. This time it was the dream Lee didn’t know about. The one Joshua dreaded the most. In it, Joshua sat at Earl G. Dumplin’s diner, sipping at his coffee and messing with the new tablet he’d just picked up, trying to program it to alert him to issues with his lumber trucks via satellite tracking, when Neil sat down across from him.
Joshua cried, “Oh my God! It’s you!”
The amount of joy that filled him was immeasurable. It was relief, happiness, and utter bliss all at once. Tears came to his eyes, and he took Neil’s hand, and he didn’t even ask; he didn’t even need to know. Where Neil had been? Why he was back? None of that was important. The only thing that mattered was he was there now. And he was perfect, and handsome, and looking at Joshua with all of the love in the world.
“I’ve missed you so much,” Joshua would always say, and he grabbed Neil close. Neil smelled the same—like soap and shampoo and his skin. “I’m so glad you’re here. We can do everything we were meant to do. We can be together.”
Neil looked happy in that way that only Joshua understood, his eyes warm and narrowed, and Joshua felt as though he was going to burst into a million joyful pieces, because he was with Neil, and he wouldn’t have to miss out on any of it now.
Then, every time, Neil would open his mouth and say, “And how will Lee feel about that?”
All of the joy, all of the bliss, would crumble into a pile of sick dread around his feet. He’d take Neil’s hand and stare at him, devastated as he tried to process the joy, the hope for what he wanted with Neil, and line it up against what he had with Lee: the peace and happiness they had together, the love they shared, thelifethey’d built. He’d feel a cold, sweaty panic well inside of him because he couldn’t give it up. He couldn’t give either of them up.
And then Neil would put his hand on Joshua’s cheek and say very seriously, “It’s just a dream, Joshua. Wake up.”
Wake up.
Joshua hated those dreams. He’d spend the next day feeling grief-stricken like he’d lost Neil all over again, and feeling guilty, too, like he’d betrayed Lee’s trust. He’d been unable to choose. He’d wanted it all. And he’d betrayed Neil for wanting Lee, and he’d betrayed Lee for wanting Neil, and most of all, he was angry that his subconscious would do that to him. Torturing himself was something he didn’t do anymore. It was a bad habit that he’d made himself outgrow. Because it hadn’t made him not gay. Because Neil wouldn’t have wanted it. Because Lee was a good man, and they had a happy life together. The list could go on.
It was morning, though, and the dream had come and gone.
Joshua took deep breaths, trying to cast aside the feelings left behind like debris in its wake. The sun streamed through their bedroom window, and it was a beautiful fall morning. The wind chime on the front porch rang like aural glitter, and he swallowed hard, determined to focus on all that was beautiful and alive.
He listened to Lee’s gentle breathing beside him, and when he turned onto his side, he found his younger brother Sam asleep on a bed they’d thrown together on the floor for him. Sam had wanted to spend the night in order to get away from their parents’ fighting, so Joshua and Lee had let him.
Thinking of his parents, Joshua groaned and rolled onto his back, throwing his arm over his eyes like he could block it out of his mind. But he found the drama rolling there like a movie. His dad had slept with another woman, a new teacher in town named Marissa Laurie. Joshua had only met her once at the restaurant at Barren River Lake resort when he’d been having dinner there with his attorney discussing some Stouder Lumber issues. Ms. Laurie was there having an after-school-hours drink with his dad, and Joshua had known, immediately known, what was really going on.
He’d pulled his father aside and said, “Listen, Dad, if you don’t care what this would do to Mom, at least think of Sam.”
His dad had denied that anything inappropriate was happening, and Joshua had gone home with his stomach in knots, helpless and afraid. Because, really, what was he going to do? Demand that his father own up to something that might not have happened?
But it had happened, of course. And now his mom and little brother were hurting.
Joshua sat up, and Lee shifted. His arm flopped over to Joshua’s pillow, the scars almost entirely erased now; just a slight discoloration remained. Joshua put his feet on the floor and carefully stepped over Sam. He smiled down at his brother’s sprawled form—fifteen years old and gangly.
Joshua headed to the bathroom to take a piss. He could still feel the heat of Neil’s hand on his cheek from the dream, and he fought the urge to bring his own hand up to wipe the sensation away. As much as he always hated the dream and the loss he felt every time, he longed for it, too. To feel that touch again, to see Neil’s face. It was worth the pain.
Lee was still asleep when Joshua was ready to leave for work, but Joshua returned to the bedroom to kiss his temple and push his wavy dark hair away from his forehead. He stood by the bed and watched him sleep for a long moment. Joshua smiled and whispered, “I love you.”
Then he stepped over his younger brother again and got on with his day.
Joshua had anearly meeting with another member of the Neil Russell Foundation board to review some standouts in a recent spate of nanite-technology-related grant requests from some rather young scientists. Each of them would need in-depth investigation to prove that they had something to offer the world at large and weren’t just another group of college kids with big egos.
Morning had never been Joshua’s time, and he stopped off by Earl G. Dumplin’s to pick up coffee. There was quite a breakfast rush, so while Joshua waited, he let himself remember the dream. He took a deep breath and let the rush of joy when he saw Neil sweep over him again, and he tried not to feel guilty about it.
Eventually, though, the guilt crept in and ruined it again. So, he turned his attention to the ways Earl G. Dumplin’s had changed in recent years. They now took touch-free payments direct from phones, and servers could take a payment at the table with just a tap of an app. It was silly to resent change, but he missed the oldka-chingregister and the feel of dollar bills in his fingers. Just like everywhere, as time marched on, the place just didn’t feel the same.
Joshua remembered when the local hospital had approved refitting their entire system a few years back. He’d always hated the hospital bracelet that had marked Lee as a patient when he’d been checked in for various nanite skin treatments over the years. Now bedside fingerprints and retinal scans had taken their place.
