Back in his room, I sat on the bed and let my body sink into the mattress. My chest still felt heavy, but at least my legs weren’t shaking anymore. Pressure came back in a minute later, set the pregnancy box on the dresser, and then sat beside me. He didn’t grab his phone or do anything to try to distract himself. He just sat there like he had all night.
Later, when we finally laid down, I stared at the ceiling and told myself I would take the second test in the morning, just to be sure. I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep even though my thoughts kept running. Every little detail replayed in my mind—the knock at the door, the sound of the water bottle cracking in my grip and the second Pressure’s arms went around me.
And in the morning, when the sunlight broke through the curtains, I kept my promise. I went into the bathroom,unwrapped the second test, and waited all over again. I had the same nerves, and same weight pressing on me. And the result came just as clear as the first.
It was negative…
Trill-Land, Jungle Estate
When Kashmere came back into the room, I could already tell by her face what the test said. She ain’t even have to speak on it. It was negative…Again.
She dropped the box on my nightstand and slid under the covers, watchin’ me close, waitin’ for some type of reaction. But I just laid there starin’ at the ceilin’, lettin’ my thoughts run circles.
The truth was, I was convinced she might be pregnant when she told me she missed her period. I knew I had nutted in her without a second thought. I knew the shit I whispered to her when I was deep inside that pussy, askin’ her if she wanted a boy, a girl, or both at once. Part of me had already started picturing it, lettin’ my mind flirt with the idea of another shot at somethin’I had been denied before. So when the test said no, it didn’t just feel like relief. It felt like somethin’ had been taken away before it even existed. Like I had lost again. I knew this wasn’t the time to have a baby, while my mind was all fucked up, but it didn’t stop the trauma from creepin’ in.
And that’s the part nobody knows. They see me as the nigga who got everything, but they don’t know what I buried. They didn’t know what it was like to watch Ka’mari’s belly swell up until she was seven months then watch her deliver a dead baby that looked just like me. They didn’t know what it felt like to stand over an empty crib. They didn’t know what it was like to hear silence where a cry should’ve been. That pain don’t leave. It just sit in you, like a knot you can’t untangle, and for some reason, this test comin’ back negative struck a nerve.
Kash was right here beside me, her eyes burnin’ holes through the side of my face. “What you thinkin’? Do you even care?”
I turned and looked at her, slow. “What I’m supposed to care about? You mad ’cause you ain’t pregnant? You think I’m supposed to be crushed?”
Her eyebrows shot up, her lips pressed tight. “Nigga, you was the one askin’ me if I wanted a boy, a girl, or twins. Don’t act brand new.”
That stung more than I let her see. I let a little smirk curve my mouth, but my voice stayed low. “Yeah, I said that. And I meant it. I want kids. I want a baby. That ain’t no game to me. Clearly, legacy is important to me. If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t be here right now. But it’s not somethin’ I wanna talk about at this exact moment. It just… ain’t the time I guess.”
She tilted her head, searchin’ my face. “Why not? If you want it, you want it. What’s the part you not sayin’?”
I stared at her, my jaw tight, fightin’ the urge to tell her everything and not tell her shit at the same time. She ain’t knowshe was pokin’ at scars I kept stitched shut. That was my loss. And no matter what I built, no matter how much weed I smoked, liquor I drank, how many millions I made, or how many women lined up to wear my crown, that pain didn’t let me breathe easy. So I shook my head.
“It just ain’t somethin’ I speak on. You not pregnant and it is what it is.”
Her mouth opened like she had a comeback, but she shut it quick. For some reason, what I said landed with her. She leaned back against the pillows, breathin’ deep.
I sat up halfway and rubbed my chest. “I still wanna meet ya folks, though. You need to get your mama and daddy on the phone later so we can book they flights. I need to see who raised you.”
Kashmere sucked her teeth but kept her tone low. “I don’t even know if my mama gon’ come, Pressure. And my daddy stay busy. He probably won’t show.”
“Still try,” I told her, starin’ dead at her. “I gotta know where that crazy shit come from.”
That got a smile out of her. She rolled her eyes but she couldn’t hide the laugh that slipped. She reached up, her palm sliding across my cheek, her nails scratchin’ through my beard just right. I let my eyes close for a second ‘cause it felt too damn good, but I ain’t wanna give her the green light for what she really wanted.
Sure enough, her hand trailed down my chest, then to my waist, then she started rubbin’ my dick through my briefs. She was ready to fuck, but I caught her wrist.
“Chill,” I said, firm.
She pulled back a little, confused. “Why? That’s all we do anyway. You’ve never told me no.”
“And that’s the problem.” I looked her in the eye. “That’s all we been on. Fuckin’. You just proved my point. I ain’t tryna keep thinkin’ with my dick. I gotta see if this shit deeper than that.”
I meant what I said but the other part of me–the reckless part–knew I needed to chill on goin’ in Kashmere raw.
She frowned, her lips poked out, and attitude right there on the tip of her tongue. But instead of snappin’, she let out this long sigh and just stared at me.
“Look,” I continued. “Imagine we get married and the only time we even vibin’ is when we in the bed. That’s weak as hell. I need more. I need to know we solid when the music off, when the weed gone, when it ain’t other people in the house, no nothin’. That’s the only way this shit make sense at this point.”
She sat there quiet for a second, then lifted my hand and kissed the back of it. It was slow and real soft. Somethin’ about that move hit me in a place I ain’t even know I could feel.
“If that’s what you want,” she whispered, “then I’mma ride with you. I wanna grow with you, Pressure. I wanna learn new things with you. I wanna build for real.”
