When we finally pulled up to the hospital, I parked and sat back in my seat. I looked over at her and saw her whole face wetwith tears, her eyes swollen, her lips trembling. She was hurtin’, and I was too. The pain was heavy, and some shit I couldn’t even describe, like I was losin’ somethin’ I never even knew I could have.
I wanted to reach for her, kiss her, hold her, beg her to stay, but my pride froze me in place. I couldn’t bring myself to say what was screamin’ in my chest—that I loved her enough to want her home with me, that I
would let every other woman go just for her, that she was the one I needed. Instead, I sat there like stone, silent, smokin’ the last of my blunt.
She opened the door, grabbed her luggage from the back, and stood there for a second, lookin’ at me with eyes that begged me to say somethin’. I didn’t. She bit her lip, nodded like she was tellin’ herself to move, and walked inside.
I sat there, watchin’ her back disappear through those slidin’ doors, and the burn hit the back of my eyes. I blinked hard, gripped the wheel, and forced myself to pull off. I refused to let the tears fall, but inside, I was drownin’, and I couldn’t help myself.
I told myself I wasn’t gon’ feel this way for no woman again. But it was too late. Pluto had me, and lettin’ her go was killin’ me slow.
Trill-Land, Jungle Estate
Iwas sitting in the living room talking to my mama on the phone and I just couldn’t stop my tears. It was crazy how she could hear me crying and still not soften her voice or give me the comfort I was looking for. I thought maybe if I told her everything that was going on inside this house, maybe she would finally be the one person on my side, but that wasn’t how the conversation was going.
“I told you not to go out there in the first place,” she said, her voice sharp and heavy with judgment. “I told you that man wasn’t gon’ choose you. What did you think was gon’ happen, Kashmere? You thought you was special?”
Her words cut straight down the middle of my heart. “Mama, why you always gotta do me like this? I’m sittin’ here trynaopen up to you, and instead of hearing me out, you just tear me down.”
“You tore yourself down, baby girl. Don’t no man respect a woman that easy. You gave it up too fast and now look where you at. Don’t no real man want a loose woman.”
I pressed the phone tighter to my ear, almost like I needed to hear it again to make sure I wasn’t tripping. My chest burned because I couldn’t believe this was really the advice my own mama had for me. “So that’s all you see me as? Some loose woman? I’m your daughter, and that’s all you got to say to me?”
“Kashmere, don’t start with me. I raised you, good and spoiled that hell out of you. I gave you everything I had. You always been hardheaded, always thought you knew better than me. Now you sitting there crying, and for what? I told you how this would play out.”
I wiped my face with the back of my hand, even though the tears kept sliding down anyway. “You ain’t never supported me, Mama. Every time I tell you something about my life, you always got something negative to say. I came to you ‘cause I thought maybe this time you would fuckin’ surprise me, but no. It’s the same shit it’s always been. You don’t even try to understand me.”
“I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings,” she said flatly. She dragged the word “sorry” out like it didn’t even belong in her mouth. “But I’m just telling you the truth. Ain’t no sense in lying to you just to make you feel better. You not built for that man, Kashmere. You shoulda known that.”
The way she said it broke something inside me. She wasn’t apologizing. She was just excusing herself. I could hear it. I could feel it. And I hated that I even expected more. My throat ached, and I could barely keep my voice from shaking when I said, “You always find a way to remind me that I ain’t enough for nobody. Not even you.”
“Kashmere—”
I didn’t give her the chance to finish. I hung up, slamming the damn phone down. My hands were trembling as I pressed them to my face. Everything she said kept replaying in my head.Loose woman. Not enough. Should’ve known better.It was like she wanted to see me crumble, and I was giving her exactly what she wanted.
I leaned back against the cushion and let it all out. The sobs came from a place so deep I didn’t even know I was holding that much pain inside. I cried for how much I wanted to be chosen, how much I wanted to be loved, how much I wanted just one person to say they saw me and I was worth it. I cried because Pluto wasn’t even here, and still I felt like I had lost her, like our friendship was never gon’ be the same. And as much as I wanted to be mad at her for taking all the attention, all I could do was miss what we used to have.
The more I cried, the more the reality hit me that Pressure probably wasn’t thinking about me at all. He was most likely with Pluto, holding her, listening to her, loving her in the ways I dreamed of. That thought tore me apart until I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I buried my face in my hands, rocking myself because nobody else was here to do it.
Minutes passed, maybe longer. My head was pounding from the tears, and I felt drained, like my body was giving up on me. But something inside told me I couldn’t stay here on the couch all day. I had to pull myself together, at least enough to face whatever was coming. So I pushed myself up, wiped my swollen eyes, and walked toward the hallway.
My bare feet padded across the floor, and I was halfway down the hall when I heard the front door creak open. My heart jumped, and I turned my head slowly, almost afraid of what I might see.
Pressure stood there in the doorway. His presence filled the whole space without him even saying a word. His eyeslooked heavy, and for the first time, I realized he was carrying something just as heavy as me. He looked at me, and I looked back at him, and in that silence, we both said more than words could. We were both broken in our own ways, both trying to figure out how to keep moving without falling apart.
I wanted to run to him. I wanted to curse him out, to demand answers, and I wanted to disappear all at once. But my body chose something different. I turned away, quick and sharp, before my tears could start again. My feet carried me down the hall, and I didn’t dare look back. I couldn’t.
When I finally reached my room, I shut the door behind me and leaned against it, breathing hard. My hands were still shaking, but this time it wasn’t just from weakness. It was everything from anger, hurt and confusion swirling inside me with no way out. I slid down to the floor and let my head fall back against the wood.
I whispered to myself, “Something gotta give.”
I didn’t know what, and I didn’t know how, but I knew I couldn’t keep feeling like this. Not about Pressure, about Pluto, and not about myself. The weight of it all was pressing down so heavy I felt like I was disappearing piece by piece.
So, I just sat there in the quiet, tears still wet on my face, knowing deep down that whatever happened next, it couldn’t keep going like this. Something had to change, even if I didn’t have the strength to figure it out right now.
Later that night…
After wiping my tears and managing to pull myself together, I decided to put Pressure’s chef to use. I had cried so much that my head hurt and my eyes felt sore, but I told myself Iwasn’t about to keep wasting the night like that. I walked into the kitchen and told them exactly what I wanted—a thick steak cooked medium, buttery potatoes on the side, and a pan of cabbage just the way I liked it. They didn’t ask questions, just nodded and went to work. The smell that started filling the room reminded me I hadn’t eaten all day.
