Of course, that led me to Sam and our conversation. Thoughts I wasn’t ready for. Thoughts that threatened to dampen my newfound joy in my work. I rose and took the path to the park, letting the sun lead me away from the sounds of the city below. I glimpsed the ocean through gaps in the trees as the streets and houses faded into grass fields, birds, and a winding river. The air hummed with power as I brushed my fingers over the bushes, accepting the gift of their energy. Calm settled over me as I followed the sound of babbling water guiding the meandering path to a bend where a lonely bench sat hugging an ancient tree. While I preferred to sit in the sun, I retreated into its shade and smiled at the birds chirping on a branch above. I grabbed my tablet and was soon lost in drawing them. Despite the shade, being in nature enhanced my joy.
The birds flew off as laughter rang out across the water, and boats appeared beyond the bend. I sat straighter to take a better look at the humans chatting and splashing and… I froze.
Sam occupied one boat, and Quinn sat in another—headphones over their ears—behind an almost identical copy. Two more boats followed, and I counted five children and four adults. Sam’s family—loud, boisterous, and… happy.
I dialed up my noise filter, so I couldn't hear what they were saying, but Sam seemed calm—vibrant, alive, free—but calm amidst his loud family.
Sinking back against the tree, I felt like an intruder, witnessing a private party. But if I left now, they’d surely notice me, and that would only make me feel worse. What if Sam thought I was spying on him?
The younger children splashed each other, shrieking andshouting, while Quinn and their sibling—twins, they had to be twins—had identical expressions of concentration on their faces as they overtook Sam’s boat. They shared Sam’s build, his hair, but they had their other father’s facial features. As did the younger ones, though they clearly shared their mother’s brown skin tone—who leaned against the Latinx human in front of him, fast asleep. No. Her. Mothers were her. Right? And the Latinx human had to be the Tammy Sam had mentioned.
They were all beautiful. But so very loud.
How did Sam cope? It was the same question I’d asked myself at the café. No matter how hectic or noisy, he always seemed so tranquil, so welcoming, as if none of it bothered him, as if it energized him.
The sun hit Sam’s face just right as he slowed his boat to let the others catch up. He was gorgeous with his beaming smile and a twinkle in his eyes. I had to draw him before they passed. I’d never sketched a human—or Niren—before, but I had to capture the happiness he exuded.
Nervous energy bounced through my system as I drew him. I wanted a smile aimed at me, but why would he want my company when he had this brilliant, vibrant family?
Long after they’d glided out of sight, I still sat there sketching his face, perfecting what I’d seen in that peaceful, vibrant smile of his. When I studied it, I could still hear the children’s laughter, could feel the joyous energy surrounding them all, with Sam as their soothing, grounding center.
So unlike me. My family was as spirited and full of life, but instead of thriving… I’d run away when it had become too much to bear. How could I ever think to be a part of Sam’s life when I couldn’t even cope with my own?
As I made my way back to the hotel, I tried to regain the joy Riley’s chandeliers had evoked. But all I could think was that espresso would never taste the same again.
Chapter Fourteen
SAM
looking for him
Adri was still on my mind by the time the four of us unloaded gear and tired kids from the van. I’d wanted to wave at him, but the way he held himself made him seem smaller—quite a feat for a tall person—had stopped me. Would he tell me he’d seen me, seen our family? I hoped he would. I’d love to know what he thought now he’d seen us all.
The radio was still playing Tammy’s favorites as I joined her to grab the last of the bags and crates.
“So… that was him, right? At the river?”
Damn. “I didn’t realize anyone else saw him.”
“That’s a yes, then.” She smirked. “Don’t worry. Evan had his hands full with the kids, Bethany was napping against my back, and the twins were too busy beating you to notice you were no longer in the game.”
“You know Julian only ‘raced’ me to get Quinn to the lake for some quiet, right?”
“Same difference. Julian’s grown into a wonderful brother. Now stop changing the subject. Your guy’s gorgeous.”
“No comment about his age? I’m disappointed. And he’s not my guy.” No matter how good that sounded.
Tammy narrowed her eyes. “Ah. Hmm. Age. Is that what’s keeping you back?”
How did I land myself in these traps over and over? I sighed. “No. At least, I don’t think so. He doesn’t come across as young. Shy, maybe. Sensitive to noise. And smart.”
“You’ve said that. The smart part.” Tammy sat on the van’s floor and patted the space to her left. “I didn’t expect you to be so… let’s go with open.”
We were having this conversation after all, then? I dropped next to her. “Let’s see. I glided down the river in a solo kayak, alone with my thoughts, thanks to all of you. And then the object of those thoughts happened to sit on a bench along said river.”
In the shade. Looking gorgeous. I couldn’t believe it at first. But the clothes, his tied-back hair, his face scrunched in concentration. It had to be him. It was a miracle I hadn’t crashed the kayak into the riverbank.
“Fair enough. Doesn’t answer my question, though. What is stopping you?”
