He tucks his face into my neck and takes a couple steady breaths before pulling back. He looks at the bed where Evie is out cold. Winnie is laying on the end of the bed, but he’s alert and watching us. The dog's head tilts to the side as he assesses us. “Well, we might as well let him out for a pee.” I say lightly, as I signal for him to come. Winnie immediately jumps off the bed and trots off to the door. I go to follow him, but grab Xavier’s hand, dragging him with me. He follows with no arguments. We put on our coats and head downstairs to get our boots.
Winnie takes off down the deck to go find his perfect spot. Big white snowflakes are falling from the sky, coating everything we see with white fluff. The air is crisp and chilled, clouds puffing from our lips with each exhale. We stand there on the deck in silence, and watch. I’m anxious as I stand there. Should I start a conversation? Or should I keep it silent and let him open up to me. What if he doesn’t open up at all though.
“Her name was Shelby. She was my girlfriend in high school.”
My breath hitches as I look at him. He’s looking down at his feet, one foot kicking at the loose snow that has accumulated on the deck from the sky. I don’t say anything as I wait for him to continue.
“We had been dating for about a year, and it was the first time I was bringing her out here to celebrate Christmas with my family. Chloe was seven at the time, and she loved Shelby. Chloe was still spoiled, but she didn’t act like the way she does now. Anyways, Shelby was a skier, andthat’s actually how we met—on the ski hill.” A soft smile forms on his lips, and I know he’s reliving a happy memory.
“We decided to go skiing one day. We had gone down the hill a couple times at this point, and were heading up to go one more time before we left back to the lodge. While we were going down the hill, her ski hit a hidden rock in the trail, and it sent her flying—similar to you, but she caught a bit more air. When she fell, she hit her head on hard snow. She wasn’t wearing a helmet and had a cut at the back of her head, so we took her to the hospital for stitches.” He pauses as he takes in a shaky breath. My heart is breaking as I think of everything that could go wrong in this story.
“She got stitched up and seemed fine otherwise. We got the okay to go home, and the doctor told us that she just had a mild concussion. We were instructed to look for any worsening conditions.” He brings the heel of his hand to his eyes, rubbing at them. The silence is deafening as he tries to collect himself. I walk toward him and take one of his hands. He startles at the close contact, but he lets me continue. I lace our fingers together and place his hand over my heart. He looks at the connection, and then looks at me. There is a glassy look to his eyes, the unshed tears threatening to fall over.
“I got you.” It’s a gentle reminder to him that I’m not going anywhere. He gives me a curt nod, before exhaling a deep breath.
“So, we went home under strict instructions to rest. We were heading to her room and – sh-she started to slur her words for a moment.” Xavier’s breathes come sharper now. “I asked her if we needed to go back to the hospital. She told me no.” His body is rigid as he tries to regain some semblance of control. His jaw is tight, and his breathing comes out in short bursts.
“She told me she was fine.”
The suffocating silence makes it hard for me to breathe. The heaviness weighs down on the moment. I already know that the end of this story is tragic. Xavier shivers, and I’m positive it’s not just from the cold.
“Come on, let’s go inside and warm up.” I use the leverage of our laced fingers to bring him back into the house. I call for Winnie, who races to the door and waits for us.
Making a path through the kitchen, I decide to lead him to the living room since Evie’s still in our room. I know she’ll be out cold, but I don’t want to risk her waking up with him being so vulnerable. I feel the weight of him slowly follow behind me as we make our way through the halls. The house is quiet as we enter the room, and I bring him to the couch.
He plops down and rests his head on the back of the couch. His hands rub down his face before slumping onto his lap in defeat. I sit down next to him, and he immediately reaches over to grasps my hand.
“She was laughing.” His red rimmed eyes meet mine for a brief moment. Sniffing he runs the back of his free hand under his nose. “Then she started complaining that her head hurts. She assured me it was just a headache.”
I squeeze our joined hands, reassuring him that I’m listening. There isn’t anything that I can say at this moment that will help make this story easier to tell.
“We were about to head upstairs, because she said that she was tired and…” His face is turned down in anguish. “She collapsed. I was right there to catch her. I-I thought she fainted.” His words are barely a whisper. He releases his hand from mine as he leans forward, his elbows on his knees, hands woven through his hair.
“When I got her to the ground, I tried to wake her. I shook her. Called her name, but she wasn’t responding.” His head whips up, and he stares straight forward. “Then, I noticed her breathing wasn’t normal.”
His knee begins to bounce at a rapid pace, and his stare is far off into the distance. I watch as his eyes glaze over, like he’s replaying the memories over in his head. “I called 911, and it was then that I realized her breathing had stopped completely.”
I’m ringing my hands together as I watch a man I’ve grown to care about so deeply about fall apart while remembering something so heartbreaking. I wish I could take the pain away. I wish I could–
“The operator told me to start CPR on her while we waited for the ambulance. I don’t remember what happened during that time– my brain shut off. I just wanted her to be okay. Sheneededto be okay.”
What Xavier shares next is so soft, I don’t think I would have heard it if I wasn’t paying so close attention. “She was gone before the paramedics arrived.”
A gasp left my lips. “Oh, Xavier.” I reach out to place my hand on his shoulder, but before I can make contact, he shoots up out of his seat and begins pacing.
“I should have known better!” He says loudly, the anger taking over his grief. “I should have brought her back the minute she slurred her words. I believed her when she said she was fine.I believed her.” He collapses on the ground. A gut-wrenching sob leaves him as he finally lets everything go.
I don’t think, I just move. In the blink of an eye, I’m by his side, rubbing a hand up and down his back as raw pain moves through him, and I wish I knew how to make it easier. Grief is never easy, and it doesn’t go away.
“I’m so sorry, Xavier.” My voice is tight with emotion as I try to soothe him. He looks up at me, tears flowing freely down his cheeks. I see the sad teenage boy who just lost his first love shining in his eyes, and I wish I could go back in time and change things.
“I wish the pain would stop.” His voice is so quiet and vulnerable.
My eyes well with tears, and I pull him up toward me, wrapping him in a hug. I lower myself into a seating position, and his body slowly follows me as he gets comfortable in my embrace. His face burrows into the crook of my neck.
There isn’t anything I can do to take his pain away, so I do the only thing I can do. I hold him.
“I’ve got you.”
