When she doesn’t continue her sentence, I reach forward and shake her slightly on her shoulder. “Hmm?”
The tightness in my chest went away momentarily when she woke up. The moment she didn’t remember that we were skiing, it was like my lungs were in a tight grasp again. Just as I’m about to shake her again and get her to keep talking, the ski patrol arrives.
“Hey everyone, my name is Pete. I heard someone took a tumble, yeah? How’s everyone else doing? Is anyone else hurt?”
I shake my head quickly, clearing my throat before answering. “No, I’m fine. I was behind her when it happened. A rabbit came running as we were going down. She attempted to avoid hitting it, but when she did that, she lost control and tumbled. She landed right on this rock and lost consciousness. She just came to, but appeared confused when we were talking.”
Pete looks over me quickly, before moving to Harper. I sit there and watch as he spends the next half an hour assessing Harper's injuries. He lays her on a backboard and puts her in a cervical collar, just to be on the safe side. When he’s established her injuries, he checks on her pain. She complained that her head, back, and ribs hurt. That makes sense to me as those were probably the biggest impact. After he’s checked her vitals and deems that she isn’t in need of any additional oxygen, they load her up on the sled they arrived in.
They took her skis with her, and I was offered a ride or to meet them down at the bottom of the hill. I chose to ride on the sled with them so that they don’t have to wait for me before the ambulance takes her away.
The ambulance wouldn’t take me with her to the hospital, despite my fight around it. In the end, I lose and my panic begins to rise again. I abandon my skis and pull out my phone, calling the only person I can think of to help me at this moment.
The phone rings a few times before the call connects.
“Hey, big guy! How was skiing?” Josie’s soft voice comes through the line.
“It’s happening again.” My voice cracking at the end before it turns into a sob.
I hear shuffling in the background from Josie’s end of the phone. I hear her mumble something before she comes back. “Where are you? Are you still at the hill? I’m coming to get you.”
Ten minutes later, I’m sitting in the car with Josie as she makes her way to the hospital. The paramedics only told me where they were taking her. I sit there, leaning forwards with my head in my hands, replaying her fall, over and over again. My mind fixates on all the ways I could have saved her. Out of every scenario that I run through my head, there are two facts that remain the same.
I couldn’t save her, and it’s all my fault.
I shouldn’t have agreed for her to go down the hill. I should have told her another day. I should of–
I jump as a hand grasps my shoulder. Josie is looking at me with concern on her face. She opens her mouth to say something, but closes it again. Her grip on my shoulder tightens, before she pulls me and wraps her arms around me. My body slumps as it recognizes the safety of my best friend. I hear the door open behind me, and a hand grasps my neck. I don’t even need to turn my head to know that it’s Monty. At the realization that my best friends have dropped everything to be here for me, I let go. The burning that has been constant at the back of my eyes finally releases, and tears begin to fall down my face. A strangled noise leaves my throat.
I let all my fear, and self-loathing consume me. I allow myself to feel every heavy ounce of grief, the weight of it constricting the air in mylungs. Every inhale feels like a knife slicing against my chest. We sit there together for a couple minutes. When I have collected myself enough, the three of us make our way into the hospital.
We walk into the emergency department, and the waiting area is quiet. The plastic rows of waiting chairs are empty, minus a couple of chairs. I pay them no mind as I walk toward the reception desk. The receptionist is a middle aged woman, with her dirty blonde hair braided back. Her neutral colored scrubs look ruffled, showing signs that she’s been here for awhile, but she greets me with a smile.
“Hi there. My girlfriend was brought in by ambulance – Harper Beckett.”
“Let me just look her up for you.” She quickly types on her computer as she looks up Harper in their system. After a couple more clicks of mouse on the screen, she returns her gaze to me. “It looks like she got here about fifteen minutes ago, but that’s all I really have up here. Let me go talk to the doctor and see what I can find out for you. Go have a seat, and I’ll come find you once I know a bit more.”
I swiftly nod my head, but I remain where I’m standing. I track the nurse as she disappears into the back rooms where the patients are brought through. Josie comes to my side, grabbing my elbow. “Come on big guy, we aren’t going to get answers any faster standing here like a big grizzly bear.”
She directs me to the closest seat and tells me to sit down. When I do, I bend forward, resting my forearms on my knees as I keep my focus on the door the nurse went through.
The time seems to tick by slowly, and I feel like we’ve been here for longer than we have been. At some point, Josie stepped away to call Evie and let her know that Harper is in the hospital. Monty took her place beside me. He’s tried a couple times to start a conversation, but I wasn’t responding.
Finally, I watch as the doors open, and the nurse that left comes through with a doctor following behind her. The nurse spots me right away. I’m up and out of my seat in the next second. Anxiety claws undermy skin as I prepare myself for every possible negative scenario to become my reality.
“You’re here for Ms. Beckett?” The doctor asks, kindly.
“Yes, we are. I’m Xavier Hawthorne. I’m her boyfriend.”
The doctor looks through his clipboard for a moment. Flipping through the papers, he returns his gaze to me. “Ah yes, I have you right here. I’m Dr. Porter. I have been the doctor that has been overlooking Ms. Beckett since she was brought in. She's been asking for you. If you follow me, I can show you where she’s resting.”
The air rushes out of my lungs. “She’s awake?”
“Yes, she’s awake! A little drowsy, but that’s to be expected with her mild concussion. Please follow me, I’ll bring you to her and explain more.”
I turn around to look at Monty. He’s running his hand through his hair, and I see the relief on his face. “Go,” he says, “I’ll wait with Josie for Evie to get here.” I nod quickly, before turning back around and motioning for the doctor to lead the way.
The doctor leads me through the doors that lead back to the patient's rooms. The fluorescent lights flickered overhead as we walked down the aisle. The halls buzz as nurses and doctors go about their shifts attending to all the patients that have been admitted. When we reach halfway down the hall, the doctor pauses in front of one of the rooms and turns to me.
