‘You will,’ Nia said, reaching out and touching Anna’s arm. ‘You just need more time, that’s all.’
Anna put her plate down on the floor, the sandwich untouched. She saw the way Nia looked at her, the worry there. She knew she had lost weight, that she was drinking too much, that she wasn’t dealing with things. But how did people do it? How could they stand to be in their own skin, all day, every day?
‘Do you ever think about what Magda said?’ Anna asked.
Nia raised her eyebrows. ‘Of course. Do you?’
‘I always thought the tragedy she mentioned was my marriage breakdown, but that wasn’t tragic. Not really. I should have known there would be something else. She meant this.’
Nia looked at Anna for a long time. ‘I thought you didn’t even believe any of it.’
‘I thought I didn’t. But look how many years it’s been, and it’s still hanging over me.’ She paused. ‘I might just go to bed.’
‘Please don’t,’ Nia said. ‘I’m here, I have the whole afternoon. We could watch an old film or talk or just sit here in silence but please let me be here with you.’
Anna was moved by Nia’s gesture. She’d known, hadn’t she, that Nia was the best friend she could wish for? Somehow, Nia was going to pull her out of this hole, or do her very best to. Sarah had offered to come over too, and though Anna had said no, she thought often of the offer, of what it meant to her to have people who loved her, despite not having the one she wanted the most.
‘Sex and the City,’ Anna said.
‘What?’
‘Let’s watchSex and the City. I have them all on DVD. I haven’t seen them for years.’
Years ago, before their lives had got serious, Anna and Nia had often spent Sundays together watching TV and eating junk food. They would wear their comfiest clothes and drag the duvet from the bed of whoever’s flat they were at, and settle down for the day. Anna wanted to regress, to revert, to forget everything that had happened between those easy days and these hard ones. But no, that wasn’t quite true. Because she didn’t want to forget Ben altogether. She just wanted to forget that she had loved him, and he had died.
Nia dug out the DVDs and put one on, and almost immediately Anna felt like a different version of herself. A version who had believed that things were simpler, that she would marry Edward and stay with him forever. That life would work out. For a couple of hours, she sat there, her best friend at her side, and allowed herself to pretend that she was still that person. And then the DVD ended, and when Nia turned to her and asked if she wanted to watch the next one, she shook her head.
‘You know that thing I always used to talk about, that happiness I was looking for and didn’t know what shape it might take or whatever?’
Nia nodded.
‘I didn’t have that with Edward. And once I realised I didn’t, I knew I had to end it. And then I was stupid enough to think I might have it with David, even though anyone with half a brain could see he was a player and he was never going to be faithful to anyone. I was so naïve. But with Ben, I really think I had it. I really think that was it. It wasn’t perfect, obviously, but it was pretty damn close.’
‘It was,’ Nia agreed. ‘It shone out of you.’
‘So why did I only get to have it for a few years? It’s not fair.’
Anna knew she sounded like a child who hadn’t got her way, but that was how she felt.
‘It isn’t fair,’ Nia said. ‘But I’m starting to think that you don’t only get one chance, one soulmate, one shot. I mean, look at you. You could have had a future with that guy James you went on one date with, or you could have stayed with Edward, or you could have met Ben much earlier, and had a life with him. Or you could have it again, in the future, with someone you haven’t even met yet. I know you don’t want to hear that, because you’re not ready to move on, and that’s fine. But one day you will be,and you might just meet someone completely different from Ben, who isn’t better than him but who shows you a different way to be happy. And then there’s me. I mean, if I wasn’t with Jamie, I might have ended up with that hot friend of Ben’s.’
‘Aidan?’
‘Ah, yes. Dreamy Aidan. I wonder what he’s doing right now.’
Anna smiled despite herself, and then she took a deep breath. She hoped Nia wouldn’t hate her for what she was about to say. Hoped Jamie wouldn’t, either. Telling Nia this had seemed unimaginable a few years ago, and now it seemed like nothing.
‘That guy, James…’
‘Yes?’ Nia asked. ‘Oh my god, you’ve seen him again, haven’t you? Do you know where he is?’
‘I do,’ Anna said.
Nia’s eyes widened and Anna suddenly felt very sober, and wasn’t sure she was doing the right thing.
‘Please don’t be angry with me,’ she said. ‘It’s Jamie. James is Jamie. The first time I met him, when I was back from New York to see you and meet Cara for the first time, it just didn’t seem right to tell you.’
Nia’s mouth was hanging open. ‘What the fuck?’
