‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Do you think we knew what we were signing up for?’
Edward looked at her, his face serious. ‘I don’t think we had any idea. But I wouldn’t change it.’
Anna wasn’t sure she would, either. She knew in her bones that their marriage was over, was just waiting to feel strong enough to talk to him about it, to start making those decisions about who would live in the house and who would move out and how they would divide up their time with the boys. But despite knowing all that was to come, she didn’t feel regret about the years they’d spent together. She had loved Edward. In a way, she still did. It just wasn’t enough any more. But they’d had a good life, a happy one, and she didn’t know what she would have had otherwise. Couldn’t know.
Without expecting it, Anna felt close to tears. She saw Edward notice.
‘What is it?’ he asked, leaning forward and brushing the first tear from her cheek.
Did he know? It belonged to both of them, this marriage, and she found it hard to see how it could still be alive and well for him, when it was all but dead for her. But perhaps that was part of the reason why it needed to end; they simply saw things too differently.
‘I’m not sure,’ Anna said. ‘I just feel overwhelmed, somehow.’
Edward nodded. He stood up, put his glass of wine down on the coffee table, took hers, too. And then he sat again, closer to her, his arms around her. Anna remembered when they had just seemed to fit, but now it felt a bit awkward, a bit uncomfortable. She lifted her head, and Edward kissed her, and for a moment, it all melted away. All the doubt and uncertainty. She pretended that they were different people, that they had a different life ahead than the one she knew was right.
When Edward pulled away, they looked at each other without accusation. Anna felt like Edward was trying to see inside her, trying and failing to determine what she was thinking. It wasn’t so long ago that he would have been able to tell.
‘Remember that Christmas Eve when we were wrapping presents until almost midnight and Sam came downstairs, half asleep, and you threw a blanket over everything and managed to get him back upstairs without him suspecting a thing?’
Anna smiled. ‘Yes.’
‘That’s the kind of mum you are. Calm under pressure, always thinking of what they need, what will make them happy. I admire it so much.’
Anna was taken aback. It wasn’t that he’d never complimented her mothering, but he’d never said this. She didn’t know that he thought about this kind of thing, that it took up space in his mind.
‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘I don’t know why I always worry that I’m not doing well enough.’
‘You shouldn’t. You are.’
She wanted to say something back, about how he was a good father, because he was, but she didn’t want it to seem like she was saying it because he had. She would save it for another time,when he wasn’t expecting it, and she would surprise him the way he’d surprised her.
‘I’m going to go to bed,’ she said. ‘I’m tired.’
‘I’m going tooooooooooooooooo bed,’ Edward sang.
Anna laughed. It was something he’d done so much in the early years, singing her words back to her as if they were power ballads. She couldn’t remember the last time he had done it.
Edward reached for the remote control. ‘I’m going to stay up a bit, I think.’
Anna went upstairs and stood outside her boys’ bedroom doors. She could hear them in there. Sam was playing a game, she thought, and Thomas was talking to someone, probably about the party. She’d forgotten to mention it to Edward. She got ready for bed and lay there in the dark, her eyes wide open. She had been tired when she’d said it, but like so often happened, the act of going upstairs and undressing and brushing her teeth had woken her. She went back over the evening, over the things Edward had said. And she resolved to talk to him, soon, about splitting up, about going their separate ways after all these years of walking side by side.
33
NO
Sunday 5 June 2016
Anna gestured to the barman for another and grimaced at him as she raised the shot glass and knocked it back. She felt hands on her shoulders and jumped, but when she turned, it was just Nia.
‘I’ve been looking for you,’ Nia said, her face full of concern.
‘Where?’
‘Well, I called your mobile, and then I went to your flat, and then I thought I’d try some of the local eating and drinking establishments. And here you are.’
‘Here I am.’
‘Do you know what time it is, Anna?’
