‘Who knew I was such a mess, underneath it all?’
Anna smiled. ‘Now, this one I know. We’re all just as messy as each other. Some of us hide it well, but you don’t get to our age without having been fucked up by something or other.’
‘Oh yes, and what’s your thing?’
Anna shrugged. ‘Distant mother, no dad, couldn’t commit to having children, fell in love with a man who wasn’t available.’
‘I wondered whether we’d talk about David.’
‘How is he?’ Anna asked.
She found that, now she was happy with Ben, it was really okay to ask. She didn’t really care what the answer was.
‘David’s David,’ Sarah said. ‘He’s married now, and his wife’s about twenty years younger than him.’
It had taken Anna a long time to get over David, but she had. She didn’t feel jealous of this young wife, didn’t think for a second about going over there, on the pretence of visiting Sarah, to try to see him. Sometimes, she thought that if she hadn’t spent those years in New York, she would have been a lot happier. And it was probably true, but she wouldn’t have Sarah in her life either, and she might have been ready to settle down years before meeting Ben, so she probably wouldn’t have him. Everything was connected to everything else. You couldn’t just pull one strand out without the whole thing coming unravelled.
There was the sound of a key in the door, and Ben came into the room and smiled at them both.
‘You must be Sarah,’ he said, going over to hug her.
Afterwards, he came to Anna and she stood up and he kissed her. ‘Anyone ready for a glass of wine?’
He went to the kitchen to open a bottle and Sarah did that thing that female friends do, where she quietly communicated her approval of a friend’s partner.
‘You seem settled,’ Sarah said. ‘No, not settled, more… I don’t know, peaceful, I guess. Like you’ve found it.’
‘Found what?’
‘You know, “it”. The secret. The answer. That feeling you talked about. So much for Nia’s psychic.’
Despite her better judgement, Anna had thought a lot about Magda since meeting Ben. She’d got it right for Nia, after all. One big love and one child. So why not Anna? There had beenthe tragedy, which could have been her marriage falling apart or could have been falling in love with David. But now she had Ben, and he didn’t fit the profile, didn’t work in food or have a name beginning with J, but she was certain about him. She shook her head. She couldn’t tell Sarah what she was thinking.
And then she laughed, because if she pushed aside those ridiculous worries, Sarah was right. There were problems, like what Tess’s mood swings would be like when she next came to visit, or how she was going to get any publicity for some awful book she’d been landed with, or the weight that seemed to be steadily creeping on as she neared fifty, but none of them were big enough to really worry about. She was happy.
32
YES
Sunday 5 June 2016
The boys had been shut up in their bedrooms all day and Edward was watching news coverage about the upcoming referendum on TV. They hadn’t discussed it, the referendum, and Anna was almost certain that Edward was going to vote Remain like her, but there was a part of her that didn’t dare to ask, in case she was wrong. In case she discovered that she’d built a life with someone who held such opposing views to her. How was it possible, she wondered, to not truly know who someone was after so many years? In the beginning, there were lots of long talks about politics and big ideas, and then you got older and got so caught up in work and family and home life that there was no longer space for any of that. People changed, didn’t they? People grew inward, became more conservative, more concerned with their own family unit and less about the wider world. Who was Edward, now? Who would he be, when she cut him loose and he was out in the world on his own again?
Anna felt restless. Had felt that way all day. She’d done somecleaning and been for a walk, and it hadn’t helped. She picked up her phone and called Nia.
‘How’s the birthday boy?’
‘Loving life. Currently trying to eat something he found in his shoe. Happy anniversary, by the way.’
‘Thanks.’
‘Any plans?’
‘Family dinner. I feel like this is going to be our last one.’
‘Fuck. Call later if you need me.’
‘Looks like you were right all along, about us not fitting.’
